Protected: explicit

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


Neither jealous or protective! + more..

So, if you don’t already know or didn’t read my posts with the tag ❤ interest, then let me just say again: I suck at understanding guys.
I’m with this guy and he says he’s not the jealous type but that doesn’t mean he has never gotten jealous. He has, but I’ve never seen it. Yea, I kinda wanna see it, because it makes me feel he has something to protect. Right now, I just feel like he doesn’t really care if other guys treat me better or not.
I get that this is a good thing because jealousy is related to insecurity. But then, I have never seen him get protective either. (Or maybe it’s cause idk what it looks like when he is protective) It seems so so obvious to me when I watch Korean drama but I’m hopeless when it comes to myself. Honest.
So this naturally brings my female overactive mind to wonder if he even loves (he says it out loud often) me at all since he isn’t even protective of our relationship. -_- But boy, sometimes he can do some weird uncharacteristic things.
I’m not used to PDA..even hugging in public will prolly make me go red. And I think that hand holding is pretty much enough for PDA. But I noticed some thing he does is he feeds me his food in public. Like, even if it’s just water, he’ll ask me if I want some or sometimes he just gives it to me straightaway. I mean, I’m talking hereeee. I usually act pretty cool and just accept it tho.
The other day we were at a party and he laughed really loud at something which was not even that funny, 😐 i notice guys do this a lot. Whyyyy? He was irritatingly cute tho. 😏🙃
Lately though, when I read the Bible about Biblical love, it makes so much sense but it’s also very unlike kdramas and how they perpetuate love to be like.
I’ll post a separate article on this Biblical love because it’s too long and it’s talking about an entirely different thread of thought. I really need to be more aware and intentional in what I see and interpret as being loving and what love is which will help me so much in seeing properly if he loves me or not, and what the consequences of that are and whether that affects our relationship so far as it might actually be too soon for love. I think the discovery of any or all of the above will be a good thing for us. 
Another thing he does is during Bible meets, he will raise his eyebrows and make 😚 faces and mouth I labb you. It’s so endearing when he does that. I find it so embarrassing though sometimes I ignore it, yes, confession. Sorry to all the guys out there if you’re offended with us girls ignoring you when you do these things in a group.. Sometimes it’s so difficult to reply esp when everyone else is there ._.
And he also just taps me with raised eyebrows and a nod of his head as though asking me, “what’s up?” When I’m deep in conversation with another one of my mates while he’s talking to another mate. But he doesn’t do it when HE’S talking to a girl. He just passes me by. . . You feel that wind?? Pretty chilly ay?
So based on all my observations, I’ve come to the conclusion that he only does things when he himself is bored not because it’s because of me. 😐 His actions towards me is only because of how he feels about himself-if he’s with a guy, and I’m with another guy.. he’ll just tap me on my shoulder. If he’s with a girl, and I’m with a guy, he’s dandy. Like he said, he doesn’t get those two emotions. Well, it’s okay, that means he trusts me a lot.

But one setback on this though is I end up feeling like I can’t comment on times when I feel he is acting inappropriately with another girl, for e.g. he once commented, “Wow, Hannah just wow” when this girl wore a top which accentuated her boobs. I say inappropriately; not that she’s not attractive, I thought the top was cute too but inappropriately in not respecting me as his gf. Did he even stop to think how I would feel and how other people view me when he comments about another girl in front of me like that. -I’m still hurt about it :(-

So I can’t comment on his actions or words and he knows it. He told me before that he doesn’t hold me back from complimenting guys so he will compliment girls if they’re hot. I don’t compliment guys though. I feel it’ll come off as flirty and what would I flirt when I already have a boyfriend. I’m not that type of girl who goes around doing that, if another girl does it ..I won’t judge her. But, I just don’t have it in me, you know?

Sigh. I know I deviated but I’m kinda down about it. We talked about it and he asked me if I wanted him to stop complimenting girls, and I said no because it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask him that. 

On my side of him trusting me a lot, is it correct to say he trusts me too much? Because hey, I’m human too and because he doesn’t do anything -protecting or wtv you wanna term it- I know I have my own principles about my own conduct as someone in a relationship so I don’t need to rely on my bf to define it for me. My conduct just seems way more free than my girl friends’ ones. 

Some girls may see it as “lucky you” but I don’t really see it as so. Sigh. I was talking to a friend of mine, a guy and we were alone in my car at night, and it was quite late and my car is small and I could feel this tension between us during some silences. I’m not even attracted to him in that way, but because we’re opposite sexes, it was night time, enclosed and tight space and moments of silence and I was telling him something really private and relating it to him. I just don’t want my bf and I to be in those situations with other people and only then think of the safeguards post-situation because it might be too late then, you know what I mean? He says he trusts me, and I him, but here’s where the “too much” comes in, we haven’t actually put out limiting parameters on what can/ cannot be done with members of the opposite sex so much that that situation in the car almost became something else. It would have been all too easy for me to do something or even my friend to do something because I sense that he may like me; but if there are limitations  for my bf and i so it does not even lead there to those situations, then it helps us both, to stay committed to each other. Becoming committed to someone isn’t difficult, staying that way is. And the difficulty I’ve been facing is exactly this, where do we draw the lines? There are so so many situations out there. 

I see you everywhere

The girl who likes my man, I see you in everyone, in the posts of love, of a crush wasting by, I see you in that too,
I see your poems about his smiles, his playful attitude
and how your feelings are in vain, it makes me understand your pain, but it makes me doubt our friendship too,
keep your friends close and enemies closer still, it couldn’t be more true,
but seeing you like this makes me think of what-ifs, I see you in all those scenarios too.
You asked him out on a movie date, I have to admire your gall, you pleaded innocent with your I really didn’t know,
i asked him not to be harsh in rejecting you, but to let you down nicely, cause that’s how I’d want to be treated too,
but woe is me, I can’t say anything now.. though, this is how i feel; it’d make me look a fool.


