14.02.2020
Today I had lunch at home and dad said something like “What a rare treat to have you at home eating a meal, <name>.”
Then my aunt said, “Ya so rare, hug her.”
Dad said, “She doesn’t like hugs, she prefers handshakes.”
Aunt: “Is that true? You never told me that.” Indignation dripping from her voice.
“Yea I don’t like hugs with men,” I said in a small voice. (I felt so small, here they are, talking about this again although we have gone over this many times over. Why can’t they just accept my choice to not hug father?)
Dad: “Yea, she has this discrimination against men.”
Me: “It’s not discrimination, it’s preference.”
Dad: “Ya, discrimination.”
Me: “Dad I can choose, I have that right. It’s my choice, it’s preference.”
This isn’t the first time my aunt or mom has tested my resilience against hugging or touching my father since late 2019 when I first stood my ground to not hug my father anymore. As an Asian family, they think it abnormal not to hug one’s parents. They probably think it is another influence of my church that they call harsh and disagree with.
If my father’s church where he pastors only knows this about him… sometimes, I do get very angry with him, my mom and my aunt. But, those are times when I forget that we live in a fallen world. I do not expect justice to be executed and fairness in all of this will never come, because they have never accepted what dad did to me. Dad too, has never admitted to it, all he said was that it was a figment of my imagination and IF he did do something, he was sorry. (I remember he said it very begrudgingly and sarcastically as though he believed he could never do that)
At times, because of my mom and aunt’s treatment of the situation, I wonder if it really IS MY FAULT? Am I wrong to not give in to my father? To allow him to touch me? His hand always wanders and I hated it ever since I was a child. Is it wrong to hate it? I feel like those characters you watch on shows where they find the rape victims after living many years with their perpetrators. Due to time, and no correction, the victims normalise the fear and trauma into an acceptable event, to cope. Maybe all I want to do is cope.
The thing is, I’ve coped with it since I was a child, allowing him to touch me again and again, I’ve lost count how many times it has happened. I really have no idea. And I allowed it because of fear, I think. I was afraid of losing my father and my family if I showed my fear, although my fear was right.
How do I think theologically about this?
Is my father being an image bearer of God? No
Is my family being image bearers of God? Hard to say, maybe they just don’t know. (Even as I say this, I know that it is untrue. They know it, but they ignore it. It is easier to believe in a lie than to face the truth that is difficult. Which child keeps talking about an issue unless it were true? The child would at least change the type of issue as years go by or forget certain facts.)
Am I being an image bearer by not wanting to face my family with this issue? No. I know I’m not. I am afraid, rejection is not easy. I’ve already been rejected 3 times every time I told them. It has never stopped. My dad has just relied on my aunt and mother to indirectly aggravate me about this. I cannot believe how complicit they are to this though.
Am I being an image bearer in getting angry? Yes. It is okay to get angry, because I know that people who are created in God’s image should not do such shit. (I do struggle to get angry, I question and question and grieve, and finally the anger comes)
Who I am. 