Reflection – whispers of yesteryear • three สาม

the saga continues.


After my who and why was broken, the whispers started to tear down my existence.

”why are you even alive, why are you even here, you are a disgrace, you don’t deserve to live, just kill yourself, just end your life, its better for your parents anyway”

Some days i believed it, some days I told myself to not buy into it. I had bought into everything else and I began to be afraid that I would buy into this too. My thoughts had taken a sinister turn. A direction, I never knew would come.

Life was not supposed to be this way..when did it all go wrong. I began to despair.

Just a matter of time – the lies almost seemed to sneer at me – before you believe in them AND act on them.

I feared this each day; i wanted to shut those thoughts up, but every time i made a mistake at work; it was a see? i told you so, you are a disgrace. Just kill yourself. You can end it easily, just walk in front of the cars, just go to the roof and jump, just drive into another car, just do it; it’ll be over before you know it.

I had these thoughts everywhere. At work. At home. While my mom was laughing, they would occupy me and things like, you don’t deserve to be happy would pop into my head. In Church, I was alone a lot and I had so many opportunities. I once went out during worship to cry because the thoughts were too loud. I wanted to go to the roof of the big building to kill myself then and there and it took all of me to restrain myself.

FEAR BECAME
DESPERATION, AND IT BECAME
PANIC, AND IT BECAME
MADNESS, AND FINALLY
SILENCE.

I was at the edge of madness. I was living and yet, I was dead. Meaninglessness entered my thoughts and I began to wonder what the point of living was. I had bought into the final lies.

I did things for the sake of doing them. A ticking box exercise. I laughed because it was required, I talked because being silent was weird, I ate because it was there, I’d go out with my friends because it was an escape. Life was bleak.

It was August 2017 and my life was not mine anymore. I was all made up lies and acting. I didn’t even tell my then boyfriend. Well, I didn’t really trust him anymore anyway. (It was back when the girl confessed and he didn’t turn her down) And that added to everything, ”you can’t even have a relationship/ you’re a failure/ see, he wants to be with someone else”. He later on explained why etc (it’s in another post i think).

The silence came swiftly, even more swiftly than I had expected. It was a heavy silence, a resignation. I had accepted that I was going to commit suicide, and I experienced calmness with my decision. A fake yet serene calmness that; yes, this was what I was going to do. All the thoughts would finally end, all the guilt, the blame, the disappointment in myself. Everything would end. 

I would say that back then, I wanted to tell someone so badly. People who want to commit suicide need help, not just attention. We don’t do it to get attention, we do it because we are desperate. We’ve tried everything else, or so we think, and nothing was working. And this was the solution. I wanted to tell, but, I didn’t know how to start. It was complicated, i was messed up, and I didn’t see how anyone would want to deal with my shit. I was MY shit. And there was that independent thing.

SIGH.

Well, I obviously didn’t succeed since I’m right here writing this. But I did something one night, which scared me badly. I thought that since I had decided to take my life, I would be the one to decide when too. But, I didn’t take into consideration that I was also very drained mentally, emotionally and physically. And I was also very used to listening to the whispers.

One night, while driving, my body did something that I had not decided to do. As crazy as it sounds, this is true: The whispers had decided to do it and my body obeyed. I was no longer in control, literally and that scared me. I knew that I was a danger to myself and that I wouldn’t even know when I would go. I mean, I wanted to go, but, I wanted to also be the one to decide when.

The lies had told me to do something, and my body obeyed even if I didn’t agree or want to do it.

It scared me so much that when I came home that night, I was shaking and close to tears. I HAD NEVER experienced that before. If someone talked to me about possession, I think I will somewhat understand them now. I think people have a dramatic and skewed view of possession – that you have to sound different or that you have to do crazy unheard-of things.

You don’t have to, I think. I think it’s just that when someone gives up of the truth and gives into the lies, it then makes us susceptible to our minds being overtaken and then our bodies. Just like how i experienced it, it led to my body being taken control of too, in a way.

I wanted to be able to say goodbye to my loved ones and I had also known how I would go. I wrote a suicide letter, I planned it all. But, at the same time, it didn’t seem real to me; that this was the path I decided on, it was like i was in a dream, or a stupor. It was real and yet it wasn’t.