So uncertain was I as to the meaning of this word that I had to Google it up. My initial definition that I came up with; only by breaking it up in syllables was, “hmm, does it mean a person who lies outside?” (laugh with me gais or at me..)

Its real definition though – a person or thing situated away or detached from the main body or system.

The first person who came to mind of an e.g of this definition is my boyfriend. His way of thinking is so unlike any other person. That’s where detached from system came into play.

We were talking about sexual harassment vs offensive speech and whether the former causes the right of freedom of speech to diminish. The arguments he came up with sounded so cold and as though he were advocating for sexual harassment and offensive speech when several people including myself argued against it (on a public social media platform).

We talked about it in private later on and he said that he hated that he sounded cold & as though he was for it,

“I know that i sound like it and i hate that i do.. but i have to say things ppl wont like to get the point across 😭)”

But to me, it’s more of why would you even do that when people may misunderstand what you’re advocating for and that’s not a position I would want people to misunderstand me on, yunno??

And he does this again and again for other really controversial topics. So, to me he’s an outlier haha BTA I find lawyers to be outliers too because they’re so objective. Like him.

Hmm, so the system is not an external one, just my system on socially acceptable norms, so I guess they’re not outliers after all. HAHA.

Much ado about nonsense. I tried this prompt thingie! 😶 Gotta sleep, goodnight y’all’s.

P/S I understand why he does it; for discussion and to push people to see things they would not want to see if they had a choice, to turn it over on their tongue and taste it’s bitterness. It forces them to think deeper, makes them see it by asking the uncomfortable questions. Tasted disgusting things today but yea, bitterness can be beneficial too. 

a href=””>Outlier


Another milestone in my life completed, the door is closed behind me and as I stare at this door; this cherry red door with the words ‘UNIVERSITY SECTION’ printed above its door frame, I see in my mind’s eye all of my memories here. 

Its done now, a calm voice says as though urging me to move. I turn around slowly; took me a month to shift my eyes from everything UNIVERSITY related really, and put my hand on the first rung of the ladder which appears into thin air right in front of me. A stool appears beneath my feet and elevates me so I can place my foot onto the grey ladder. As soon as both feet are on the ladder, the stool disappears: No turning back now.

Grey is uncertainty and I cannot wait for the ladder to turn a more definitive colour as I explore this ‘SECTION’ and find out my likes and dislikes here, whether i can live through the dislikes, whether i will grow, and the most important of all –whether it will challenge me. I know the grey-ness is just waiting to change its tone, it’s calling out to me and I feel my fingers stretching out to pick up the invitation.

I haven’t picked up that invitation yet, it is within reach; just an email away to the founding partner, my interviewer, of a consulting firm I applied to.

On the morrow, I will touch that envelope. It is rough and scentless now, but I hope it will become silky and fragrant to me in time. Hope.


Sleep Paralysis pt. 3

Having had experience in about a month’s worth of SP, I’ve had a wide range of experiences:

Feeling of floating out of body, don’t remember if i really did :3

Strangers touching me

Strangers talking about whether they should kill me



Absolutely monstrous voices demanding i renounce JESUS as Lord and Saviour

Same voices which start out as lovely and kind but turn scary when i refuse to renounce



I’ve had a lot of experiences..the last two are prolly reasons why people tend to relate this to a spiritual related attack of some kind. But yeah, they can be explained by science too.

Ultimately, the way I escaped this nightmare was praying and calling on GOD when those voices demanded me to renounce Jesus. And those times, my body somehow managed to jump out of REM and i could move my finger and head which broke the REM hold on my body; somehow. According to science, it’s rarely possible. Because following science and logic, the body has different stages of sleep which should go according to sequence. To jump backwards is unnatural, to say the least.
Anyhow, thank you God 🙂

Sleep Paralysis Pt. 2

It was bad, I can’t quite explain how bad. I was beyond scared, I was terrified to sleep, to not be able to move and sometimes feel something pressing on my whole body.

It all started with me staying up late to do something, I cannot even remember what it was–prolly watching korean drama and catching up on some episode.Something useless and pointless, but yeah.

I started to sleep late, wake up late and the cycle started. And then, that first night. The first time it happened, like all nights thereafter..I was fully alert, my mind was still conscious but my body had gone into REM sleep; meaning no motor functions, I could not move my legs my nose! nay, not even a finger twitched. I remember desperately wanting to move even a single muscle. I COULD NOT. It scared me so bad, I thought I had a stroke and was paralysed-It was bad.

 I started to feel suffocation while panic was rising in my chest and my mind raced, ‘Why can’t i move?? what’s happening??!!!!! 

And then i blacked out. I learnt later it was just my mind falling asleep too, finally. It felt like my mind was active for an eternity, but it was probably only 5 minutes at the most.

The scariest thing about being in that state is, for myself at least, being able to hear everything so so clearly, the fan, the cats in the neighbour’s yard, the cars driving along the road behind our house. It was so clear and yet, I could not move. My body had fallen asleep, and straight into REM at that.
Imagine while you’re in that state and a burglar comes in, and discusses with his fellow how to dispose of you and your family members. That was one of the horrible scenarios running in my mind those times and with enough experience of SP, you KNOW that the next state for your mind is REM, you cannot even jump back into consciousness to scare the burglars. You are lying there like a sitting duck, unable to do anything but knowing what is going to happen to you and everyone you love. A bit dramatic, but i am miss worst case scenario 😉 
I’ve tried crying myself out of that state. It does not work. All i get is: I wake up in the morning feeling like i cried in a dream. Except it wasn’t in a dream, not really, more like an awake dream ;(