I’m going through the motions.

I thought of you again today, yesterday, the day before that, and every day I was on holiday; I thought of the things you would’ve liked had you been there and knew what you would say about the animals and the food, etc. It’s like I had you with me, there.

I’ve been missing you. But the thing about nostalgia is that.. we tend to focus on the happy times – only those; forgetting how many times I got sad. And I got sad a lot dear reader. A relationship can’t only be about the happy times; because that would be unrealistic.

My nostalgia was unrealistic.

I wanted to remain in those memories, but I also know, it’s been three months and I need to let us go.

You told me you let us go; two weeks after we broke up, it only took you so short for an almost 2 year relationship. How nice it must be to so easily let go of things, sighhh..I wish I could to.

We flirted. We chased. We loved. We cried. We fought. We are no more.

I thought it was really immature of you to flirt with other girls while we were together. I thought it was inconsiderate of you not to turn the other girl down when she confessed. I disliked you not praying in all situations. I disliked your smartass comebacks even if they hurt someone, usually a girl. I disliked how you said you liked triggering girls (while we were together) just to make them remember you. But now, I just don’t care anymore.

I didn’t realize it then because I was blinded by how I felt about you but you are a pretty immature person.


[And if I could take a guess at why you did all those things with other girls, it would be – you have an inferiority complex; you want to be popular, but you aren’t naturally.. so you use words to trigger people, to make them be aware of you, mentally. There is nothing wrong with wittiness, but being mean while you’re at it…is something else. You said so yourself, you’re dark. Knowing that and knowing how a Christian should be, shouldn’t you work against it rather than with it?

Interestingly, your brother also has low self esteem.. but he responds in a more positive way of being punny, making people laugh and really listening to people when they talk.]



Neither jealous or protective! + more..

So, if you don’t already know or didn’t read my posts with the tag ❤ interest, then let me just say again: I suck at understanding guys.
I’m with this guy and he says he’s not the jealous type but that doesn’t mean he has never gotten jealous. He has, but I’ve never seen it. Yea, I kinda wanna see it, because it makes me feel he has something to protect. Right now, I just feel like he doesn’t really care if other guys treat me better or not.
I get that this is a good thing because jealousy is related to insecurity. But then, I have never seen him get protective either. (Or maybe it’s cause idk what it looks like when he is protective) It seems so so obvious to me when I watch Korean drama but I’m hopeless when it comes to myself. Honest.
So this naturally brings my female overactive mind to wonder if he even loves (he says it out loud often) me at all since he isn’t even protective of our relationship. -_- But boy, sometimes he can do some weird uncharacteristic things.
I’m not used to PDA..even hugging in public will prolly make me go red. And I think that hand holding is pretty much enough for PDA. But I noticed some thing he does is he feeds me his food in public. Like, even if it’s just water, he’ll ask me if I want some or sometimes he just gives it to me straightaway. I mean, I’m talking hereeee. I usually act pretty cool and just accept it tho.
The other day we were at a party and he laughed really loud at something which was not even that funny, 😐 i notice guys do this a lot. Whyyyy? He was irritatingly cute tho. 😏🙃
Lately though, when I read the Bible about Biblical love, it makes so much sense but it’s also very unlike kdramas and how they perpetuate love to be like.
I’ll post a separate article on this Biblical love because it’s too long and it’s talking about an entirely different thread of thought. I really need to be more aware and intentional in what I see and interpret as being loving and what love is which will help me so much in seeing properly if he loves me or not, and what the consequences of that are and whether that affects our relationship so far as it might actually be too soon for love. I think the discovery of any or all of the above will be a good thing for us. 
Another thing he does is during Bible meets, he will raise his eyebrows and make 😚 faces and mouth I labb you. It’s so endearing when he does that. I find it so embarrassing though sometimes I ignore it, yes, confession. Sorry to all the guys out there if you’re offended with us girls ignoring you when you do these things in a group.. Sometimes it’s so difficult to reply esp when everyone else is there ._.
And he also just taps me with raised eyebrows and a nod of his head as though asking me, “what’s up?” When I’m deep in conversation with another one of my mates while he’s talking to another mate. But he doesn’t do it when HE’S talking to a girl. He just passes me by. . . You feel that wind?? Pretty chilly ay?
So based on all my observations, I’ve come to the conclusion that he only does things when he himself is bored not because it’s because of me. 😐 His actions towards me is only because of how he feels about himself-if he’s with a guy, and I’m with another guy.. he’ll just tap me on my shoulder. If he’s with a girl, and I’m with a guy, he’s dandy. Like he said, he doesn’t get those two emotions. Well, it’s okay, that means he trusts me a lot.

