Have you ever felt so desperate like you’d die if you didn’t do something? I could see no way out of the hell I was living in, and so I left Malaysia, left my friends, my family (my dear grandmother, sisters, aunts, uncles, my friends who were like family). I was watching a documentary of Jin (BTS) yesterday and I resonate with something he said about how he wanted to talk about the depression/ self-disappointment he has experienced but he always imagined how his fans would feel after hearing it, hence he never showed people that side of him.. the Kim Seok Jin side; not the world-wide-handsome-side. Omona. That’s sad and true.
Even now, in a country away from home, I cannot help but think of others (namely, my ex-PBC students) and how they would feel had I told them why I left church and Malaysia. Inasmuch as i was thought a coward and blamed by some for not telling you why I left, telling my blood-related family and close friends was enough. However, I do miss you all so much, but I chose to save myself and I would choose the same if I was given the same choice.
I haven’t been back (to KL, home) this year; it’s been 3 months (and counting) since I decided to stop returning to KL… if I kept returning, what was the point of leaving, right? It seems belated but I realise I need to get used to being without family.
Resentment is an emotion I keep feeling lately.. it seems like I can’t stop. #cantstopwontstop #iykyk I went to church today (2 April) and I felt anger and hatred as soon as I sat down. I know full well I’m condemning myself when I attend church in this way as well as living life in the way that I do, without love and righteousness. Sam and Joni, I’ve failed you guys haven’t I?
Ending this post with a promise that I’m still a coward for not wanting to tell or meet up with my students on why I left but like Jin who found an outlet through writing songs, I have found my outlet too and I’ve an end of the year deadline to fulfil 📖 , until then..I promise to be a coward to the end.
Who I am. 