Dear John

Before 16/6/18 I started praying about us, our relationship. Praying that we will honour God in this relationship.

16/6/18

We talked in the car about pet peeves and what we didn’t like about what one another did.

Things you didn’t like me doing
– touching your hair
– massaging your neck while you drove
– calling you by nicknames when you were grumpy

Things I didn’t like you doing
– talking about Amanda (you talked about her so often I felt I already met her)

You asked me not to be insecure, that she was your best friend and I should accept it. I did.

But I went home and realised I was not being insecure, that, we should have discussed it instead of me giving into your defense. We should have talked it out.

I prayed about this that night.

19/6/18, Uncle Roger’s bday

You told me you finally told Amanda about us. You showed me the WhatsApp conversation and it started off with:

Hey baby/beautiful (can’t remember which)
I miss you so so so much
๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜˜

I felt my stomach drop.
“Is this how he talks to Amanda?”
Did GF mean nothing?
So what if she’s his best friend, where was the boundary. There was none, clearly.

I didn’t have the mood to read further. I wanted to cry there and then. I played with Heidi, Reiya, Emma, and all the kids; masking what I really felt.

I prayed about the text, I prayed over us, I prayed that I will not emotion get the better of me. I felt that you had cheated emotionally on me already. I wanted to break up, but I prayed and God encouraged me to persevere. SO i did.

24/6/18

You definitely told her about us. But it was like telling your first GF about your second GF.

I told you I didn’t want the plane tickets as my present. You didn’t ask me why, just a resounding FINE. I still don’t know why you were angry about me not wanting that. Sigh.

It got weird after that. You didn’t really talk to me about deeper things just about random shallow topics.

I made it clear where I stood on boundaries after reading your conversation (the one you allowed me to read) with Amanda.

– it was not healthy, you need to grow out of it
– should have boundaries
– I see us long term
– if you don’t grow out of it
– and you don’t have clear boundaries with her
– we are not long term

3 days went by and you didn’t reply.

I prayed about us. I prayed for you.

27/6/18
You sent flowers with
To: my name
From : your name

No message on the card.

I set a time, date and place for 29/6/18 to meet up.
You agree to the date, time and place on 27/6/18

I prayed tonight too.

29/6/18

You FFK. Because you needed a massage.

I prayed for God to help me let go of the anger, of the trying to reason why you would FFKย  ‘was I not important to you’ or ‘was the conversation something trivial’?

30/6/18

I asked to meet up again, the following Friday 6/7/18, thinking that you need more time to plan your week and maybe that is why you FFK-ed, I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

I ask you to confirm with me by 3/7/18. You reply on 30/6/18 with an “I think so” but you don’t set a time or place.

I prayed tonight too.

2/7/18

I remind you to confirm with me.
You set up a last minute meet up on the night itself. And I take it, because I am keen to work things out.

That night itself I remember talking and every reply you give is neither a clear yes or no. But “we see how or I don’t know”

You justify the lack of boundaries with Amanda “because she’s my best friend”

You tell me you both went thru a life and death situation together and hence are close. And that is why you talk to her the way you do.

I tell you I need time to go home and think about this new information. And I ask you if I cannot accept the way you talk to her, what then?

You tell me “then I will have to choose” [I honestly feel like you have already chosen T]

I pray tonight too.

3/7/18

I ask you some questions about who you will choose me vs Amanda in various situations.

If I am your wife and I need you and Amanda needs you, who will out choose? You answer “both” And then you change it saying the person I marry.

And then I switch it to rship and then you say, “the person I am dating”

[Why couldn’t you just say my name in both situations if I was your wife and I AM your GF? But you just answer a GENERAL reply and that is the answer in itself, really.]

I prayed tonight.

By 4/7/18

I know my answer to whether I can accept the lack of boundaries between you and Amanda. And ask if you want to meet the next day, 5/7/18. You’re busy.

I suggest 6/7/18 instead and will skip GG for it. But you’re busy too.

I prayed tonight.

