Before 16/6/18 I started praying about us, our relationship. Praying that we will honour God in this relationship.
We talked in the car about pet peeves and what we didn’t like about what one another did.
Things you didn’t like me doing
– touching your hair
– massaging your neck while you drove
– calling you by nicknames when you were grumpy
Things I didn’t like you doing
– talking about Amanda (you talked about her so often I felt I already met her)
You asked me not to be insecure, that she was your best friend and I should accept it. I did.
But I went home and realised I was not being insecure, that, we should have discussed it instead of me giving into your defense. We should have talked it out.
I prayed about this that night.
19/6/18, Uncle Roger’s bday
You told me you finally told Amanda about us. You showed me the WhatsApp conversation and it started off with:
Hey baby/beautiful (can’t remember which)
I miss you so so so much
I felt my stomach drop.
“Is this how he talks to Amanda?”
Did GF mean nothing?
So what if she’s his best friend, where was the boundary. There was none, clearly.
I didn’t have the mood to read further. I wanted to cry there and then. I played with Heidi, Reiya, Emma, and all the kids; masking what I really felt.
I prayed about the text, I prayed over us, I prayed that I will not emotion get the better of me. I felt that you had cheated emotionally on me already. I wanted to break up, but I prayed and God encouraged me to persevere. SO i did.
You definitely told her about us. But it was like telling your first GF about your second GF.
I told you I didn’t want the plane tickets as my present. You didn’t ask me why, just a resounding FINE. I still don’t know why you were angry about me not wanting that. Sigh.
It got weird after that. You didn’t really talk to me about deeper things just about random shallow topics.
I made it clear where I stood on boundaries after reading your conversation (the one you allowed me to read) with Amanda.
– it was not healthy, you need to grow out of it
– should have boundaries
– I see us long term
– if you don’t grow out of it
– and you don’t have clear boundaries with her
– we are not long term
3 days went by and you didn’t reply.
I prayed about us. I prayed for you.
You sent flowers with
To: my name
From : your name
No message on the card.
I set a time, date and place for 29/6/18 to meet up.
You agree to the date, time and place on 27/6/18
I prayed tonight too.
You FFK. Because you needed a massage.
I prayed for God to help me let go of the anger, of the trying to reason why you would FFK ‘was I not important to you’ or ‘was the conversation something trivial’?
I asked to meet up again, the following Friday 6/7/18, thinking that you need more time to plan your week and maybe that is why you FFK-ed, I gave you the benefit of the doubt.
I ask you to confirm with me by 3/7/18. You reply on 30/6/18 with an “I think so” but you don’t set a time or place.
I prayed tonight too.
I remind you to confirm with me.
You set up a last minute meet up on the night itself. And I take it, because I am keen to work things out.
That night itself I remember talking and every reply you give is neither a clear yes or no. But “we see how or I don’t know”
You justify the lack of boundaries with Amanda “because she’s my best friend”
You tell me you both went thru a life and death situation together and hence are close. And that is why you talk to her the way you do.
I tell you I need time to go home and think about this new information. And I ask you if I cannot accept the way you talk to her, what then?
You tell me “then I will have to choose” [I honestly feel like you have already chosen T]
I pray tonight too.
I ask you some questions about who you will choose me vs Amanda in various situations.
If I am your wife and I need you and Amanda needs you, who will out choose? You answer “both” And then you change it saying the person I marry.
And then I switch it to rship and then you say, “the person I am dating”
[Why couldn’t you just say my name in both situations if I was your wife and I AM your GF? But you just answer a GENERAL reply and that is the answer in itself, really.]
I prayed tonight.
I know my answer to whether I can accept the lack of boundaries between you and Amanda. And ask if you want to meet the next day, 5/7/18. You’re busy.
I suggest 6/7/18 instead and will skip GG for it. But you’re busy too.
I prayed tonight.
I tell you we MUST meet after this weekend to talk things out.
“Do we?” Is what you reply
You ask why not Sunday instead of next week.
Sunday is my birthday, and I really did not want to talk or think about this on my bday. I had been crying every night and every drive otw home from work for the past 2 weeks since 24/6/18 and I really didn’t want to cry on my bday.
But you insist that you have been thinking. And I ask you abt what? And you say you will tell me when you see me.
I give in and ask you to tell me on my bday. Because I do still want to resolve this.
We agree to meet on 8/7/18 4 pm at designated place that I have to set up because you “dunno, up to you”
I was nervous the past two days and I prayed throughout the day and at night.
