Forgiven series – The reason why

So, just a summary of the first post. I was a B person. I had spied for the B’s side.. B honestly, truly believed that he was right in the way he went about things, he called it protecting his flock. If I remember correctly, he said something along the lines of he didn’t care how other people viewed him, as long as those G people were either out of church or agreed to sit still. I remember him saying he would be happy if they left.


Throughout the year, something began to grow within me – – the yearn for the truth and for understanding. (Why was there so much discord within our Sunday times) So, believing that by staying on B’s side I would be having colored lens – I intentionally distanced myself from B, to learn if these G group; the people I’d grown up with in church, really had bad intentions, were as bad as B painted them to be.

I just wanted to understand, I just wanted for the strife to stop and for us to love. Was that so wrong? It was God’s love, that he loves us all which began to move in me. In Mark 12:31 it says, The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Was what we B-ers doing Love? Bad-mouthing, creating outcasts, making them into jokes, etc. – – is this love? Doesn’t God tell us to turn the other cheek too?

The next time B insulted one of people on G’s side in front of people, I went to B’s room and reprimanded him on it. As a sinner to a sinner, not that I was a better person than B. Not that I was anything above B, but because what he did was wrong. Aren’t we allowed to do that? Or am I not allowed to call out a Pastor when he does something wrong? Just because he is a pastor.

But B saw that reprimand as me going to G group’s side. Just because I stood up for someone being unfairly and personally attacked in a meeting filled with other people.

I learnt only recently that B has been telling people on his side that I betrayed B by going to G’s side.

Subsequently, he did to me what he did to everyone else in G. Bad-mouthed, made me an outcast among the people I grew up with.. because they buy into his sentiments without actually knowing for themselves, they only know what B tells them. B once blinded me with his lies about G group. But during the period of being away and sincerely asking G group about everything.. I learnt that B had withheld some things,  I can only guess it was to give his stories a more dramatic flair to convince us of why group G is wrong; and that B is right and therefore it gave B and his minions a right to treat other people in that way. I don’t know about you reader, and B follower, but not telling the whole truth IS lying. There is no fence of “he wasn’t really”.

The lies theory used to be a theory. But I tested it recently, and sadly for B I have WhatsApp and minutes of meeting proof showing that he again, withheld the truth. And thankfully it wasn’t to me alone, but to a whole group of people.

B has twisted things to suit himself and his agendas time and again. A pastor.

I have posted this online for my ex to read, as he is the only one of the B group I told about regarding this account. Ex, you deserve to know the full truth from both sides, not just what B has been telling you. You are too afraid to ask me yourself, afraid you’ll get influenced too I suppose. For whatever the reason, I know that you will not talk face to face with me anytime soon for fear of making B feel more threatened.

This account remains anonymous to everyone else and please keep it that way ex. Please continue to let me trust you.

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Forgiven series – A point in time.

*This has Evangelical content, you have been warned.

So, a ton of shitty things have been happening in my church. A ton of shitty shitty worldly things.. I won’t say I’m entirely clean from the dirt but he fought the dirtiest, a man whom I respected and looked up to at one point in time. No more, never again. I think I know how everyone felt when our pastor admitted to sexual sin not with his spouse, everyone felt – – BETRAYED. And I didn’t understand it then, but I do now, I understand the people and the pastor.


But in order to tell this story rightly – as I always insist on doing; after all, this is my space and I can write however loooooong a story I want if that is what it is, so, I will start from the beginning.

In the beginning, I was close to this man, this leader in church. Yes, a pastor.  Let’s call him B. Close by association.. because my ex was his mentee, therefore I was considered part of “his” people. Apparently there were sides in church, of which B insisted verbally that there was no such thing. (On hindsight, his actions spoke loudly about having a particular side, a particular group of people, a particular way of thinking, you get me?)

Initially, I was part of B’s side. And I knew it, I spied for him, I told him what the other side was planning, he didn’t specifically say, do this do that. But it was said through his expression of concern in the actions of the other group of people. Concern due to his misunderstanding of this other group of people. His misunderstanding which led to a bunch of us B siders hanging on to every word of B and being indoctrinated with – – not doctrine but, B’s personal opinions due to personal experiences with this other group of people, who, according to B were hostile, trying to make people leave church, etc. I didn’t personally experience these from this other group, let’s call them G. But because B did; he passed his sentiments on to us, his side, because we were part of his group.

It’s like, when your GF out of your group of GFs experience bad service at a clothing store and when she tells her gang about it, everyone in the group boycotts that shop JUST BECAUSE.

I am ashamed to admit it now, but we made people in G group feel like outsiders, outcasts. The room would go quiet when they entered the room, we didn’t include them in our Godly activities and for what–? Just so we would remain loyal to B; a mere person.

We forsook our fellow believers, we forsook accountability, love, gentleness and replaced it with prideful zeal “we are right, not them”, we believed they were beyond help, and so we left them out. Colour me ashamed.

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.” Matt 18:15

B was confrontational, all the time. He would point out their wrong in front of other people. The times I was there, I was uncomfortable but I ignored it because I believed we were right, it was self-righteousness. How wrong and sorry I am now.

10.28PM

I’m going through the motions.

I thought of you again today, yesterday, the day before that, and every day I was on holiday; I thought of the things you would’ve liked had you been there and knew what you would say about the animals and the food, etc. It’s like I had you with me, there.

I’ve been missing you. But the thing about nostalgia is that.. we tend to focus on the happy times – only those; forgetting how many times I got sad. And I got sad a lot dear reader. A relationship can’t only be about the happy times; because that would be unrealistic.

