An open letter to fear

Dear Fear, I have been on this journey with T; for two months now and eventhough you’re on this journey with us – you cannot take the front seat. Not this time.

T brought Cheesiness along with him and so our 🚗 is rather squashed.. Cheesiness is quite big, as you might have noticed 😛. On your other side would be the Cheesiness’ best friend: Laughter.

Fear, I know, you’re not used to sharing space – but this time, I say to you, you’re going to have to deal with it; because you will find that there will be more friends joining us soon. Confidence is going to get her own seat because she’s confident!

I’m excited to be on this journey with T, and as you have warned me about men, I can tell you aren’t too excited. I know, you are not bad in essence but, when I find myself in the backseat and you in the front with whoever it was in the past – Work, Interests, Love, and even God; our journey almost always ended up in Nowhere. Yup, that place filled with people who have addictions and have lost their way. I don’t want to keep going back there, and neither do I want to book myself into the hotel there again. Service sucks there and nothing ever gets done!

I want, nay, I WILL go places with T – like Making New Friends, Foodtrip, climbing Fear Mountain (your birthplace), Lovers Lane etc. I’ve only ever passed by these places or gone and gave up seeing it through.

So, fear, yes, you are on this journey with us but you are not going to take the front seat again, not once or even a test drive. Just, No.

Note to self : do not let emotions rule the day.

Thanks for reading guys! x

Advertisements

Relax, let go and work hard

Listening to Water Ripples by Enno Aare | Calm

I worked only a day this week; Monday. I took leave for Tuesday and election day was on Wednesday. The two subsequent days of the week were declared a Public holiday by our new Prime Minister, Tun M.

I wanted to go in to work on those two days, but, after talking to my colleague M about it, I decided to let go and relax for these two days. Wheeee!

It was, difficult, and I still thought about work throughout the weekend to be honest.

I’ve been working here for 6 months now and it’s been great. But a finance job is still a finance job and the work is endless. But I do think that God is preparing me bit by bit to learn how to let go of work. And to relax during the weekend.

I say again, it is difficult. I’ve been working overtime a TON, sometimes until 9pm. 😲

It’s difficult to also trust my boss to do a part of my work. She currently helps with the accounts as my workload is heavyyyy without her help. It’s great, but it wasn’t always great.

I remember redoing the whole accounts part that she did because I didn’t trust her, but I ended up doing the same thing, with minor inconsequential changes. It was a waste of time! So I had to learn to trust her, a lesson which took about a month.

Someone once said, the only way to trust is to trust. So that’s what I did.

And with this week, i’m learning to trust myself too. And I’ll have to keep learning it, I do think.

We will be preparing for the AGM at work soon, sigh. I feel the stress already. And the more immediate thing is having a 15th May deadline for the bank reconciliations. 😮 It’s 14th May today!! But I somehow do not feel overly stressed about and panic as how I used to be.

I just know and believe that I AM capable. And every 10am-6pm, I will have to be efficient and effective, so that I decrease my overtime too. 🙂 I’ll pray about the things I’m stressed about too:

– Deadlines

– F3 Class

– Walk with God

Ahhh, it has been a wonderful restful and productive week of relaxing. Now, for an even better week! 💪

Hope you all take time to reflect on your week too! It really helps to clear your thoughts 🙂 x

 

6 months thankful

Tomorrow, May 2nd would mark my 6th month anniversary in this NGO.

I’m thankful for

God. My refuge and strength. I have to admit that I haven’t not been spending enough time with God and I put YouTube above him. As Jamie Taylor said, “He is Lord or not at all.” And that is so true.

Also thankful for this job availability, my bosses, the scope of work (learning a lot), and my aliveness.

To think that I had decided on suicide last August in 2017, makes my contentment now seem surreal; not the other way around. I can never forget the vividness of my near accident and everything that led up to it. Sometimes when I am reflecting on it, I still get a bit sad and disappointed with myself. Sometimes I think about the work. I do miss it, the process flow, the meeting of people, my colleagues. I sure don’t miss the workload though! HAHAA #malaysianauditors #nolife

My bosses. They are a couple who are reasonable but firm. I really need discipline and guidance since it’s only my second job and I appreciate everything they are teaching me. The work is shaping me to be more inquisitive, and firm. But I’m still learning about the firm part, sometimes I’m not sure how to say no to my colleague who puts her work on me. WIP.

The work hasn’t been easy, it was tough taking over from someone who worked there for 10 years+ and did not handover to me. But I had help and tons of understanding from my bosses.

Anyway, it’s labour day today, so HAPPY LABOUR DAY EVERYONE! Gonna cut my post short cause I’m sleepy.