But when that happened that night, it shook me out of my reverie, and I realised it was all real. That my decision was real, and I grieved that I had come to that conclusion. In my post shock, I remembered what it was to have life and my aliveness grieved that I wanted to die.

That night I made a surprising decision because I realised I was scared to die, without knowing when I would. Funnily enough, that is humanity’s existing reality, with or without suicide.

And I decided to.. (to be continued)

Pc: kathomiwenda


I was coming back from V’s farewell get-together as she was leaving for Ireland…driving on a pretty dark road. It was almost midnight and there were other cars on the road, most driving past the speed limit. I too, wanted to get home quickly but the dude in front of me was so slow, so I wanted to cut him.

Some things happened during the party which made me emotional and to be honest I was also thinking of jumping off V’s apartment roof while I was going up the lift, en route to the party. It would have been all too easy.

And yet…there I was on the way home, and hadn’t done that because I had decided, not yet, not now. The car in front of me was so slow but I could not cut out because there were oncoming cars, very fast ones at that. Suddenly, the lies just shouted to me to CUT RIGHT, CUT OUT NOW AND END YOUR LIFE, there was an oncoming truck and my hands gripped my wheel and without signalling, my hands swerved my car right to cut out. Something had not decided to do. But, my body did it! In that split second, I called out in my heart, ”oh someone! Help! I’m gonna die!” And just as suddenly as I swerved out, my body; nay, my hands swerved my car back in. Neither of the actions were my own because I was too frozen to swerve back in when I saw the headlights of the oncoming truck. I can still see the white-ish head lights of that truck shining in the rear view mirror of my mind’s eye right this second. It was so close. As soon as i swerved back in, that car rushed past. If I had been a split second too late, i would probably not be here, because my car is a very old and small Hyundai and that was like a truck with grills on the front of the bumper. Or, at the very least, I would have been hospitalised.

I really thank God for taking my wheel and saving my life, because those actions were not me. The devil was the cause of my body acting in that way and God had intervened. Actually, God was always there while I was facing this, but, I never called out to Him, and the moment I did, He saved me.

I wouldn’t have been able to do anything that day without Him. I wouldn’t be here without Him. And where our strength fails, and sometimes, even before it reaches the point where my strength fails, He is still my strength.

I want to be independent of all other things but God. 

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

 

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Reflection – whispers of yesteryear • two สอง

Continuation of my almost bad-ending story, from right before the reflection section.

Long into my little hours of sleep and believing the whispers, I began to believe in the louder whispers. Like I said, they started small but then, they started to grow.

Why do you even bother to work if you’re not good at it/ guess you can’t do it after all/ you might as well not aspire to be anything since your dream isn’t working out/ etc.

They first attacked who I was – of not being enough. And now, they were questioning the basis of my being – why try, why believe in yourself? kind of direction. These lies were smart; again personifying them, but it’s true.

I began breaking down my whole belief system of who I am and what made me, me. And after the pieces had fallen, I wasn’t me anymore. But i believed myself to be a nobody and not worth anything; and on hindsight, that is exactly how the lies wanted me to feel, worthless. If you resonate with this, well, you know now that you’re not alone. Even if no one actually talks about these things, it happens.

Physically I was too weak to deny the louder lies.. I was having lack of sleep which really, only allowed me to perform at work but rendered me too tired to deal with the mental side of me. The mental side which made me feel like I was going crazy because everything didn’t make sense anymore. I wasn’t me anymore, inside and outside.

When I was stressed I started to treat the people around me badly, being rude and abrupt and because of my insecurity of doing badly at work, I began to insult my best friend whom I thought so highly of and put her down; just to make myself feel better. I was a shittier person than I had ever been. And I felt bad about all these things but at that time, I just thought of myself and wanting to survive this mess in my head of feeling worthless by making other people feel the same way and hopefully neutralising my own feelings. Anyone else who has done this probably knows that doing these things only make you feel worse as a person and the momentary restored security is just in-the-moment.

