Our desires are like waves on the shore

I know IT is all meaningless, all of it; these sexual desires are fleeting, just an in-the-moment feeling and is not even representative of my feelings towards you and towards myself because I respect you.

I respect that one day, you will get married and that woman may not be me, and one day I, too, will get married and it will pain us both (with our respective future partners too) if we keep up with how intimate we have been —- and we are intimate, I feel, even if we never have had sex.

Because why be 1% pure — just by non-committal of having sex, of that one act-? When God decrees for us to be pure, not just that 1% but the FULL 100% as seen:

”For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.” (1 Thes 4:3-5)

”Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul.” (1 Peter 2:11)

So many other verses talk about fleeing sexual immorality 1 Cor 6:18, Romans 13:13-14 I shan’t name them all, I’m sure you, dear reader is able to look them up yourself.

And not just the act of sexual immorality, but I’ve come to realise.. of NOT watching shows/movies/motion pictures with sex/sensual scenes helps me to fight against these desires. I believe and really want to act on it (more so now than prior to this), that is, to feed my mind with wholesome content, nay not just what I see but what I hear and what I talk to people about. (I know, i know, i cannot control what comes out of people’s mouths and it is not anyone’s fault should they say something which makes me, in turn, lust.) But, rather that I want to have more guard and control over the things I speak about that all my conversations, both in secret and out in the open so that I may glorify Him and how it is said in the verses, for us to be pure.

Training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age (Titus 2:12)

To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled. (Titus 1:15)

How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. (Psalm 119:9)

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matt 5:28)

For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. (Galatians 5:17)

I’ve come to desire to glorify God more, by the by. It has taken me time to realise that nothing truly pleases me, to last a life time- not money, or achievements or desires or pride, or people even! EXCEPT when I am pleasing God. That- truly pleases me and I can still remember the joy, jubilee and pleasure I felt the first time I did as God commanded. And i still feel it today, it never goes away, it is everlasting. AND, it is said in the Bible that the purpose of creation of man was for God’s glory:

Isaiah 43:7 says, ”everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made”

I really want us to set a firm boundary and do so, not because its ‘the right thing to do’ but because it is the right thing to do, according to God; our king, the beginning and the end.

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Reflection

Fear became
Desperation, and it became
Panic, and it became
Madness, and finally
Silence.

I knew I was a goner when everything became silent. I smiled on the outside, but inside I had died. Life was a joke, everything seemed meaningless and everyday was no longer a struggle. All I wanted to do was; for the silence to un-silence. But, the darkness had overwhelmed me and I knew then, that I was gone.

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To be continued.


A rewind post in reflection of 2017, one of the darkest periods of my life.

10.28PM

I’m going through the motions.

I thought of you again today, yesterday, the day before that, and every day I was on holiday; I thought of the things you would’ve liked had you been there and knew what you would say about the animals and the food, etc. It’s like I had you with me, there.

I’ve been missing you. But the thing about nostalgia is that.. we tend to focus on the happy times – only those; forgetting how many times I got sad. And I got sad a lot dear reader. A relationship can’t only be about the happy times; because that would be unrealistic.

My nostalgia was unrealistic.

I wanted to remain in those memories, but I also know, it’s been three months and I need to let us go.

You told me you let us go; two weeks after we broke up, it only took you so short for an almost 2 year relationship. How nice it must be to so easily let go of things, sighhh..I wish I could to.

We flirted. We chased. We loved. We cried. We fought. We are no more.

I thought it was really immature of you to flirt with other girls while we were together. I thought it was inconsiderate of you not to turn the other girl down when she confessed. I disliked you not praying in all situations. I disliked your smartass comebacks even if they hurt someone, usually a girl. I disliked how you said you liked triggering girls (while we were together) just to make them remember you. But now, I just don’t care anymore.

I didn’t realize it then because I was blinded by how I felt about you but you are a pretty immature person.

 

[And if I could take a guess at why you did all those things with other girls, it would be – you have an inferiority complex; you want to be popular, but you aren’t naturally.. so you use words to trigger people, to make them be aware of you, mentally. There is nothing wrong with wittiness, but being mean while you’re at it…is something else. You said so yourself, you’re dark. Knowing that and knowing how a Christian should be, shouldn’t you work against it rather than with it?