But one setback on this though is I end up feeling like I can’t comment on times when I feel he is acting inappropriately with another girl, for e.g. he once commented, “Wow, Hannah just wow” when this girl wore a top which accentuated her boobs. I say inappropriately; not that she’s not attractive, I thought the top was cute too but inappropriately in not respecting me as his gf. Did he even stop to think how I would feel and how other people view me when he comments about another girl in front of me like that. -I’m still hurt about it :(-

So I can’t comment on his actions or words and he knows it. He told me before that he doesn’t hold me back from complimenting guys so he will compliment girls if they’re hot. I don’t compliment guys though. I feel it’ll come off as flirty and what would I flirt when I already have a boyfriend. I’m not that type of girl who goes around doing that, if another girl does it ..I won’t judge her. But, I just don’t have it in me, you know?

Sigh. I know I deviated but I’m kinda down about it. We talked about it and he asked me if I wanted him to stop complimenting girls, and I said no because it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask him that. 

On my side of him trusting me a lot, is it correct to say he trusts me too much? Because hey, I’m human too and because he doesn’t do anything -protecting or wtv you wanna term it- I know I have my own principles about my own conduct as someone in a relationship so I don’t need to rely on my bf to define it for me. My conduct just seems way more free than my girl friends’ ones. 

Some girls may see it as “lucky you” but I don’t really see it as so. Sigh. I was talking to a friend of mine, a guy and we were alone in my car at night, and it was quite late and my car is small and I could feel this tension between us during some silences. I’m not even attracted to him in that way, but because we’re opposite sexes, it was night time, enclosed and tight space and moments of silence and I was telling him something really private and relating it to him. I just don’t want my bf and I to be in those situations with other people and only then think of the safeguards post-situation because it might be too late then, you know what I mean? He says he trusts me, and I him, but here’s where the “too much” comes in, we haven’t actually put out limiting parameters on what can/ cannot be done with members of the opposite sex so much that that situation in the car almost became something else. It would have been all too easy for me to do something or even my friend to do something because I sense that he may like me; but if there are limitations  for my bf and i so it does not even lead there to those situations, then it helps us both, to stay committed to each other. Becoming committed to someone isn’t difficult, staying that way is. And the difficulty I’ve been facing is exactly this, where do we draw the lines? There are so so many situations out there. 

I see you everywhere

The girl who likes my man, I see you in everyone, in the posts of love, of a crush wasting by, I see you in that too,
I see your poems about his smiles, his playful attitude
and how your feelings are in vain, it makes me understand your pain, but it makes me doubt our friendship too,
keep your friends close and enemies closer still, it couldn’t be more true,
but seeing you like this makes me think of what-ifs, I see you in all those scenarios too.
You asked him out on a movie date, I have to admire your gall, you pleaded innocent with your I really didn’t know,
i asked him not to be harsh in rejecting you, but to let you down nicely, cause that’s how I’d want to be treated too,
but woe is me, I can’t say anything now.. though, this is how i feel; it’d make me look a fool.


She asks me questions.. about him 

Every few weeks

It becomes more frequent when she sees him

Or when she sees other eligible guys

She hints at it

It sucks to know she disapproves

She means so much

I believe in it

in us


If you lack in one aspect to her, you just gotta be better in other things

If she thinks you're not serious, show her

If she says its not viable, we gotta do better!! 

A situation can always be changed, an opinion too





Even without mum as a catalyst,

we gotta
keep going, try harder. we need to.

The moment we get comfortable, is the moment we stop becoming better, stop trying harder.
(in all aspects)

PC: http://digitalphotobuzz.com/how-to-photograph-tulips

Waiting (a bit) too long, and its consequences.


January. We dated. I dated around due to parental issues. You didn’t; you didn’t want to. But we talked about it, and you let me go out with other men.








June. I started to have a crush on my friend. I didn’t know it, but you saw and knew how i felt regardless. You said, ‘we’ll see how it progresses.’ I didn’t know what you meant. 






September. My parents relented. We started dating exclusively.


October. We don’t go out much.  i’d like to though.   We’re both busy. You in your final semester of second year, me with my internship. (Yes, my dear readers, my special person is younger.)