Thanks for reading:)

Mistakes we make [edits made in green]

So, I’m facing this in my relationship now:

Why does your SO treat you less than your worth? Because you let them.

In my case, it is, “why did I let my SO treat me as though I was worth less than his ex?” Because I let him; I justified (understood) it the first time, and so, he pushed the boundary and repeated it a second time 4 days later.

When we justify allowing someone to treat us less than our worth; our value – it’s called cognitive dissonance. 

This means: the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change. 

Some of the reasons people try to justify being treated this way is: because you like your SO, because you love your SO, because you’re understanding, kind, etc.

You keep justifying it, he keeps pushing it, until it goes higher onto a pain threshold. Until you snap.

Thankfully, that’s not how it is with me. I love him but I also know my worth, and to ensure that I am not justifying it away – I ask myself:

If my friend was the one in my position, would I advise her to stay or leave? Would I allow her to be treated this way? Hell no.

I know my self worth. I believe I deserve to be treated like how a normal GF is to be treated. To please, accept my gift when I give it to you.

Sooooooo, the story goes thay I sent food (like Uber eats) to his workplace and his response was to change the address because his ex will be there. 

As any normal gf would do, I flipped. I apologised to him for flipping because I couldn’t control my reaction. But I decided to respond instead, after thinking it over. During my brain juice sessh..I realised: 

ONE. His apology 4 days earlier we’re just words. NATO. Because apologies mean repentance of not doing the same shit again. But to have it repeated so close to one another, got me. 😐 [edit, 14/4/18: okay, this is not fair, sorry. Making mistakes is part of sin, and I will be more understanding of it from now on. And to take an idealistic view of repentance from sin was something i should know better than to do. I was just emo because it was a few days apart from the first time..I guess I put you on a pedestal, but you’re only human, I’m sorry.]

TWO. He may say he doesn’t care about his ex, but he does. He prolly does not realise it, but his actions are pretty clear. And to my gut instinct, he is still not over taking care of how she feels. He’s been the one catering to her needs of getting closure, so it might have been an unconscious thing, and it spilled over..IDK. I mean, look, it’s not a bad thing to be a nice guy, but a nice guy to your ex when you hassssss a new GF? Uhmmm so which one is your girlfriend again? [edit, 14/4/18: he said he doesn’t care about her la, he did say. And that his reactions are based them having mutual friends and so it would affect their view of him. Sigh, I think it’s a tricky balancing act also, but discussing it would have helped.]

THREE. I don’t deserve this. 

My response:

As hard as it was for me to ask him to think about this relationship – that’s what I did.

Sigh, someone once said that it takes courage, to do the right thing because it can be scary as fuck. Your emotions and time is so invested in the person and also because it’s terrifying to start over. I was scared at first that I’d lose him.. but treating me this way, is not worth having and I’d rather not waste my time. But I’m okay, this was the right thing for me.

I’m all about being direct and being honest and don’t get me wrong with the rant above, I’d loveeeee for my guy to see where I’m coming from and talk about it and meet each other halfway; instead of a,”because xx can’t handle it, so you shouldn’t do anything right now.”

That kinda really threw me off because it was as though he was shutting down the conversation because he didn’t trust me. It was HIS decisions, bam bam bam. And also, it’s stupid, but idk why after he said that (because xx…right now), it made me feel like I DID SMTH WRONG. But all I did was show him my heart. 😦 He did clarify later about how I should not do anything like that right now; but it was only because I asked what can I do/not do in light of this situation.

Bottomline, his first response hurt me. 

What I’m trying to achieve when I asked for time off was not primarily because I was angry. I know, emotions are part of it.. but, he kept apologising to me in that situation above. And I don’t want that for him. It must’ve not been a nice feeling to know that he was hurting me. I want him to be happy. To be 100% okay with every decision he makes. And seeing as he was apologetic, made me realise he was not 100% okay with it. And so, I’m giving him the time off he needs to think about it. I got into a relationship with a man, and I am 100% for this relationship to work. But, we’ll see..


Could I have asked for wisdom from God before I messaged him? (Yes)
Could I have treated him with more love? (I think I’ve loved him a lot already though 🤔, but since love is neverending, yes)
After all, on the flip side… Idk what the hell he’s facing. Cause I’m not him. And I’ll never be him.
I want to understand him more, sure, but if he wants to decide for himself, I’m not going to push him to let me be included. 
If you are facing this with your SO – you have got to take that leap and ask them straight up about it, no half truths, no lying to yourself.

On a bright note, I bought some things online and they’re arriving next week!! 😀

I’ve been praying for:

his ex: for healing in her mind, emotions & complete let go.

him: that God will help him work thru his thoughts and feelings, for clarity & a complete break and for boldness to draw a line in the sand & whole-hearted love & commitment to the Lord and towards me.

self: For patience & love, healing for my heart, forgiveness to flow, wisdom throughout the rest of our week long cool off.

