15 years

On 31st December, i will be sharing on my perception of my dad’s love being lust because he was an absent father when i was young..

the only love he showed me was through physical touch of hugging and kissing my forehead, and holding my hand, etc. so i thought he did not love me, or rather i thought love was lust because every time he interacted with me physically he said, “i love you”. 

*he was never inappropriate, no under the sheets thing*

which led to me having sexual lusty thoughts about guys because i thought that was love 

which led to me being sexually aware of the opposite sex at a very young age, like 13

which led to me fantasizing about guys cause i thought that was love

basically. i am girl. who will be sharing on sexual sin. 

i am afraid. i keep thinking, “am i doing the right thing?” i know it is the right thing. But this will really kill my social life at the religious place i think. “How will my friends view me?” will they even be my friends afterward.. SIGH. i know it is the right thing to do by God, but this fear and uneasiness is not diminishing but growing and having sleepless nights is the least of my worries as the day draws nearer. what if i chicken out? What if i can’t finish my testimony? Maybe i should get high or drink some dry hard drink before the testimony. go there drunk. wow. that’s an idea, and this, THIS is obviously a rant.

Despite my rant, i know it will be okay. i got these nerves before.. the other time i shared about my eating disorder. i cried so much then, the bulimia only lasted for about 3 months, but i cried so MUCH. 

This had gone on for years without me seeking help and without me speaking about it because of the shame, guilt and anxiety i felt, at the time. 

It has been 15 years from the age i started to perceive my dad in that way, an abuser.

15 years since I’ve loved and hated him.

15 years i kept silent.

15 years i cried, off and on about this disgust toward myself, toward (Christian) boys and towards this man called my dad.

15 years of fear living in the same house as the man i perceived to have had abused me.

*again, he was never inappropriate, no under the sheets thing*

15 years of not being able to really love my dad as how a natural familial love should be.

15 years.

i feel better blogging. God, this is so hard.