Through it all though, and this is the part I get my thoughts out aka thinking of myself first.. I think waiting too long before dating exclusively has unintended consequences, of which one of it is us being accommodating of each other’s busyness. Too accommodating. Maybe its because we want to be depicted as patient people. But, we’re human, and i can be sure, we’re not patient people all the time. I know I’m not, sometimes i get impatient with you, but i suppress it. And for what? To remain nice.. sigh, its not a big thing. But its there. 

Also, I want some passion (maybe passion isn’t the right word..)  like the, ‘i won’t take your busyness as a reason to keep putting off our dates. Even 15 minutes of seeing each other is fine.’

Or even some romance. I really love romance. And its soo soo underrated. Also, its silly and i swear I’m not materialistic, but i like that you paid for that octopus. It showed me that you liking me wasn’t just words but you’re willing to spend money on me- even though we’re both students. Its silly, but it touched me.

I want someone to reassure me that its okay to want these things, to ask for these things, but i don’t want to burden him when he’s not earning. 

We can do some other things which doesn’t require dollars haha, just time. Nature related or cooking together or serving together or studying together. I’m happy with time too, for now. When he earns, he would know how to do those things..right? x) 

Also, idk if we are together or not. He said he wants to do the proper thing and take me out and ask me out officially and i stupidly said ‘its okay, you don’t need to cause we’re still studying’ (did i just emasculate him :o). But regardless, like R said, might as well call a spade, a spade. Wise guy. 🙂

p/s waiting too long was a fault on my side tho, cause i was the one who was not ready to take the plunge. so unwilling to deviate from my parents’ wishes.

Beyond the present – the beginning of the end

UH OH..that title doesn’t look too good does it? Yeahh, that’s because it is not good..

 The beginning..of my problems? nahh, problems isn’t the right word..more like, hmm, the start of reality sinking in. The reality that this guy I call my boyfriend does not really match me as a person, different hobbies, interests, friends and LANGUAGE even, i began to ask myself, ‘What was i thinking??’ Was i even thinking when i got together with him? Perhaps my brain was in my ass these past months; it would explain the lightheaded-ness i felt whenever i was around him. 

Chapter 7, Last Chapter: 

We did breakup, faster than i expected myself to. All kinds of thoughts ran through my mind, i was sad sure, but i could see logic too. There really was no point spending / wasting any more time together when i  had decided that this relationship was Not working out. (Sounds cold-hearted..but it’s the truth)

When i was breaking up with him; he did say he felt that he really needed to work at the relationship because of our language barrier, which i have to agree with.  I did enjoy being in a relationship, while it lasted. He wasn’t my first kiss although he was my first boyfriend 😛 and i am really glad he was not my first kiss, cause well, honestly i feel like he sucked as a boyfriend. T. Swift has a song titled ‘You’re not sorry’ and in it she talks about, ‘..And you got your share of secrets and I’m tired of being last to know..’ I know he had secrets cause he said so himself on not opening up to me and though this did hurt me initially, i just left it at that cause i figured it was his prerogative, as long as i was honest it didn’t matter much to me. (okay, yes, a relationship is about trust and honesty, so i guess i was being a bit naive?) He had a lot of shortcomings, but then again who doesn’t? (no, i don’t like him anymore.) But for me, i know i didn’t like him enough to fully accept those shortcomings and also go against my parents wishes. (this is my blog so, yes, i am going to be painfully, selfishly(?) honest)

I learnt so many things about relationships this past year and more particularly, meaningful relationships with both guys and girls. I cherish the people around me more: forgive faster, apologise sooner, understand people more, being more open minded, loving myself more, putting myself first more rather than having to do something i did not want to do, learning to say no, believing in my own views, questioning other’s views, etc.

He said something i disagreed with though, he said, ‘I felt like i had to work (not labor but more due to conflicting views/ opinions) to have a relationship.’

Honestly, I feel that every relationship requires effort and constant commitment,  a relationship is not one where one agrees to be together and expect that there is no need to ‘work at it’ after that. No matter how good friends you were before you got together, no matter how much you already understand one another, no matter how many times you see each other in a day, week or month; people will still have to work at their relationships. Like the image below, i hope you, my ex will find a reason to not walk away from a girl one day. And for myself, that I will be wiser in choosing friends and a person to be with, till marriage one day.

Hard decisions