3pm you tell me you will be late for our 4pm meet because you are at Bangi , looking at property.
I say, that it’s only 3pm now, we agreed to meet at 4pm.
You reply, “Yeah, but I’m in Bangi”
I ask, “So, you cannot make it for 4pm?”
(I ask because I told you on 5/7/18 that I have dinner plans with my family AND EVENTHO you say you will be late, you didn’t tell me earlier or suggest a diff time.)
I call you because it’s faster than texting. But you cancel my call.
After the cancelled call, I ask you “So what does But mean?”
“But means I’m in Bangi now
Still doing some processing stuff
Can me meet at 430?” you say.
Because I’ve had enough of you putting off previous meetings and now, this, on my bday; I call off our meeting today.
“I rather go thru with it properly than rush because of dinner plans,” I tell you.
And then you suggest, at 3.15pm “or I call you tonight”
I reply at 3.17pm with a,”you tell me the time then.”
No reply from him the whole night, not even after dinner. Not even now – 2.27am 9/7/18
I waited and I waited and I waited. I prayed every day and every night about us, not just on the days those conversations took place. I got close friends to pray, B & Cuz our couple counselor, my friends prayed from when before we met at FGA 2/7/18 until last night.
Because I wanted to work it out. Because we persevere in a Christian relationship, persevere to love one another. But it’s not a grace that is free for all*. But perseverance also calls for accountability on your partner’s side. That when we agreed to be together, we also agreed to call each other out when we were not honoring the commitment we made to one another.
But why should I love you or persevere when you don’t love me or persevere for the relationship?
You gave up. You gave up when you kept putting off our meetings, when you couldn’t face me and talk about our relationship, be honest and transparent and speaking in truth.
I am not afraid of walking away from a man who says he loves me but does not love me through his deeds. A man who committed to wanting a relationship but couldn’t commit to keeping it. What is commitment?
Our relationship clearly meant so little to you.
When you went for the property meeting on 8/7/18 you could have told me ahead of time that you would be late, and suggested a different time or day. Or, you could have made plans around our meet up. Instead, you told me at the eleventh hour, an hour before our meetup??
What struck me the most is that you never apologised, T.
And I know why now:
1. You didn’t think you were wrong.
2. There does not need to be a boundary between you and your best friend, Amanda.
3. You never valued us, our relationship. You value your relationship with Amanda, hence you never saw the lack of boundary as wrong.
4. If you did value me. There would have been a boundary. You + me within the circle and every other friend on the outside.
5. You said you loved me. But your actions spoke louder than your words. And your actions these past three weeks showed me.
6. You don’t love me.
T, you never respected me these past few weeks in really wanting to meet up. You said it, but your words were empty. Respect is earned, and you lost all I had for you.
Written on 8/7/18
*Because someone asked about the grace is not free for all.
Let me explain with an exegesis -In Luke 3:8-9 John preaches about the fruit of repentance. Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ For I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. 9 The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.”
True repentance is turning away from sin and turning towards God. If you turn away from sin but do not turn towards God, you have not repented. Many Christians today say they repent but do not produce fruit of repentance. The question to ask then is, ”have they truly repented? Or say so but do not truly believe so as their actions do not follow?”.
When I say Grace is not free for all, I mean that while Jesus has given us grace, instead of condemning us to ultimate death, we are also called to respond to it.
How can we say I love you God, but have no desire to show in action that we love Him? Is that really love then? Or just a pretty word one uses as an excuse? Love is not just a feeling and in 1 Corinthians, we can see what love is. Not just in 1 Cor but in Luke 7, the faith of the centurion who was ”a man who is worthy and loves our nation and even built a synagogue for us.” So we see that the centurion did not just love in feeling or words but showed in action by building the synagogue.
Ourselves as Christians, if we keep taking grace for granted in a ‘free for all’ manner, as some pagans do think ‘I will keep sinning because God’s grace will always be here and he will forgive me’ If we understand it in this way, we are way out of context and do not understand grace or the life of a Christian at all.
That is what I meant by a grace that is not free for all. If we so say that we love God and have faith in Him but our faith is dead. DO we then love God? At the gates of heaven, I really do not believe that one can say, ‘God I believed in your son Jesus Christ, and I accepted him but I still sinned all my life, because your grace is so powerful and so that is why I should be allowed to enter Heaven now,’ and be allowed to enter Heaven.
Do not misunderstand me:
It is not faith + works = salvation
But faith = salvation + works
Because we have faith, we need to show it through works, our life.