God has been helping me to understand and have patience & love (I’d already forgiven him earlier), by this:

I was driving home last night from work and there was this car on the left lane who slowed down and anticipated a car who was turning into his lane from the junction. In that moment, God spoke and said, that’s like Tim..he was just anticipating the car coming out into his lane. What you’re asking him to do is not care about her(the car coming out) and keep going on the lane. But if he does = collision. Either he gives way or she does. But she’s not going to, so he is. Can you see it from that way? I was subdued for awhile but then I responded with a, I’m in a relationship with him, not a passenger, more like.. he’s not the only one driving that car. He’s the right hand of the wheel and I’m the left or, he’s the brake and i’m the gas pedal. He needs to discuss before deciding merhhhh, how can he decide on his own. The gas pedal thought he will go straight, but he decided on his own to press the brake.. So, the car itself has a problem then if both are doing different things without discussing. Then God was like, yeah not the best way to do it, but you get where he was coming from? And I did. Only last night, but BEFORE last night, I reallyyyyyyy could not reconcile it. Thank you God. Your grace is my sufficiency always.

There is something I rather regret in asking for this cooling off period and that is that I promised to be by his side throughout this time. Sorry I broke my promise. 

991

Yesterday I called an emergency number for the first time in my life. (991 is equivalent to 911)

I witnessed an accident as I was driving yesterday, 10.2.18.

It was – bad. Very bad.

I started hyperventilating as I kept driving.

I didn’t stop, I couldn’t. I was driving on one of the middle lanes of a four lane main road.

I think I’m still traumatised after seeing a guy fly off his motorbike and land across the road. His head hitting the tar and his body rolling over. The way his limbs – just – rolled – over was terrifying. Like a doll, like a poor helpless lifeless doll.

I watched it in my rearview and panicked as I talked to the person on the phone. First the operator, then the hospital. I couldn’t stop babbling about the way the guy flew.

I think I’m still in denial. Or just traumatised. IDK.

And it happened due to a stupid car parked right in the middle of the illegal-no-park-zone with it’s emergency lights turned on, and it’s boot open; a white toyota. And of course the motobike cut into the no-park zone as a shortcut to get instead of waiting behind the vehicles. His mistake was driving too fast and being stuck behind the typically bulky and big Serena and cutting out at a fast speed to that zone and obviously not expecting a car to be stationary there.

So the motorbike slammed into the Toyota, and flew. And me being only two cars ahead heard the SUPER loud bang – like a gunshot – and saw him fly.

I was thinking of not teaching sunday class due to this traumatic witnessing. But then I thought about it from a theological POV and I knew that if I did not teach, I was being selfish rather than really needing to.

So, thank you L for encouraging me to see things with clarity and not be so emotional. Thank you for giving me context instead of berating me for being the way I am.💕

Reflection – whispers of yesteryear • three สาม

the saga continues.


After my who and why was broken, the whispers started to tear down my existence.

”why are you even alive, why are you even here, you are a disgrace, you don’t deserve to live, just kill yourself, just end your life, its better for your parents anyway”

Some days i believed it, some days I told myself to not buy into it. I had bought into everything else and I began to be afraid that I would buy into this too. My thoughts had taken a sinister turn. A direction, I never knew would come.

Life was not supposed to be this way..when did it all go wrong. I began to despair.

Just a matter of time – the lies almost seemed to sneer at me – before you believe in them AND act on them.

I feared this each day; i wanted to shut those thoughts up, but every time i made a mistake at work; it was a see? i told you so, you are a disgrace. Just kill yourself. You can end it easily, just walk in front of the cars, just go to the roof and jump, just drive into another car, just do it; it’ll be over before you know it.

I had these thoughts everywhere. At work. At home. While my mom was laughing, they would occupy me and things like, you don’t deserve to be happy would pop into my head. In Church, I was alone a lot and I had so many opportunities. I once went out during worship to cry because the thoughts were too loud. I wanted to go to the roof of the big building to kill myself then and there and it took all of me to restrain myself.

FEAR BECAME
DESPERATION, AND IT BECAME
PANIC, AND IT BECAME
MADNESS, AND FINALLY
SILENCE.

I was at the edge of madness. I was living and yet, I was dead. Meaninglessness entered my thoughts and I began to wonder what the point of living was. I had bought into the final lies.

I did things for the sake of doing them. A ticking box exercise. I laughed because it was required, I talked because being silent was weird, I ate because it was there, I’d go out with my friends because it was an escape. Life was bleak.