5/7/18

I tell you we MUST meet after this weekend to talk things out.

“Do we?” Is what you reply

You ask why not Sunday instead of next week.

Sunday is my birthday, and I really did not want to talk or think about this on my bday. I had been crying every night and every drive otw home from work for the past 2 weeks since 24/6/18 and I really didn’t want to cry on my bday.

But you insist that you have been thinking. And I ask you abt what? And you say you will tell me when you see me.

I give in and ask you to tell me on my bday. Because I do still want to resolve this.

We agree to meet on 8/7/18 4 pm at designated place that I have to set up because you “dunno, up to you”

I was nervous the past two days and I prayed throughout the day and at night.

8/7/18

My birthday.
3pm you tell me you will be late for our 4pm meet because you are at Bangi , looking at property.

I say, that it’s only 3pm now, we agreed to meet at 4pm.

You reply, “Yeah, but I’m in Bangi”

I ask, “So, you cannot make it for 4pm?”
(I ask because I told you on 5/7/18 that I have dinner plans with my family AND EVENTHO you say you will be late, you didn’t tell me earlier or suggest a diff time.)

I call you because it’s faster than texting. But you cancel my call.

After the cancelled call, I ask you “So what does But mean?”

“But means Iโ€™m in Bangi now
Still doing some processing stuff
Can me meet at 430?” you say.

Because I’ve had enough of you putting off previous meetings and now, this, on my bday; I call off our meeting today.
“I rather go thru with it properly than rush because of dinner plans,” I tell you.

And then you suggest, at 3.15pm “or I call you tonight”

I reply at 3.17pm with a,”you tell me the time then.”

No reply from him the whole night, not even after dinner. Not even now – 2.27am 9/7/18

I waited and I waited and I waited. I prayed every day and every night about us, not just on the days those conversations took place. I got close friends to pray, B & Cuz our couple counselor, my friends prayed from when before we met at FGA 2/7/18 until last night.

Because I wanted to work it out. Because we persevere in a Christian relationship, persevere to love one another. But it’s not a grace that is free for all*. But perseverance also calls for accountability on your partner’s side. That when we agreed to be together, we also agreed to call each other out when we were not honoring the commitment we made to one another.

But why should I love you or persevere when you don’t love me or persevere for the relationship?

You gave up. You gave up when you kept putting off our meetings, when you couldn’t face me and talk about our relationship, be honest and transparent and speaking in truth.

I am not afraid of walking away from a man who says he loves me but does not love me through his deeds. A man who committed to wanting a relationship but couldn’t commit to keeping it. What is commitment?

Our relationship clearly meant so little to you.

When you went for the property meeting on 8/7/18 you could have told me ahead of time that you would be late, and suggested a different time or day. Or, you could have made plans around our meet up. Instead, you told me at the eleventh hour, an hour before our meetup??

What struck me the most is that you never apologised, T.

And I know why now:
1. You didn’t think you were wrong.
2. There does not need to be a boundary between you and your best friend, Amanda.
3. You never valued us, our relationship. You value your relationship with Amanda, hence you never saw the lack of boundary as wrong.
4. If you did value me. There would have been a boundary. You + me within the circle and every other friend on the outside.
5. You said you loved me. But your actions spoke louder than your words. And your actions these past three weeks showed me.
6. You don’t love me.

T, you never respected me these past few weeks in really wanting to meet up. You said it, but your words were empty. Respect is earned, and you lost all I had for you.

Written on 8/7/18

*Because someone asked about the grace is not free for all.

Let me explain with an exegesis -In Luke 3:8-9 John preaches about the fruit of repentance. Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, โ€˜We have Abraham as our father.โ€™ย For I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham.ย 9ย The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.โ€

True repentance is turning away from sin and turning towards God. If you turn away from sin but do not turn towards God, you have not repented. Many Christians today say they repent but do not produce fruit of repentance. The question to ask then is, ”have they truly repented? Or say so but do not truly believe so as their actions do not follow?”.