My bestie, V, called me out on changing. And we talked about everything and she forgave me. But she was the first person who pointed out that I was changing and that it was due to work and I was beginning to become poisonous to the people around me. She knew, and she still loved me.

You may have started to lash out to people around you whom you know will take your shit. And just know that it isn’t you and just because you’re going through this, doesn’t give you a justification – it still is not right.

Life was bleak and darker than usual, and it got that way because I let it. I wanted for everything to be okay but who was I kidding. I also believed that it would be hard for things to go back to the way they were. At least, the lies made it seem like it would be.

I had long left the old me behind, the me who believed that I could become anything if I kept trying and working hard. But, it wasn’t happening and it crushed me.

And I was still getting bullied at work. Sigh. I couldn’t deal.

Reflection as per previous post, read ⬇️of above⬆️..

The lies knew what I believed in, from my actions to my defense to everything. Of course this was all in my head, but as ironic as it sounds, just because it’s all only in your head doesn’t make it less real. A lot of the real conversations I have actually go on in my head, the honest and blunt ones; but maybe I’m just being an introvert. Anyway. I now know that those lies are the devil himself.

Because lies are from the devil and truth is from God.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that the devil doesn’t know what we think and believe. He knows what we think about, our deepest darkest secrets, well, because some are from him. And he can see what we believe in from how we act, he even knows the extent of our Christ-likeness. He won’t judge but he’ll encourage self criticism because he too knows Scripture.

If your weak point is feeling guilty over sins, that is where he will attack. Or, if your weak point is not showing in our actions how Christ-like we are, that is where he will start to say its-okay-if-you-don’t-do-this. That being said, and as scary as it sounds, we need to realise that we are not fighting against the physical things here on Earth, but the powers and principalities of the world. The prince of the world is the devil after all.

He knew where to attack me. I have always fought against this “enough” thing. Smart, pretty, thin, good, etc. From adolescence, I always had this line of thinking that I wouldn’t ever measure up. Who was setting the standard, I really don’t know and plus, some of it weren’t even realistic.

I think knowing where you are weak helps, it helps you to be more aware of what is going on and identifying the problem. I have always been stronger mentally – being able to withstand things just because I told myself I can. But when you are physically drained, even your once strong mental state takes a hit.

I should have asked others for help but I was resolute on being independent. Or at least, my messed up idea of Independence that the lies told me I needed to maintain. Like, maintaining secrecy was being independent. Everyone knows the saying, ”the truth will set you free”. But here I was lying to myself that I was okay and lying to my parents that work was OKAY.

If you need help, ask for it. Your family and friends can’t read your mind as much as you expect them to.


Life is probably never going to go the way you grew up thinking it would, and you just learn to deal with it when it comes. Its not perfect and life will never be perfect. But that doesn’t mean you throw your hands up in the air and give up. I’ve never stopped fighting against these lies and you shouldn’t either.

Keep climbing over the mountains, you’re meant to climb over them and sometimes even crawl, if that’s all you can muster. ❤

Reflection – whispers of yesteryear • one หนึ่ง

2017 timeline

Jan – March • Lazying around
April – Sept • Audit hell, End Aug • Break-up
Oct • Breather
Nov-Nov’18 (planned) • Work


In audit, I was happy for awhile, but it all started going downhill the first time those whispers came.

Atfirst, I didn’t believe in them, and it almost seemed as though they knew. As though the lies KNEW; as crazy as it sounds, to personify it. But it was as though the power those lies didn’t have over me was because I didn’t even believe in them at first.

And the moment I did, everything changed – but I stupidly didn’t realise it. Didn’t realise I had opened a door to them, allowing them to haunt me. Because I had accepted them as truth and so the consequences of acceptance was that I was affected by it’s poison. Night and day, day and night. For a long time, too long.

It started small, like I said. It was always the smaller things like – not being good enough, smart enough, not trying hard enough, etc.

But the struggle against the lies was the mere fact that I did try, really hard too.

So hard that it was changing me. I would sleep at 2am and wake up at 6am just to work.. or sleep at 4am and wake up at 7am. In that stressful time it was 3 or 4 hours in a day, for weeks. Some nights, I would even be dreaming of work, nightmares. Not getting enough rest and being stressed all the time changed me.

