An open letter to fear

Dear Fear, I have been on this journey with T; for two months now and eventhough you’re on this journey with us – you cannot take the front seat. Not this time.

T brought Cheesiness along with him and so our 🚗 is rather squashed.. Cheesiness is quite big, as you might have noticed 😛. On your other side would be the Cheesiness’ best friend: Laughter.

Fear, I know, you’re not used to sharing space – but this time, I say to you, you’re going to have to deal with it; because you will find that there will be more friends joining us soon. Confidence is going to get her own seat because she’s confident!

I’m excited to be on this journey with T, and as you have warned me about men, I can tell you aren’t too excited. I know, you are not bad in essence but, when I find myself in the backseat and you in the front with whoever it was in the past – Work, Interests, Love, and even God; our journey almost always ended up in Nowhere. Yup, that place filled with people who have addictions and have lost their way. I don’t want to keep going back there, and neither do I want to book myself into the hotel there again. Service sucks there and nothing ever gets done!

I want, nay, I WILL go places with T – like Making New Friends, Foodtrip, climbing Fear Mountain (your birthplace), Lovers Lane etc. I’ve only ever passed by these places or gone and gave up seeing it through.

So, fear, yes, you are on this journey with us but you are not going to take the front seat again, not once or even a test drive. Just, No.

Note to self : do not let emotions rule the day.

Thanks for reading guys! x

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Relax, let go and work hard

Listening to Water Ripples by Enno Aare | Calm

I worked only a day this week; Monday. I took leave for Tuesday and election day was on Wednesday. The two subsequent days of the week were declared a Public holiday by our new Prime Minister, Tun M.

I wanted to go in to work on those two days, but, after talking to my colleague M about it, I decided to let go and relax for these two days. Wheeee!

It was, difficult, and I still thought about work throughout the weekend to be honest.

I’ve been working here for 6 months now and it’s been great. But a finance job is still a finance job and the work is endless. But I do think that God is preparing me bit by bit to learn how to let go of work. And to relax during the weekend.

I say again, it is difficult. I’ve been working overtime a TON, sometimes until 9pm. 😲

It’s difficult to also trust my boss to do a part of my work. She currently helps with the accounts as my workload is heavyyyy without her help. It’s great, but it wasn’t always great.

I remember redoing the whole accounts part that she did because I didn’t trust her, but I ended up doing the same thing, with minor inconsequential changes. It was a waste of time! So I had to learn to trust her, a lesson which took about a month.

Someone once said, the only way to trust is to trust. So that’s what I did.

And with this week, i’m learning to trust myself too. And I’ll have to keep learning it, I do think.

We will be preparing for the AGM at work soon, sigh. I feel the stress already. And the more immediate thing is having a 15th May deadline for the bank reconciliations. 😮 It’s 14th May today!! But I somehow do not feel overly stressed about and panic as how I used to be.

I just know and believe that I AM capable. And every 10am-6pm, I will have to be efficient and effective, so that I decrease my overtime too. 🙂 I’ll pray about the things I’m stressed about too:

– Deadlines

– F3 Class

– Walk with God

Ahhh, it has been a wonderful restful and productive week of relaxing. Now, for an even better week! 💪

Hope you all take time to reflect on your week too! It really helps to clear your thoughts 🙂 x

 

6 months thankful

Tomorrow, May 2nd would mark my 6th month anniversary in this NGO.

I’m thankful for

God. My refuge and strength. I have to admit that I haven’t not been spending enough time with God and I put YouTube above him. As Jamie Taylor said, “He is Lord or not at all.” And that is so true.

Also thankful for this job availability, my bosses, the scope of work (learning a lot), and my aliveness.

