I’d like to be the scenery.. everyone sees it, but doesn’t talk to it, loves it and there is nothing in the world which could make it be less beautiful than what it is, nothing to make it seem smaller or not as important as other natural elements. It is what it is.
I’d like to be acknowledged for my achievements, for who I am, for what I am capable of; not who my parents are, not who I am supposed to be because of who they are.
Is society so judgemental to judge a children based on who their parents are? The reality is, “Yes, society does.” If you are the daughter from a good family background, people assume you are good to; because they do not understand how people with good upbringing will ever be anything less than what their caste is. But people are wrong, we can be brought up in a good or great family background yet still Choose to be evil or bad. Because yes, sometimes I Do choose to be bad, to push my boundaries, to do things and learn from my experience because I cannot accepted beliefs from other people.
I revel in finding out if it really is the way they say it is; I revel in the, “why not?”
I have made mistakes because of this questioning attitude; and I am not ashamed to admit my faults. I am also unashamed for wanting to “try it out” myself. Because how would I know, if I do not try? Likewise, how do You know if you do not try, do not keep trying, do not give up?
I am trying to live, live free, that is.
Free from preconceived ideas from people who make me out to be someone they want me to be. And as I stumble from ideals to realism; I hope I do not wander too far out and be cynical, and do to my daughter (in the future) what adults do..Restrain me: because they fear what they refuse to learn about. Or be too carefree and be totally uninvolved in her life.
This is me, currently.
On Jalan Raja Laut, Kuala Lumpur, MYS.
This is my thousand words today. Its somewhere I love to look at at dusk, i.e. around 7.15pm. I love how the sky is streaked with golden, violet, mauve and blue. I come to this traffic lights every Monday night and my heart just simply falls in love with this sight every time I see it; over and over again.
This week, I’ve been crying way too much. From just friendships gone bad to emotional roller coasters, family expectations, exams are around the corner too, etc. I will write it out, but not today, not tonight.
Till we meet again.
THOUGHTS OF MINE FLOATING AROUND MY HEAD, BEFORE I DOZE OFF
Sometimes i wonder..what would i be like today if my father had not touched me: Maybe I would be normal now (but what is normal anyway??) Maybe I would not shy away from adult men so much (I especially detest those who flick their tongue about while they’re speaking, it makes them seem so creepy; to me anyway) Maybe I would not be so insecure walking near men in a skirt (I do like to wear skirts so though, sigh) Maybe I would not be so negative towards the male species (okay, wait, this one is a definite…right?) Maybe I would not feel like a do not deserve a relationship (because I have been touched before, I feel like I am a secondhand girl) Maybe I would not feel so dirty (I don’t quite know why but I always feel dirty when I see my father’s hand on my mom) Maybe I would actually trust people (And I’m not just saying men here. It sucks not being able to trust those around me) ETC. There are so many more IF’s and MAYBE’s…
..Life taught me a cruel lesson
and I’ll be dmned if I don’t learn it.
A cancelled page, some cancelled words does not mean it did not happen, does not mean I have forgotten; but I want to move on now..or at least, Try.