It was August 2017 and my life was not mine anymore. I was all made up lies and acting. I didn’t even tell my then boyfriend. Well, I didn’t really trust him anymore anyway. (It was back when the girl confessed and he didn’t turn her down) And that added to everything, ”you can’t even have a relationship/ you’re a failure/ see, he wants to be with someone else”. He later on explained why etc (it’s in another post i think).

The silence came swiftly, even more swiftly than I had expected. It was a heavy silence, a resignation. I had accepted that I was going to commit suicide, and I experienced calmness with my decision. A fake yet serene calmness that; yes, this was what I was going to do. All the thoughts would finally end, all the guilt, the blame, the disappointment in myself. Everything would end. 

I would say that back then, I wanted to tell someone so badly. People who want to commit suicide need help, not just attention. We don’t do it to get attention, we do it because we are desperate. We’ve tried everything else, or so we think, and nothing was working. And this was the solution. I wanted to tell, but, I didn’t know how to start. It was complicated, i was messed up, and I didn’t see how anyone would want to deal with my shit. I was MY shit. And there was that independent thing.

SIGH.

Well, I obviously didn’t succeed since I’m right here writing this. But I did something one night, which scared me badly. I thought that since I had decided to take my life, I would be the one to decide when too. But, I didn’t take into consideration that I was also very drained mentally, emotionally and physically. And I was also very used to listening to the whispers.

One night, while driving, my body did something that I had not decided to do. As crazy as it sounds, this is true: The whispers had decided to do it and my body obeyed. I was no longer in control, literally and that scared me. I knew that I was a danger to myself and that I wouldn’t even know when I would go. I mean, I wanted to go, but, I wanted to also be the one to decide when.

The lies had told me to do something, and my body obeyed even if I didn’t agree or want to do it.

It scared me so much that when I came home that night, I was shaking and close to tears. I HAD NEVER experienced that before. If someone talked to me about possession, I think I will somewhat understand them now. I think people have a dramatic and skewed view of possession – that you have to sound different or that you have to do crazy unheard-of things.

You don’t have to, I think. I think it’s just that when someone gives up of the truth and gives into the lies, it then makes us susceptible to our minds being overtaken and then our bodies. Just like how i experienced it, it led to my body being taken control of too, in a way.

I wanted to be able to say goodbye to my loved ones and I had also known how I would go. I wrote a suicide letter, I planned it all. But, at the same time, it didn’t seem real to me; that this was the path I decided on, it was like i was in a dream, or a stupor. It was real and yet it wasn’t.

But when that happened that night, it shook me out of my reverie, and I realised it was all real. That my decision was real, and I grieved that I had come to that conclusion. In my post shock, I remembered what it was to have life and my aliveness grieved that I wanted to die.

That night I made a surprising decision because I realised I was scared to die, without knowing when I would. Funnily enough, that is humanity’s existing reality, with or without suicide.

And I decided to.. (to be continued)

Pc: kathomiwenda


I was coming back from V’s farewell get-together as she was leaving for Ireland…driving on a pretty dark road. It was almost midnight and there were other cars on the road, most driving past the speed limit. I too, wanted to get home quickly but the dude in front of me was so slow, so I wanted to cut him.

Some things happened during the party which made me emotional and to be honest I was also thinking of jumping off V’s apartment roof while I was going up the lift, en route to the party. It would have been all too easy.

And yet…there I was on the way home, and hadn’t done that because I had decided, not yet, not now. The car in front of me was so slow but I could not cut out because there were oncoming cars, very fast ones at that. Suddenly, the lies just shouted to me to CUT RIGHT, CUT OUT NOW AND END YOUR LIFE, there was an oncoming truck and my hands gripped my wheel and without signalling, my hands swerved my car right to cut out. Something had not decided to do. But, my body did it! In that split second, I called out in my heart, ”oh someone! Help! I’m gonna die!” And just as suddenly as I swerved out, my body; nay, my hands swerved my car back in. Neither of the actions were my own because I was too frozen to swerve back in when I saw the headlights of the oncoming truck. I can still see the white-ish head lights of that truck shining in the rear view mirror of my mind’s eye right this second. It was so close. As soon as i swerved back in, that car rushed past. If I had been a split second too late, i would probably not be here, because my car is a very old and small Hyundai and that was like a truck with grills on the front of the bumper. Or, at the very least, I would have been hospitalised.

I really thank God for taking my wheel and saving my life, because those actions were not me. The devil was the cause of my body acting in that way and God had intervened. Actually, God was always there while I was facing this, but, I never called out to Him, and the moment I did, He saved me.

I wouldn’t have been able to do anything that day without Him. I wouldn’t be here without Him. And where our strength fails, and sometimes, even before it reaches the point where my strength fails, He is still my strength.

I want to be independent of all other things but God. 

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You