On top of that, coming home and crying almost everyday because I was too lost at work. At that time, I was also being bullied by a senior. She openly criticised me in the Group Chat with other seniors within. I had already known that I was struggling with work, it was something I knew myself and she didn’t have to bring it up, but she did. Scolding me in front of other people.

I beat myself up over work not going well, and I would cry. And then when my senior insulted me I cried harder, knowing that she was right. But at the same time, I unable to fix it, as I hadn’t adjusted to work yet. It was a nightmare.. a living, breathing one.

And everyday I would smile and pretend that I was okay and I didn’t know how to say I was NOT okay, because it seemed unprofessional.

I didn’t want to let people down.

On hindsight, I really should have expressed it because that would have relieved my stress and my lonesome burden. And that I had “imagined” expectations of how people expected me to be.

But all my loved ones wanted was for me to be okay, but I never told anyone what was happening at work and in my head.

The whispers told me people would judge me and wouldn’t understand and that I HAD to deal with it alone, cause I had to be independent. And that people wouldn’t want to know anyway.

 

Mine almost ended badly, but that’s for another day. I’ll stop here for now and please read the reflection below of the first section above. It’s gold, believe me.

 

Those whispers were lying. My loved ones, some friends even, wanted to know and they cared so much and they were so shocked I was going through these things. And I think back now that I should just tell people about my struggles when I do have them. And everyone has struggles, and it was okay to have them.

 

If you’re reading this and you have struggles, tell someone. We’re not superhuman, sometimes we just don’t know how to deal with our problems and emotions and mental thoughts and that’s okay. We don’t have to know all the answers to our life problems now. But we sure can lend each other a shoulder and understanding, and we can so so open up to our friends, if we’re afraid of letting our family down. Like I was.

Just tell someone and listen to them rave about what a good job you’re doing, and Let them care for you. I know it’s hard to depend on people, but we’re allowed to and more than that – we Need to depend on people sometimes. We need to.. our world is messed up and so are we.

I care for you dearest, dearest reader and please don’t end up like me. But reach out now while the whispers are just still whispering. Help is something everyone can ask for. It’s not wrong and it’s not weak.

Reflection

Fear became
Desperation, and it became
Panic, and it became
Madness, and finally
Silence.

I knew I was a goner when everything became silent. I smiled on the outside, but inside I had died. Life was a joke, everything seemed meaningless and everyday was no longer a struggle. All I wanted to do was; for the silence to un-silence. But, the darkness had overwhelmed me and I knew then, that I was gone.

.

.

.

.

To be continued.


A rewind post in reflection of 2017, one of the darkest periods of my life.

Forgiven series – Because HE first forgave

I will pick up straightaway where I left off..

B felt BETRAYED by me. I didn’t know that before the meeting; which meeting you ask?

A meeting, again, filled with other people. B personally attacked me; just like he personally attacked one of the G side people in the other meeting, the one I stood up for.

(These personal attacks have got to stop btw. Like seriously.)

People get hurt when people are attacked, I sure was. And for the longest time I didn’t even want to forgive him. He was wrong in doing that. I cried in front of like 15 people. Not because he was right in his attacks but it was a personal attack and it #triggered a memory within me. And I cried.

I bet he knew that I wouldn’t be able to continue asking him for accountability, which is what I asked him for before he attacked me.

Like any pastor, B has pastoral responsibilities and I was merely asking for accountability on those pastoral things.

Buthe got worked up and felt I was attacking him. Like, dude needs to calm down and differentiate between a personal question and a professional question.

He basically retorted to a professional question with a personal answer.

An answer so so so twisted.

This is an example of what I said:

Me: Pastor (for a specific age group), we expect you to let us know when you are not around on Sundays because you are supposed (normal pastorly things right??) to be around. At least just let us know. But we find that you are too often absent and we do not know why, you should be there on Sunday for this specific age group.
Pastor: I remember there was once I left my GF to talk to you. And to meet up with you and a third party.
Me: ????? (Cries because that third party is my ex who did smth so horrible I was crying when I called the pastor. And that memory was triggered hence I CRIED.)