To think that I had decided on suicide last August in 2017, makes my contentment now seem surreal; not the other way around. I can never forget the vividness of my near accident and everything that led up to it. Sometimes when I am reflecting on it, I still get a bit sad and disappointed with myself. Sometimes I think about the work. I do miss it, the process flow, the meeting of people, my colleagues. I sure don’t miss the workload though! HAHAA #malaysianauditors #nolife

My bosses. They are a couple who are reasonable but firm. I really need discipline and guidance since it’s only my second job and I appreciate everything they are teaching me. The work is shaping me to be more inquisitive, and firm. But I’m still learning about the firm part, sometimes I’m not sure how to say no to my colleague who puts her work on me. WIP.

The work hasn’t been easy, it was tough taking over from someone who worked there for 10 years+ and did not handover to me. But I had help and tons of understanding from my bosses.

Anyway, it’s labour day today, so HAPPY LABOUR DAY EVERYONE! Gonna cut my post short cause I’m sleepy.

Thanks for reading:)

991

Yesterday I called an emergency number for the first time in my life. (991 is equivalent to 911)

I witnessed an accident as I was driving yesterday, 10.2.18.

It was – bad. Very bad.

I started hyperventilating as I kept driving.

I didn’t stop, I couldn’t. I was driving on one of the middle lanes of a four lane main road.

I think I’m still traumatised after seeing a guy fly off his motorbike and land across the road. His head hitting the tar and his body rolling over. The way his limbs – just – rolled – over was terrifying. Like a doll, like a poor helpless lifeless doll.

I watched it in my rearview and panicked as I talked to the person on the phone. First the operator, then the hospital. I couldn’t stop babbling about the way the guy flew.

I think I’m still in denial. Or just traumatised. IDK.

And it happened due to a stupid car parked right in the middle of the illegal-no-park-zone with it’s emergency lights turned on, and it’s boot open; a white toyota. And of course the motobike cut into the no-park zone as a shortcut to get instead of waiting behind the vehicles. His mistake was driving too fast and being stuck behind the typically bulky and big Serena and cutting out at a fast speed to that zone and obviously not expecting a car to be stationary there.

So the motorbike slammed into the Toyota, and flew. And me being only two cars ahead heard the SUPER loud bang – like a gunshot – and saw him fly.

I was thinking of not teaching sunday class due to this traumatic witnessing. But then I thought about it from a theological POV and I knew that if I did not teach, I was being selfish rather than really needing to.

So, thank you L for encouraging me to see things with clarity and not be so emotional. Thank you for giving me context instead of berating me for being the way I am.💕

In God alone

..is everything.

My future, my present, my very being. Decisions I have made and just, everything.

There are some Christians who split their lives – only certain parts belong to God, and the rest, well, belongs to ‘me’ they say. How can that be – when God is your creator and your saviour. He is the master of your life. You are the submissive.

I went to a missions conference and a married couple there were talking about tentmaking. And the wife, towards the end, talked about her struggle in trusting in God; if her children would be okay to leave their home with them and to move to China where they would start their missions.

And she shared that God called her later than her husband and she was struggling with this very real concern. And she said, “I was washing the dishes one day, (to which most of us who were there,laughed) when God spoke to me.” He said, “I know you have children. [She paused] And they are mine.”

I think what God said to her, what she shared was very powerful and very in-your-face, with the fact that waittaminute.. yes, all our future children’s lives are his and OUR lives now are His. Her husband then asked after her sharing, “so whyyyy, why , why, why are we waiting?” He was talking about doing missions and submitting to God (to go forth and do missions) when he asked us this.

Coming back to this.. I’m here talking about surrending control of your life to God. I think the moment He has control is when we leap off the plane. Ironically true.

Also, I think to Christians whom God has not spoken to before, they may brush it aside and say, “well, that’s you then, I’m different, I know that God knows that I can take charge of certain parts of my life. I do let Him have most of it anyway.” I believe that that statement is a contradiction in itself. We need to go back to the Bible, what does it say about our lives in relation to God? What does it say we need to do in order to obey God? What does it say about our flesh, our human nature. If we do not surrender it all, what does Jesus mean when he says, take up your cross? Is it only part of the cross..like the tail end? Or the whole gigantic cross?