Interestingly, your brother also has low self esteem.. but he responds in a more positive way of being punny, making people laugh and really listening to people when they talk.]

 

The Pied Piper calls

A page from her book:
I think, as much as I’m not ready to go on without you, and I know I will miss you a ton; but not as much as I miss Jesus now, I will have to decide soon. He calls me, the calls never end and I don’t want them to; I cannot unhear His call, I yearn to be holy to pursue Him and as Paul says in Phil 3:14 “straining forward, upward” (paraphrased)

In the past, our lives had always been parallel…our paths not crossing and sadly, after this brief meeting point, I don’t know if we will cross paths in this way again. Maybe? I really have no idea.

I learnt that when you leave someone it’s because you don’t love them or you decided to stop loving them. And I know the reason why Jesus still loves me/us is because He has promised to “never leave us, nor forsake us”. I’m brave enough to say that I want to love God more than love you. And because deciding to stop loving means I will leave.. let me tell you firmly: I cannot leave God, He calls me day and night. I know that I will die spiritually without Him, and my soul will cry bloody tears if that happens. Literally bloody tears.

And I’ve decided deep down to stop loving you. Because I only want to love the light and do things in the light, I cannot hide in the darkness when He has changed my life. He has changed it bottom to top, top to bottom. I desire Him so much it makes me sad when I compromise my decisions because of my love for you – to do the things which bind us to sin. I no longer have the yearn to live that life and I am ever grateful to Him who has saved me from that meaningless existence.

I don’t deny that you care deeply for me, and me likewise for you, but I care so much more for God and I want to please Him and get lost in Him.

If you ever want for US to be again, you’ll have to put God first in everything you have, you do, you say, you think, you Are– to get lost in Him too; and that’s where you’ll find me too. (Cheesy line)

I’m sorry but as much as I know that this will hurt you, it will hurt us more if I leave us be even longer.

I don’t claim to know every part of your life but I know that for the parts I’ve seen.. I know, that it’s dark there, and although you know about God; you do not know Him. It makes me afraid, afraid you will never know Him and that you will not be seeking to please Him with both your small and big decisions.

I cannot be part of that darkness anymore.

You see, when I was in that dark room, that place only Felt like it was my freedom when in actual fact I was always in chains.
That place was a place I grew up in and there were many hidden holes; and within some, I still hear the screams and tears of dark memories.
It is absent of my yearn of Him, intentionally I kept myself in that darkness.

I don’t want that anymore, a child of the light cannot. We just cannot, I know my brothers and sisters will agree with me that when we have stepped into the light and made a commitment to continue down this path, we cannot turn back; not because we are robots without a will, but, rather we have chosen His will as our own.

So that’s that.

Photo credit : webneel

Neither jealous or protective! + more..

So, if you don’t already know or didn’t read my posts with the tag ❤ interest, then let me just say again: I suck at understanding guys.
I’m with this guy and he says he’s not the jealous type but that doesn’t mean he has never gotten jealous. He has, but I’ve never seen it. Yea, I kinda wanna see it, because it makes me feel he has something to protect. Right now, I just feel like he doesn’t really care if other guys treat me better or not.
I get that this is a good thing because jealousy is related to insecurity. But then, I have never seen him get protective either. (Or maybe it’s cause idk what it looks like when he is protective) It seems so so obvious to me when I watch Korean drama but I’m hopeless when it comes to myself. Honest.
So this naturally brings my female overactive mind to wonder if he even loves (he says it out loud often) me at all since he isn’t even protective of our relationship. -_- But boy, sometimes he can do some weird uncharacteristic things.
I’m not used to PDA..even hugging in public will prolly make me go red. And I think that hand holding is pretty much enough for PDA. But I noticed some thing he does is he feeds me his food in public. Like, even if it’s just water, he’ll ask me if I want some or sometimes he just gives it to me straightaway. I mean, I’m talking hereeee. I usually act pretty cool and just accept it tho.
The other day we were at a party and he laughed really loud at something which was not even that funny, 😐 i notice guys do this a lot. Whyyyy? He was irritatingly cute tho. 😏🙃
Lately though, when I read the Bible about Biblical love, it makes so much sense but it’s also very unlike kdramas and how they perpetuate love to be like.
I’ll post a separate article on this Biblical love because it’s too long and it’s talking about an entirely different thread of thought. I really need to be more aware and intentional in what I see and interpret as being loving and what love is which will help me so much in seeing properly if he loves me or not, and what the consequences of that are and whether that affects our relationship so far as it might actually be too soon for love. I think the discovery of any or all of the above will be a good thing for us. 
Another thing he does is during Bible meets, he will raise his eyebrows and make 😚 faces and mouth I labb you. It’s so endearing when he does that. I find it so embarrassing though sometimes I ignore it, yes, confession. Sorry to all the guys out there if you’re offended with us girls ignoring you when you do these things in a group.. Sometimes it’s so difficult to reply esp when everyone else is there ._.
And he also just taps me with raised eyebrows and a nod of his head as though asking me, “what’s up?” When I’m deep in conversation with another one of my mates while he’s talking to another mate. But he doesn’t do it when HE’S talking to a girl. He just passes me by. . . You feel that wind?? Pretty chilly ay?
So based on all my observations, I’ve come to the conclusion that he only does things when he himself is bored not because it’s because of me. 😐 His actions towards me is only because of how he feels about himself-if he’s with a guy, and I’m with another guy.. he’ll just tap me on my shoulder. If he’s with a girl, and I’m with a guy, he’s dandy. Like he said, he doesn’t get those two emotions. Well, it’s okay, that means he trusts me a lot.