My nostalgia was unrealistic.

I wanted to remain in those memories, but I also know, it’s been three months and I need to let us go.

You told me you let us go; two weeks after we broke up, it only took you so short for an almost 2 year relationship. How nice it must be to so easily let go of things, sighhh..I wish I could to.

We flirted. We chased. We loved. We cried. We fought. We are no more.

I thought it was really immature of you to flirt with other girls while we were together. I thought it was inconsiderate of you not to turn the other girl down when she confessed. I disliked you not praying in all situations. I disliked your smartass comebacks even if they hurt someone, usually a girl. I disliked how you said you liked triggering girls (while we were together) just to make them remember you. But now, I just don’t care anymore.

I didn’t realize it then because I was blinded by how I felt about you but you are a pretty immature person.

 

[And if I could take a guess at why you did all those things with other girls, it would be – you have an inferiority complex; you want to be popular, but you aren’t naturally.. so you use words to trigger people, to make them be aware of you, mentally. There is nothing wrong with wittiness, but being mean while you’re at it…is something else. You said so yourself, you’re dark. Knowing that and knowing how a Christian should be, shouldn’t you work against it rather than with it?

Interestingly, your brother also has low self esteem.. but he responds in a more positive way of being punny, making people laugh and really listening to people when they talk.]

 

2.55am

If I could go back to before we started, I would. I’d let go of it all. I regret us. Every kiss, I want to be untouched again. Take me back, oh father time.

Every night in the car, every heated argument, every hug, every word heard and said, every look, every feeling jumping out of our skins and seeping into one another, every I-miss-you, every sadness, every laughter, every single time spent waiting, every goodnight and good morning, every 8 letter phrase, sighhhh.

At least I don’t have more to regret, and for that I will always be thankful to my bestie V.

Aside

Weak; a poem dedicated to my dear

weak

/wēk/

adjective

liable to break or give way under pressure; easily damaged.


I’m a little weak when it comes to you, it’s true

The shape of you, the taste of you, it’s hard to resist

I know I’ve said I can live without you, but it’s a bluff;

A fake out

If I start, I may not stop, I’m a bad liar

I’m trying not to think about you

I’m trying not to give up my resolution

Still thinking about it all, caught up in your texture

The hot weather doesn’t help

Just a little indulgence

I had you today, dark

Oh babeh 🍫

 

 

Happy

First off: I would like to thank my followers for being so patient with my lack of productivity on this account. 🙂

And onward to this post..

emotions are temporary. even my sadness and negative emotions Do go away. so today, today is about happy.

I am happy when I choose to be happy.

Personally, I think emotions and perspectives are one of the things people CAN control, if they really put their mind to it. Believing in a greater power or not, does not really affect emotions; temporal ones, that is. STAYING happy and contented though, that’s an entirely different matter.

So, I’m gonna be happy-er instead of picking worrying over the choice of happiness. As the Bible also says, can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (Matt 6:27).

Happy,
Happy,
Me.

The Pied Piper calls

A page from her book:
I think, as much as I’m not ready to go on without you, and I know I will miss you a ton; but not as much as I miss Jesus now, I will have to decide soon. He calls me, the calls never end and I don’t want them to; I cannot unhear His call, I yearn to be holy to pursue Him and as Paul says in Phil 3:14 “straining forward, upward” (paraphrased)

In the past, our lives had always been parallel…our paths not crossing and sadly, after this brief meeting point, I don’t know if we will cross paths in this way again. Maybe? I really have no idea.

I learnt that when you leave someone it’s because you don’t love them or you decided to stop loving them. And I know the reason why Jesus still loves me/us is because He has promised to “never leave us, nor forsake us”. I’m brave enough to say that I want to love God more than love you. And because deciding to stop loving means I will leave.. let me tell you firmly: I cannot leave God, He calls me day and night. I know that I will die spiritually without Him, and my soul will cry bloody tears if that happens. Literally bloody tears.

And I’ve decided deep down to stop loving you. Because I only want to love the light and do things in the light, I cannot hide in the darkness when He has changed my life. He has changed it bottom to top, top to bottom. I desire Him so much it makes me sad when I compromise my decisions because of my love for you – to do the things which bind us to sin. I no longer have the yearn to live that life and I am ever grateful to Him who has saved me from that meaningless existence.

I don’t deny that you care deeply for me, and me likewise for you, but I care so much more for God and I want to please Him and get lost in Him.

If you ever want for US to be again, you’ll have to put God first in everything you have, you do, you say, you think, you Are– to get lost in Him too; and that’s where you’ll find me too. (Cheesy line)

I’m sorry but as much as I know that this will hurt you, it will hurt us more if I leave us be even longer.

I don’t claim to know every part of your life but I know that for the parts I’ve seen.. I know, that it’s dark there, and although you know about God; you do not know Him. It makes me afraid, afraid you will never know Him and that you will not be seeking to please Him with both your small and big decisions.

I cannot be part of that darkness anymore.

You see, when I was in that dark room, that place only Felt like it was my freedom when in actual fact I was always in chains.
That place was a place I grew up in and there were many hidden holes; and within some, I still hear the screams and tears of dark memories.
It is absent of my yearn of Him, intentionally I kept myself in that darkness.

I don’t want that anymore, a child of the light cannot. We just cannot, I know my brothers and sisters will agree with me that when we have stepped into the light and made a commitment to continue down this path, we cannot turn back; not because we are robots without a will, but, rather we have chosen His will as our own.

So that’s that.

Photo credit : webneel