Sigh, I really don’t get B’s answer because..

Firstly, I asked about SUNDAYS. He brought up some random day.

Secondly, I asked about that specific age group of which I am 7 years too old to be a part of. He brought it up as though I qualified as part of the group I was specifically asking about in the accountability question.

Thirdly, why bring up a personal thing of the person asking the question????

It’s like, if your co teacher for lab asks you, teacher, why didn’t you come to school for the past two days? And then the teacher replies with a, you’ve also been absent this month, I know cause I had to call you. Likeeee what just happened???

It was all in the guise that “you care for everyone” when really, I feel B only cares about winning arguments.

He sure won for his pride but from then on, he lost my respect, my loyalty (I even stood up for B when other people put out down even when I distanced myself), he lost every good sentiment I had left for him.

Everything.

Also, when I ranted on social media about what had really happened that he didn’t actually leave his GF for me; (He told everyone in that room that he left his GF to meet me and the other party.. which was another of his half truths) when I did that, some other person told me B wanted to bring me to Justice, whatever that means.

Justice isn’t decided based on personal opinions. It is what IS right, regardless of how you feel. And no matter what I didn’t even name my church or him. Only that I had cried in the meeting and proceeded to explain why. I was just defending myself because I was too shaken in the meeting to do so. And he wanted to bring me to Justice for that. I’m even willing to bet my favorite cap that he asked one of the B siders (my so-called friends) to screenshot and save my post so he could use it as evidence when he brought me to his Justice.

All this silly human walls of self-righteousness happening in church. Why do we have to be this way?? Fighting fire with fire. Don’t tell me I have to leave church too. Let me ask you now while I’m riled up Mr Ex, since you’re probably reading this- do you really believe everything B says about his experiences with me, with D, with J, with C; no filter? That we attacked him? If you are, be wiser. You weren’t there. You cannot just take it as it is, because it’s not fact to you. It’s merely hearsay. B presenting it with how he saw it. Everything he has told you about us G people, if you were not there, you have no right to draw a conclusion.

You have no right, in fact none of the B people have any right to call us names – childish, immature, insubordinate, etc just because B sees it that way. B says he doesn’t feel, but boy, he takes slight way too easily. At least I know I feel. He doesn’t. And he inadvertently attacks people PERSONALLY because he feels threatened.

Basically dear readers, way too much drama happening in CHURCH.

But God is good, so so good.

ANYWAY I really did not want to forgive him with all the stories he’s been making up and the thing that happened in the meeting.

But God reigned sovereign. God was the one who gave me strength, who gave me peace, who gave me comfort, who was my rock and my stillness in this stormy time.

So, I forgive you.


PC: acrookedpath.com

Part of a song comes to mind after this mental cleansing ^

Did you think we’d be fine?
Still got scars in my back from your knives
So don’t think it’s in the past
These kind of wounds they last and they last (meaning I will not trust B again, but I do forgive him)
Now, did you think it all through?
All these things will catch up to you
And time can heal, but this won’t (again about the trust)
So if you come in my way
Just don’t

I’d like to end with

Don’t push a nice person too far, even I have my limits and that is when you will know why people don’t.

Forgiven series – The reason why

So, just a summary of the first post. I was a B person. I had spied for the B’s side.. B honestly, truly believed that he was right in the way he went about things, he called it protecting his flock. If I remember correctly, he said something along the lines of he didn’t care how other people viewed him, as long as those G people were either out of church or agreed to sit still. I remember him saying he would be happy if they left.


Throughout the year, something began to grow within me – – the yearn for the truth and for understanding. (Why was there so much discord within our Sunday times) So, believing that by staying on B’s side I would be having colored lens – I intentionally distanced myself from B, to learn if these G group; the people I’d grown up with in church, really had bad intentions, were as bad as B painted them to be.

I just wanted to understand, I just wanted for the strife to stop and for us to love. Was that so wrong? It was God’s love, that he loves us all which began to move in me. In Mark 12:31 it says, The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Was what we B-ers doing Love? Bad-mouthing, creating outcasts, making them into jokes, etc. – – is this love? Doesn’t God tell us to turn the other cheek too?