When I say Grace is not free for all, I mean that while Jesus has given us grace, instead of condemning us to ultimate death, we are also called to respond to it.ย 

How can we say I love you God, but have no desire to show in action that we love Him? Is that really love then? Or just a pretty word one uses as an excuse? Love is not just a feeling and in 1 Corinthians, we can see what love is. Not just in 1 Cor but in Luke 7, the faith of the centurion who was ”a man who is worthy and loves our nation and even built a synagogue for us.” So we see that the centurion did not just love in feeling or words but showed in action by building the synagogue.

Ourselves as Christians, if we keep taking grace for granted in a ‘free for all’ manner, as some pagans do think ‘I will keep sinning because God’s grace will always be here and he will forgive me’ If we understand it in this way, we are way out of context and do not understand grace or the life of a Christian at all.

That is what I meant by a grace that is not free for all. If we so say that we love God and have faith in Him but our faith is dead. DO we then love God? At the gates of heaven, I really do not believe that one can say, ‘God I believed in your son Jesus Christ, and I accepted him but I still sinned all my life, because your grace is so powerful and so that is why I should be allowed to enter Heaven now,’ and be allowed to enter Heaven.

Do not misunderstand me:

It is not faith + works = salvation

But faith = salvation + works

Because we have faith, we need to show it through works, our life.

 

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An open letter to fear

Dear Fear, I have been on this journey with T; for two months now and eventhough you’re on this journey with us – you cannot take the front seat. Not this time.

T brought Cheesiness along with him and so our ๐Ÿš— is rather squashed.. Cheesiness is quite big, as you might have noticed ๐Ÿ˜›. On your other side would be the Cheesiness’ best friend: Laughter.

Fear, I know, you’re not used to sharing space – but this time, I say to you, you’re going to have to deal with it; because you will find that there will be more friends joining us soon. Confidence is going to get her own seat because she’s confident!

I’m excited to be on this journey with T, and as you have warned me about men, I can tell you aren’t too excited. I know, you are not bad in essence but, when I find myself in the backseat and you in the front with whoever it was in the past – Work, Interests, Love, and even God; our journey almost always ended up in Nowhere. Yup, that place filled with people who have addictions and have lost their way. I don’t want to keep going back there, and neither do I want to book myself into the hotel there again. Service sucks there and nothing ever gets done!

I want, nay, I WILL go places with T – like Making New Friends, Foodtrip, climbing Fear Mountain (your birthplace), Lovers Lane etc. I’ve only ever passed by these places or gone and gave up seeing it through.

So, fear, yes, you are on this journey with us but you are not going to take the front seat again, not once or even a test drive. Just, No.

Note to self : do not let emotions rule the day.

Thanks for reading guys! x

Mistakes we make [edits made in green]

So, I’m facing this in my relationship now:

Why does your SO treat you less than your worth? Because you let them.

In my case, it is, “why did I let my SO treat me as though I was worth less than his ex?” Because I let him; I justified (understood) it the first time, and so, he pushed the boundary and repeated it a second time 4 days later.

When we justify allowing someone to treat us less than our worth; our value – it’s called cognitive dissonance.ย 

This means:ย the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change.ย 

Some of the reasons people try to justify being treated this way is: because you like your SO, because you love your SO, because you’re understanding, kind,ย etc.

You keep justifying it, he keeps pushing it, until it goes higher onto a pain threshold. Until you snap.

Thankfully, that’s not how it is with me. I love him but I also know my worth, and to ensure that I am not justifying it away – I ask myself:

If my friend was the one in my position, would I advise her to stay or leave? Would I allow her to be treated this way? Hell no.

I know my self worth. I believe I deserve to be treated like how a normal GF is to be treated. To please, accept my gift when I give it to you.

