the saga continues.
After my who and why was broken, the whispers started to tear down my existence.
”why are you even alive, why are you even here, you are a disgrace, you don’t deserve to live, just kill yourself, just end your life, its better for your parents anyway”
Some days i believed it, some days I told myself to not buy into it. I had bought into everything else and I began to be afraid that I would buy into this too. My thoughts had taken a sinister turn. A direction, I never knew would come.
Life was not supposed to be this way..when did it all go wrong. I began to despair.
Just a matter of time – the lies almost seemed to sneer at me – before you believe in them AND act on them.
I feared this each day; i wanted to shut those thoughts up, but every time i made a mistake at work; it was a see? i told you so, you are a disgrace. Just kill yourself. You can end it easily, just walk in front of the cars, just go to the roof and jump, just drive into another car, just do it; it’ll be over before you know it.
I had these thoughts everywhere. At work. At home. While my mom was laughing, they would occupy me and things like, you don’t deserve to be happy would pop into my head. In Church, I was alone a lot and I had so many opportunities. I once went out during worship to cry because the thoughts were too loud. I wanted to go to the roof of the big building to kill myself then and there and it took all of me to restrain myself.
DESPERATION, AND IT BECAME
PANIC, AND IT BECAME
MADNESS, AND FINALLY
I was at the edge of madness. I was living and yet, I was dead. Meaninglessness entered my thoughts and I began to wonder what the point of living was. I had bought into the final lies.
I did things for the sake of doing them. A ticking box exercise. I laughed because it was required, I talked because being silent was weird, I ate because it was there, I’d go out with my friends because it was an escape. Life was bleak.
It was August 2017 and my life was not mine anymore. I was all made up lies and acting. I didn’t even tell my then boyfriend. Well, I didn’t really trust him anymore anyway. (It was back when the girl confessed and he didn’t turn her down) And that added to everything, ”you can’t even have a relationship/ you’re a failure/ see, he wants to be with someone else”. He later on explained why etc (it’s in another post i think).
The silence came swiftly, even more swiftly than I had expected. It was a heavy silence, a resignation. I had accepted that I was going to commit suicide, and I experienced calmness with my decision. A fake yet serene calmness that; yes, this was what I was going to do. All the thoughts would finally end, all the guilt, the blame, the disappointment in myself. Everything would end.
I would say that back then, I wanted to tell someone so badly. People who want to commit suicide need help, not just attention. We don’t do it to get attention, we do it because we are desperate. We’ve tried everything else, or so we think, and nothing was working. And this was the solution. I wanted to tell, but, I didn’t know how to start. It was complicated, i was messed up, and I didn’t see how anyone would want to deal with my shit. I was MY shit. And there was that independent thing.
Well, I obviously didn’t succeed since I’m right here writing this. But I did something one night, which scared me badly. I thought that since I had decided to take my life, I would be the one to decide when too. But, I didn’t take into consideration that I was also very drained mentally, emotionally and physically. And I was also very used to listening to the whispers.
One night, while driving, my body did something that I had not decided to do. As crazy as it sounds, this is true: The whispers had decided to do it and my body obeyed. I was no longer in control, literally and that scared me. I knew that I was a danger to myself and that I wouldn’t even know when I would go. I mean, I wanted to go, but, I wanted to also be the one to decide when.
The lies had told me to do something, and my body obeyed even if I didn’t agree or want to do it.
It scared me so much that when I came home that night, I was shaking and close to tears. I HAD NEVER experienced that before. If someone talked to me about possession, I think I will somewhat understand them now. I think people have a dramatic and skewed view of possession – that you have to sound different or that you have to do crazy unheard-of things.
You don’t have to, I think. I think it’s just that when someone gives up of the truth and gives into the lies, it then makes us susceptible to our minds being overtaken and then our bodies. Just like how i experienced it, it led to my body being taken control of too, in a way.
I wanted to be able to say goodbye to my loved ones and I had also known how I would go. I wrote a suicide letter, I planned it all. But, at the same time, it didn’t seem real to me; that this was the path I decided on, it was like i was in a dream, or a stupor. It was real and yet it wasn’t.
But when that happened that night, it shook me out of my reverie, and I realised it was all real. That my decision was real, and I grieved that I had come to that conclusion. In my post shock, I remembered what it was to have life and my aliveness grieved that I wanted to die.
That night I made a surprising decision because I realised I was scared to die, without knowing when I would. Funnily enough, that is humanity’s existing reality, with or without suicide.
And I decided to.. (to be continued)
I was coming back from V’s farewell get-together as she was leaving for Ireland…driving on a pretty dark road. It was almost midnight and there were other cars on the road, most driving past the speed limit. I too, wanted to get home quickly but the dude in front of me was so slow, so I wanted to cut him.
Some things happened during the party which made me emotional and to be honest I was also thinking of jumping off V’s apartment roof while I was going up the lift, en route to the party. It would have been all too easy.
And yet…there I was on the way home, and hadn’t done that because I had decided, not yet, not now. The car in front of me was so slow but I could not cut out because there were oncoming cars, very fast ones at that. Suddenly, the lies just shouted to me to CUT RIGHT, CUT OUT NOW AND END YOUR LIFE, there was an oncoming truck and my hands gripped my wheel and without signalling, my hands swerved my car right to cut out. Something I had not decided to do. But, my body did it! In that split second, I called out in my heart, ”oh someone! Help! I’m gonna die!” And just as suddenly as I swerved out, my body; nay, my hands swerved my car back in. Neither of the actions were my own because I was too frozen to swerve back in when I saw the headlights of the oncoming truck. I can still see the white-ish head lights of that truck shining in the rear view mirror of my mind’s eye right this second. It was so close. As soon as i swerved back in, that car rushed past. If I had been a split second too late, i would probably not be here, because my car is a very old and small Hyundai and that was like a truck with grills on the front of the bumper. Or, at the very least, I would have been hospitalised.
I really thank God for taking my wheel and saving my life, because those actions were not me. The devil was the cause of my body acting in that way and God had intervened. Actually, God was always there while I was facing this, but, I never called out to Him, and the moment I did, He saved me.
I wouldn’t have been able to do anything that day without Him. I wouldn’t be here without Him. And where our strength fails, and sometimes, even before it reaches the point where my strength fails, He is still my strength.
I want to be independent of all other things but God.
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You