But one setback on this though is I end up feeling like I can’t comment on times when I feel he is acting inappropriately with another girl, for e.g. he once commented, “Wow, Hannah just wow” when this girl wore a top which accentuated her boobs. I say inappropriately; not that she’s not attractive, I thought the top was cute too but inappropriately in not respecting me as his gf. Did he even stop to think how I would feel and how other people view me when he comments about another girl in front of me like that. -I’m still hurt about it :(-

So I can’t comment on his actions or words and he knows it. He told me before that he doesn’t hold me back from complimenting guys so he will compliment girls if they’re hot. I don’t compliment guys though. I feel it’ll come off as flirty and what would I flirt when I already have a boyfriend. I’m not that type of girl who goes around doing that, if another girl does it ..I won’t judge her. But, I just don’t have it in me, you know?

Sigh. I know I deviated but I’m kinda down about it. We talked about it and he asked me if I wanted him to stop complimenting girls, and I said no because it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask him that. 


On my side of him trusting me a lot, is it correct to say he trusts me too much? Because hey, I’m human too and because he doesn’t do anything -protecting or wtv you wanna term it- I know I have my own principles about my own conduct as someone in a relationship so I don’t need to rely on my bf to define it for me. My conduct just seems way more free than my girl friends’ ones. 

Some girls may see it as “lucky you” but I don’t really see it as so. Sigh. I was talking to a friend of mine, a guy and we were alone in my car at night, and it was quite late and my car is small and I could feel this tension between us during some silences. I’m not even attracted to him in that way, but because we’re opposite sexes, it was night time, enclosed and tight space and moments of silence and I was telling him something really private and relating it to him. I just don’t want my bf and I to be in those situations with other people and only then think of the safeguards post-situation because it might be too late then, you know what I mean? He says he trusts me, and I him, but here’s where the “too much” comes in, we haven’t actually put out limiting parameters on what can/ cannot be done with members of the opposite sex so much that that situation in the car almost became something else. It would have been all too easy for me to do something or even my friend to do something because I sense that he may like me; but if there are limitations  for my bf and i so it does not even lead there to those situations, then it helps us both, to stay committed to each other. Becoming committed to someone isn’t difficult, staying that way is. And the difficulty I’ve been facing is exactly this, where do we draw the lines? There are so so many situations out there. 

I see you everywhere

The girl who likes my man, I see you in everyone, in the posts of love, of a crush wasting by, I see you in that too,
I see your poems about his smiles, his playful attitude
and how your feelings are in vain, it makes me understand your pain, but it makes me doubt our friendship too,
keep your friends close and enemies closer still, it couldn’t be more true,
but seeing you like this makes me think of what-ifs, I see you in all those scenarios too.
You asked him out on a movie date, I have to admire your gall, you pleaded innocent with your I really didn’t know,
i asked him not to be harsh in rejecting you, but to let you down nicely, cause that’s how I’d want to be treated too,
but woe is me, I can’t say anything now.. though, this is how i feel; it’d make me look a fool.