i am still whole, but sometimes i remember my brokenness


One part of the thing my pastor talked about today was how forgiveness of sins is instant but sanctification from the sin (being part of our life) is a process.

I cannot agree with it more. For 16 years of my life i believed that i will not and could not have a relationship with a Christian guy; because of the trauma i experienced. (Read ’16 years’) And besides not wanting to; on my part, because of the mental block, i also had parts of me which did not believe i deserved to even be with these Christian guys. Because on the whole, they were the ones placed on the pedestal of supposedly being better than the other guys out there.

IN REALITY though, i later learned from my mom that guys are guys and she always says this, So what if they are Christian? They’re still men and they have sexual drives. Pigs are still pigs, basically. Oh mum :’)

Sometimes, i still have traces of those emotions, of not being worthy of having a relationship, (Stemming from feeling like used goods back then) or feeling like a relationship won’t last because i am not made whole but i am broken.

And i know that i can get past this only with God’s help, in the sense that i will find my worth and value in God; who i was born as, not who i have become due to experiences. It’s just sometimes i get really depressed and stuck in the feelings that i do not deserve a relationship and all the depressing emotions.. URGHHHHH

Colour me shades of uncertainty, sometimes.e6c0eb7502de6c89018bd9b7a98239c0