Sooooooo, the story goes thay I sent food (like Uber eats) to his workplace and his response was to change the address because his ex will be there.ย 

As any normal gf would do, I flipped. I apologised to him for flipping because I couldn’t control my reaction. But I decided to respond instead, after thinking it over. During my brain juice sessh..I realised:ย 

ONE. His apology 4 days earlier we’re just words. NATO. Because apologies mean repentance of not doing the same shit again. But to have it repeated so close to one another, got me. ๐Ÿ˜ย [edit, 14/4/18: okay, this is not fair, sorry. Making mistakes is part of sin, and I will be more understanding of it from now on. And to take an idealistic view of repentance from sin was something i should know better than to do. I was just emo because it was a few days apart from the first time..I guess I put you on a pedestal, but you’re only human, I’m sorry.]

TWO. He may say he doesn’t care about his ex, but he does. He prolly does not realise it, but his actions are pretty clear. And to my gut instinct, he is still not over taking care of how she feels. He’s been the one catering to her needs of getting closure, so it might have been an unconscious thing, and it spilled over..IDK. I mean, look, it’s not a bad thing to be a nice guy, but a nice guy to your ex when you hassssss a new GF? Uhmmm so which one is your girlfriend again? [edit, 14/4/18: he said he doesn’t care about her la, he did say. And that his reactions are based them having mutual friends and so it would affect their view of him. Sigh, I think it’s a tricky balancing act also, but discussing it would have helped.]

THREE. I don’t deserve this.ย 

My response:

As hard as it was for me to ask him to think about this relationship – that’s what I did.

Sigh, someone once said that it takes courage, to do the right thing because it can be scary as fuck. Your emotions and time is so invested in the person and also because it’s terrifying to start over. I was scared at first that I’d lose him.. but treating me this way, is not worth having and I’d rather not waste my time. But I’m okay, this was the right thing for me.

I’m all about being direct and being honest and don’t get me wrong with the rant above, I’d loveeeee for my guy to see where I’m coming from and talk about it and meet each other halfway; instead of a,”because xx can’t handle it, so you shouldn’t do anything right now.”

That kinda really threw me off because it was as though he was shutting down the conversation because he didn’t trust me. It was HIS decisions, bam bam bam. And also, it’s stupid, but idk why after he said that (because xx…right now), it made me feel like I DID SMTH WRONG. But all I did was show him my heart. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ He did clarify later about how I should not do anything like that right now; but it was only because I asked what can I do/not do in light of this situation.

Bottomline, his first response hurt me.ย 

What I’m trying to achieve when I asked for time off was not primarily because I was angry. I know, emotions are part of it.. but, he kept apologising to me in that situation above. And I don’t want that for him. It must’ve not been a nice feeling to know that he was hurting me. I want him to be happy. To be 100% okay with every decision he makes. And seeing as he was apologetic, made me realise he was not 100% okay with it. And so, I’m giving him the time off he needs to think about it. I got into a relationship with a man, and I am 100% for this relationship to work. But, we’ll see..


Could I have asked for wisdom from God before I messaged him? (Yes)
Could I have treated him with more love? (I think I’ve loved him a lot already though ๐Ÿค”, but since love is neverending, yes)
After all, on the flip side… Idk what the hell he’s facing. Cause I’m not him. And I’ll never be him.
I want to understand him more, sure, but if he wants to decide for himself, I’m not going to push him to let me be included.ย 
If you are facing this with your SO – you have got to take that leap and ask them straight up about it, no half truths, no lying to yourself.

On a bright note, I bought some things online and they’re arriving next week!! ๐Ÿ˜€

I’ve been praying for:

his ex: for healing in her mind, emotions & complete let go.

him: that God will help him work thru his thoughts and feelings, for clarity & a complete break and for boldness to draw a line in the sand & whole-hearted love & commitment to the Lord and towards me.

self: For patience & love, healing for my heart, forgiveness to flow, wisdom throughout the rest of our week long cool off.