Submission is not a weakness. Submission to God is not you being less decisive or you being less sure about the paths you need to take.
Submission is not you not doing anything.
Submission is not you blindly following.
Submission is knowing full well, understanding and DECIDING, yes submission is active not passive, submission says there are other ways but I choose yours God, submission is love putting Him first and putting yourself second, submission is constantly giving up your right to live the way you want. Again, it is active. (Just felt the need to emphasise the ‘active’)

Anyways, I struggle to submit. On a daily basis. I struggle because I want so much to do things I think is the best way. I, I, I , me, me, me.

Dear Lord, help me to take up my cross and follow you. Your ways and your all. You. I want all of you, I need all of you. Amen.

On a side note, it’s not abnormal to feel afraid if you’re also praying this prayer. Fear of the unknown right? It is just fear though, nothing solid so don’t let it hold you back.

A dark room (Christian content)

Imagine you are in a dark room. You neither know how big or small it is — but you know that along one of the walls there lies a switch. And this switch will lead to a lightbulb, with a brightness bright enough to light up the whole room, every corner, every crack, every part.

But you don’t. Because you’re comfortable in this darkness, doing the things you do, saying the things you say, living life as you please. You KNOW of the existence of the switch – like how you know about God and that He exists – but you don’t want to change the room from dark to bright. Why? Because you’re holding on to it all – YOUR decisions, YOUR pride, YOUR anger, everything that was done without the desire to please Him but please yourself; you’re holding on to these.

You say sure, I know that when I flick the switch, the light will fill the room, but ah, if I could just find out more about where it is first, then only I’ll start searching. This points to the people who think they need to find out more about God in order to know Him. Does the Bible say this?? That we need to know enough about God to know Him? And enough- what is that? Who gets to judge? Your pastor? Your parents? Why do they get to judge? They are human too. The only True reference is the Bible and if it doesn’t say that – then why are you complying to it??

And then there are those who let fear consume them – what if the light bulb bursts when I turn it on? Then won’t I get electrocuted? You’re afraid of the consequences of lighting up the room. And you let this fear get in the way of you turning the light on.

Let me say to you, fear not, from the Bible we know that the consequences of sin is death and death on the cross which has already been done (IT IS FINISHED!) by Christ and His ressurection allows us to have hope over death.

So have hope, not fear, that when you turn on the light, you too, will be of the light and no longer being in darkness, you are no longer partakers of sin but have rejoicing with the angels that Jesus has overcome the power of sin. And while being in the light, you will desire and yearn towards a life which is pleasing to God. He will guide you, He is our Shepherd and we the sheep will know His voice; as said in Psalms.

Do not fear. We have hope, hence have faith my fellow brothers and sisters and turn that switch on today.

Neither jealous or protective! + more..