The next time B insulted one of people on G’s side in front of people, I went to B’s room and reprimanded him on it. As a sinner to a sinner, not that I was a better person than B. Not that I was anything above B, but because what he did was wrong. Aren’t we allowed to do that? Or am I not allowed to call out a Pastor when he does something wrong? Just because he is a pastor.

But B saw that reprimand as me going to G group’s side. Just because I stood up for someone being unfairly and personally attacked in a meeting filled with other people.

I learnt only recently that B has been telling people on his side that I betrayed B by going to G’s side.

Subsequently, he did to me what he did to everyone else in G. Bad-mouthed, made me an outcast among the people I grew up with.. because they buy into his sentiments without actually knowing for themselves, they only know what B tells them. B once blinded me with his lies about G group. But during the period of being away and sincerely asking G group about everything.. I learnt that B had withheld some things,  I can only guess it was to give his stories a more dramatic flair to convince us of why group G is wrong; and that B is right and therefore it gave B and his minions a right to treat other people in that way. I don’t know about you reader, and B follower, but not telling the whole truth IS lying. There is no fence of “he wasn’t really”.

The lies theory used to be a theory. But I tested it recently, and sadly for B I have WhatsApp and minutes of meeting proof showing that he again, withheld the truth. And thankfully it wasn’t to me alone, but to a whole group of people.

B has twisted things to suit himself and his agendas time and again. A pastor.

I have posted this online for my ex to read, as he is the only one of the B group I told about regarding this account. Ex, you deserve to know the full truth from both sides, not just what B has been telling you. You are too afraid to ask me yourself, afraid you’ll get influenced too I suppose. For whatever the reason, I know that you will not talk face to face with me anytime soon for fear of making B feel more threatened.

This account remains anonymous to everyone else and please keep it that way ex. Please continue to let me trust you.

Forgiven series – A point in time.

*This has Evangelical content, you have been warned.

So, a ton of shitty things have been happening in my church. A ton of shitty shitty worldly things.. I won’t say I’m entirely clean from the dirt but he fought the dirtiest, a man whom I respected and looked up to at one point in time. No more, never again. I think I know how everyone felt when our pastor admitted to sexual sin not with his spouse, everyone felt – – BETRAYED. And I didn’t understand it then, but I do now, I understand the people and the pastor.


But in order to tell this story rightly – as I always insist on doing; after all, this is my space and I can write however loooooong a story I want if that is what it is, so, I will start from the beginning.

In the beginning, I was close to this man, this leader in church. Yes, a pastor.  Let’s call him B. Close by association.. because my ex was his mentee, therefore I was considered part of “his” people. Apparently there were sides in church, of which B insisted verbally that there was no such thing. (On hindsight, his actions spoke loudly about having a particular side, a particular group of people, a particular way of thinking, you get me?)

Initially, I was part of B’s side. And I knew it, I spied for him, I told him what the other side was planning, he didn’t specifically say, do this do that. But it was said through his expression of concern in the actions of the other group of people. Concern due to his misunderstanding of this other group of people. His misunderstanding which led to a bunch of us B siders hanging on to every word of B and being indoctrinated with – – not doctrine but, B’s personal opinions due to personal experiences with this other group of people, who, according to B were hostile, trying to make people leave church, etc. I didn’t personally experience these from this other group, let’s call them G. But because B did; he passed his sentiments on to us, his side, because we were part of his group.

It’s like, when your GF out of your group of GFs experience bad service at a clothing store and when she tells her gang about it, everyone in the group boycotts that shop JUST BECAUSE.

I am ashamed to admit it now, but we made people in G group feel like outsiders, outcasts. The room would go quiet when they entered the room, we didn’t include them in our Godly activities and for what–? Just so we would remain loyal to B; a mere person.

We forsook our fellow believers, we forsook accountability, love, gentleness and replaced it with prideful zeal “we are right, not them”, we believed they were beyond help, and so we left them out. Colour me ashamed.

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.” Matt 18:15

B was confrontational, all the time. He would point out their wrong in front of other people. The times I was there, I was uncomfortable but I ignored it because I believed we were right, it was self-righteousness. How wrong and sorry I am now.