God has been helping me to understand and have patience & love (I’d already forgiven him earlier), by this:

I was driving home last night from work and there was this car on the left lane who slowed down and anticipated a car who was turning into his lane from the junction. In that moment, God spoke and said, that’s like Tim..he was just anticipating the car coming out into his lane. What you’re asking him to do is not care about her(the car coming out) and keep going on the lane. But if he does = collision. Either he gives way or she does. But she’s not going to, so he is. Can you see it from that way? I was subdued for awhile but then I responded with a, I’m in a relationship with him, not a passenger, more like.. he’s not the only one driving that car. He’s the right hand of the wheel and I’m the left or, he’s the brake and i’m the gas pedal. He needs to discuss before deciding merhhhh, how can he decide on his own. The gas pedal thought he will go straight, but he decided on his own to press the brake.. So, the car itself has a problem then if both are doing different things without discussing. Then God was like, yeah not the best way to do it, but you get where he was coming from? And I did. Only last night, but BEFORE last night, I reallyyyyyyy could not reconcile it. Thank you God. Your grace is my sufficiency always.

There is something I rather regret in asking for this cooling off period and that is that I promised to be by his side throughout this time. Sorry I broke my promise.ย 

Reflection

Fear became
Desperation, and it became
Panic, and it became
Madness, and finally
Silence.

I knew I was a goner when everything became silent. I smiled on the outside, but inside I had died. Life was a joke, everything seemed meaningless and everyday was no longer a struggle. All I wanted to do was; for the silence to un-silence. But, the darkness had overwhelmed me and I knew then, thatย Iย was gone.

.

.

.

.

To be continued.


A rewind post in reflection of 2017, one of the darkest periods of my life.

10.28PM

I’m going through the motions.

I thought of you again today, yesterday, the day before that, and every day I was on holiday; I thought of the things you would’ve liked had you been there and knew what you would say about the animals and the food, etc. It’s like I had you with me, there.

I’ve been missing you. But the thing about nostalgia is that.. we tend to focus on the happy times – only those; forgetting how many times I got sad. And I got sad a lot dear reader. A relationship can’t only be about the happy times; because that would be unrealistic.

My nostalgia was unrealistic.

I wanted to remain in those memories, but I also know, it’s been three months and I need to let us go.

You told me you let us go; two weeks after we broke up, it only took you so short for an almost 2 year relationship. How nice it must be to so easily let go of things, sighhh..I wish I could to.

We flirted. We chased. We loved. We cried. We fought. We are no more.

I thought it was really immature of you to flirt with other girls while we were together. I thought it was inconsiderate of you not to turn the other girl down when she confessed. I disliked you not praying in all situations. I disliked your smartass comebacks even if they hurt someone, usually a girl. I disliked how you said you liked triggering girls (while we were together) just to make them remember you. But now, I just don’t care anymore.

I didn’t realize it then because I was blinded by how I felt about you but you are a pretty immature person.

 

[And if I could take a guess at why you did all those things with other girls, it would be – you have an inferiority complex; you want to be popular, but you aren’t naturally.. so you use words to trigger people, to make them be aware of you, mentally. There is nothing wrong with wittiness, but being mean while you’re at it…is something else. You said so yourself, you’re dark. Knowing that and knowing how a Christian should be, shouldn’t you work against it rather than with it?

Interestingly, your brother also has low self esteem.. but he responds in a more positive way of being punny, making people laugh and really listening to people when they talk.]

 

The Pied Piper calls

A page from her book:
I think, as much as I’m not ready to go on without you, and I know I will miss you a ton; but not as much as I miss Jesus now, I will have to decide soon. He calls me, the calls never end and I don’t want them to; I cannot unhear His call, I yearn to be holy to pursue Him and as Paul says in Phil 3:14 “straining forward, upward” (paraphrased)

In the past, our lives had always been parallel…our paths not crossing and sadly, after this brief meeting point, I don’t know if we will cross paths in this way again. Maybe? I really have no idea.

I learnt that when you leave someone it’s because you don’t love them or you decided to stop loving them. And I know the reason why Jesus still loves me/us is because He has promised to “never leave us, nor forsake us”. I’m brave enough to say that I want to love God more than love you. And because deciding to stop loving means I will leave.. let me tell you firmly: I cannot leave God, He calls me day and night. I know that I will die spiritually without Him, and my soul will cry bloody tears if that happens. Literally bloody tears.