So, if you don’t already know or didn’t read my posts with the tag ❤ interest, then let me just say again: I suck at understanding guys.
I’m with this guy and he says he’s not the jealous type but that doesn’t mean he has never gotten jealous. He has, but I’ve never seen it. Yea, I kinda wanna see it, because it makes me feel he has something to protect. Right now, I just feel like he doesn’t really care if other guys treat me better or not.
I get that this is a good thing because jealousy is related to insecurity. But then, I have never seen him get protective either. (Or maybe it’s cause idk what it looks like when he is protective) It seems so so obvious to me when I watch Korean drama but I’m hopeless when it comes to myself. Honest.
So this naturally brings my female overactive mind to wonder if he even loves (he says it out loud often) me at all since he isn’t even protective of our relationship. -_- But boy, sometimes he can do some weird uncharacteristic things.
I’m not used to PDA..even hugging in public will prolly make me go red. And I think that hand holding is pretty much enough for PDA. But I noticed some thing he does is he feeds me his food in public. Like, even if it’s just water, he’ll ask me if I want some or sometimes he just gives it to me straightaway. I mean, I’m talking hereeee. I usually act pretty cool and just accept it tho.
The other day we were at a party and he laughed really loud at something which was not even that funny, 😐 i notice guys do this a lot. Whyyyy? He was irritatingly cute tho. 😏🙃
Lately though, when I read the Bible about Biblical love, it makes so much sense but it’s also very unlike kdramas and how they perpetuate love to be like.
I’ll post a separate article on this Biblical love because it’s too long and it’s talking about an entirely different thread of thought. I really need to be more aware and intentional in what I see and interpret as being loving and what love is which will help me so much in seeing properly if he loves me or not, and what the consequences of that are and whether that affects our relationship so far as it might actually be too soon for love. I think the discovery of any or all of the above will be a good thing for us. 
Another thing he does is during Bible meets, he will raise his eyebrows and make 😚 faces and mouth I labb you. It’s so endearing when he does that. I find it so embarrassing though sometimes I ignore it, yes, confession. Sorry to all the guys out there if you’re offended with us girls ignoring you when you do these things in a group.. Sometimes it’s so difficult to reply esp when everyone else is there ._.
And he also just taps me with raised eyebrows and a nod of his head as though asking me, “what’s up?” When I’m deep in conversation with another one of my mates while he’s talking to another mate. But he doesn’t do it when HE’S talking to a girl. He just passes me by. . . You feel that wind?? Pretty chilly ay?
So based on all my observations, I’ve come to the conclusion that he only does things when he himself is bored not because it’s because of me. 😐 His actions towards me is only because of how he feels about himself-if he’s with a guy, and I’m with another guy.. he’ll just tap me on my shoulder. If he’s with a girl, and I’m with a guy, he’s dandy. Like he said, he doesn’t get those two emotions. Well, it’s okay, that means he trusts me a lot.

But one setback on this though is I end up feeling like I can’t comment on times when I feel he is acting inappropriately with another girl, for e.g. he once commented, “Wow, Hannah just wow” when this girl wore a top which accentuated her boobs. I say inappropriately; not that she’s not attractive, I thought the top was cute too but inappropriately in not respecting me as his gf. Did he even stop to think how I would feel and how other people view me when he comments about another girl in front of me like that. -I’m still hurt about it :(-

So I can’t comment on his actions or words and he knows it. He told me before that he doesn’t hold me back from complimenting guys so he will compliment girls if they’re hot. I don’t compliment guys though. I feel it’ll come off as flirty and what would I flirt when I already have a boyfriend. I’m not that type of girl who goes around doing that, if another girl does it ..I won’t judge her. But, I just don’t have it in me, you know?

Sigh. I know I deviated but I’m kinda down about it. We talked about it and he asked me if I wanted him to stop complimenting girls, and I said no because it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask him that. 


On my side of him trusting me a lot, is it correct to say he trusts me too much? Because hey, I’m human too and because he doesn’t do anything -protecting or wtv you wanna term it- I know I have my own principles about my own conduct as someone in a relationship so I don’t need to rely on my bf to define it for me. My conduct just seems way more free than my girl friends’ ones. 

Some girls may see it as “lucky you” but I don’t really see it as so. Sigh. I was talking to a friend of mine, a guy and we were alone in my car at night, and it was quite late and my car is small and I could feel this tension between us during some silences. I’m not even attracted to him in that way, but because we’re opposite sexes, it was night time, enclosed and tight space and moments of silence and I was telling him something really private and relating it to him. I just don’t want my bf and I to be in those situations with other people and only then think of the safeguards post-situation because it might be too late then, you know what I mean? He says he trusts me, and I him, but here’s where the “too much” comes in, we haven’t actually put out limiting parameters on what can/ cannot be done with members of the opposite sex so much that that situation in the car almost became something else. It would have been all too easy for me to do something or even my friend to do something because I sense that he may like me; but if there are limitations  for my bf and i so it does not even lead there to those situations, then it helps us both, to stay committed to each other. Becoming committed to someone isn’t difficult, staying that way is. And the difficulty I’ve been facing is exactly this, where do we draw the lines? There are so so many situations out there.