This is a song title by AJR and it’s pretty neat with a good rhythm and catchy tune about it. Anxiety is a feeling I’ve been having a lot lately, perhaps in large part due to my age. There are many things my peers have accomplished and already experienced at 31 so I’m feeling out of sorts as I’m not fitting the same footprints in the mud.
While expectations have to do with this consequential feeling, I’d also say that most of it is within my own head. For example, I’m the type of person who gets anxious when my phone battery is below 70%, I’m not even exaggerating. The reason why I feel this way is probably because my mind is overactive and I think about the thousands of things that could go wrong if I run out of battery. The weirdest thing is that it doesn’t matter what country I’m in. For example, I’m in Singapore now and the MRTs as well as the buses have charging ports so I could very well use them if I need to. There is no logical reason to feel anxious until perhaps I go below 10%; I think I’d be hyperventilating at that point. I think I’m just wired like this.
I’ve long realised that I think deeply about things. For instance, the longer I date my boyfriend, the more anxious I seem to get about our next phase together. Plus me being wired the way I am, I just want to get to the next phase asap without really enjoying the process of dating and relationship-ing. My mom keeps telling me to enjoy this part because marriage is tiring and much less freedom. I guess my CPU might just finally take her advice lol.
Currently, I feel somewhat sorry for my 20 something self for not coming out of Malaysia to work sooner. Singapore has been very wonderful yet difficult however I realise I do like the challenge of being on my own so I’m well-suited to keep making mistakes and learning. While being regretful, I’d also not change any of my 20 something memories and experiences, though I admit life could have been fuller. For example, I could have started my internship sooner or I could have gone on multiple internships; what my mom suggested I do but I was afraid of being laughed at because who does multiple internships? Smart people do I believe. It’s not easy to settle into one singular type of job for the rest of your life you know? The generations ahead of us had to stay in one industry possibly due to lack of resources and freedom otherwise. With the freedom our generation until generation alpha has, I do kind of pity my juniors as they venture out to work. They will work in a world filled with fresh opportunities and new job industries, one example being a tech promoter in relation to AI apps.
Before I go further, I would like to say that I’m thankful for my past 10 years at the same time I know that I could have done more so I’m becoming greedy to keep accumulating knowledge and experience. I’m still enrolled in University now, engaged in a Masters of Education program after I completed my Grad Cert in Education Studies with Distinction. It took me a decade to realise what I wanted to do with my life and it’s kind of funny to think that I might toss it aside for something more important now. I.e. a permanent residence status in Singapore so that my boyfriend and I can BTO 🎉. When I say ‘might’ I actually mean quite probably with a 70% chance of me doing so. So why still get the MEd? Yeah that’s me still greedy for knowledge and it’s something I can possibly fall back on while it’s burning a giant hole in my pocket 😂 As for new experiences, I do want to be a mom and I know that I’ll lose out on that if I get married too late.
The reconciliation of putting the PR first in order to get a HDB is kinda WOW-crazy to me. I never thought I’d be in this predicament having to choose between passion of teaching and a finance job since I thought being in finance was all behind me; well, it’s not all wasted I suppose. It’s sucks to have to leave teaching though 😦 My mind is going into overdrive thinking about the “what if I can’t get pregnant leh and this was the reason why you go back to stress-crazy finance then howwwwwwww” I also don’t know. Hah. I do know I’ll enjoy the company of being around other adults more compared to the kids I’m currently teaching though, my primary school kids while cute can be very very childish. Sometimes, in a weird way, they are quite adult-like too. See my conflict? Haih.
I wish someone could just decide for me, yet I don’t.
Who I am. 