And I’ve decided deep down to stop loving you. Because I only want to love the light and do things in the light, I cannot hide in the darkness when He has changed my life. He has changed it bottom to top, top to bottom. I desire Him so much it makes me sad when I compromise my decisions because of my love for you – to do the things which bind us to sin. I no longer have the yearn to live that life and I am ever grateful to Him who has saved me from that meaningless existence.

I don’t deny that you care deeply for me, and me likewise for you, but I care so much more for God and I want to please Him and get lost in Him.

If you ever want for US to be again, you’ll have to put God first in everything you have, you do, you say, you think, you Are– to get lost in Him too; and that’s where you’ll find me too. (Cheesy line)

I’m sorry but as much as I know that this will hurt you, it will hurt us more if I leave us be even longer.

I don’t claim to know every part of your life but I know that for the parts I’ve seen.. I know, that it’s dark there, and although you know about God; you do not know Him. It makes me afraid, afraid you will never know Him and that you will not be seeking to please Him with both your small and big decisions.

I cannot be part of that darkness anymore.

You see, when I was in that dark room, that place only Felt like it was my freedom when in actual fact I was always in chains.
That place was a place I grew up in and there were many hidden holes; and within some, I still hear the screams and tears of dark memories.
It is absent of my yearn of Him, intentionally I kept myself in that darkness.

I don’t want that anymore, a child of the light cannot. We just cannot, I know my brothers and sisters will agree with me that when we have stepped into the light and made a commitment to continue down this path, we cannot turn back; not because we are robots without a will, but, rather we have chosen His will as our own.

So that’s that.

Photo credit : webneel

Our desires are like waves on the shore

I know IT is all meaningless, all of it; these sexual desires are fleeting, just an in-the-moment feeling and is not even representative of my feelings towards you and towards myself because I respect you.

I respect that one day, you will get married and that woman may not be me, and one day I, too, will get married and it will pain us both (with our respective future partners too) if we keep up with how intimate we have been —- and we are intimate, I feel, even if we never have had sex.

Because why be 1% pure — just by non-committal of having sex, of that one act-? When God decrees for us to be pure, not just that 1% but the FULL 100% as seen:

”For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.” (1 Thes 4:3-5)

”Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul.” (1 Peter 2:11)

So many other verses talk about fleeing sexual immoralityย 1 Cor 6:18, Romans 13:13-14 I shan’t name them all, I’m sure you, dear reader is able to look them up yourself.

And not just the act of sexual immorality, but I’ve come to realise.. of NOT watching shows/movies/motion pictures with sex/sensual scenes helps me to fight against these desires. I believe and really want to act on it (more so now than prior to this), that is, to feed my mind with wholesome content, nay not just what I see but what I hear and what I talk to people about. (I know, i know, i cannot control what comes out of people’s mouths and it is not anyone’s fault should they say something which makes me, in turn, lust.) But, rather that I want to have more guard and control over the things I speak about that all my conversations, both in secret and out in the open so that I may glorify Him and how it is said in the verses, for us to be pure.

Training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age (Titus 2:12)

To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled. (Titus 1:15)

How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. (Psalm 119:9)

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matt 5:28)

For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. (Galatians 5:17)

I’ve come to desire to glorify God more, by the by. It has taken me time to realise that nothing truly pleases me, to last a life time- not money, or achievements or desires or pride, or people even! EXCEPT when I am pleasing God. That- truly pleases me and I can still remember the joy, jubilee and pleasure I felt the first time I did as God commanded. And i still feel it today, it never goes away, it is everlasting. AND, it is said in the Bible that the purpose of creation of man was for God’s glory:

Isaiah 43:7 says, ”everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made”

I really want us to set a firm boundary and do so, not because its ‘the right thing to do’ but because it is the right thing to do, according to God; our king, the beginning and the end.