GRADUATED

Another milestone in my life completed, the door is closed behind me and as I stare at this door; this cherry red door with the words ‘UNIVERSITY SECTION’ printed above its door frame, I see in my mind’s eye all of my memories here. 

Its done now, a calm voice says as though urging me to move. I turn around slowly; took me a month to shift my eyes from everything UNIVERSITY related really, and put my hand on the first rung of the ladder which appears into thin air right in front of me. A stool appears beneath my feet and elevates me so I can place my foot onto the grey ladder. As soon as both feet are on the ladder, the stool disappears: No turning back now.

Grey is uncertainty and I cannot wait for the ladder to turn a more definitive colour as I explore this ‘SECTION’ and find out my likes and dislikes here, whether i can live through the dislikes, whether i will grow, and the most important of all –whether it will challenge me. I know the grey-ness is just waiting to change its tone, it’s calling out to me and I feel my fingers stretching out to pick up the invitation.

I haven’t picked up that invitation yet, it is within reach; just an email away to the founding partner, my interviewer, of a consulting firm I applied to.


On the morrow, I will touch that envelope. It is rough and scentless now, but I hope it will become silky and fragrant to me in time. Hope.

 

Sleep Paralysis pt. 3

Having had experience in about a month’s worth of SP, I’ve had a wide range of experiences:

Feeling of floating out of body, don’t remember if i really did :3

Strangers touching me

Strangers talking about whether they should kill me

Suffocation

Shadows

Absolutely monstrous voices demanding i renounce JESUS as Lord and Saviour

Same voices which start out as lovely and kind but turn scary when i refuse to renounce

Threats

etc.

I’ve had a lot of experiences..the last two are prolly reasons why people tend to relate this to a spiritual related attack of some kind. But yeah, they can be explained by science too.


Ultimately, the way I escaped this nightmare was praying and calling on GOD when those voices demanded me to renounce Jesus. And those times, my body somehow managed to jump out of REM and i could move my finger and head which broke the REM hold on my body; somehow. According to science, it’s rarely possible. Because following science and logic, the body has different stages of sleep which should go according to sequence. To jump backwards is unnatural, to say the least.
Anyhow, thank you God 🙂

Sleep Paralysis Pt. 2

It was bad, I can’t quite explain how bad. I was beyond scared, I was terrified to sleep, to not be able to move and sometimes feel something pressing on my whole body.

It all started with me staying up late to do something, I cannot even remember what it was–prolly watching korean drama and catching up on some episode.Something useless and pointless, but yeah.

I started to sleep late, wake up late and the cycle started. And then, that first night. The first time it happened, like all nights thereafter..I was fully alert, my mind was still conscious but my body had gone into REM sleep; meaning no motor functions, I could not move my legs my nose! nay, not even a finger twitched. I remember desperately wanting to move even a single muscle. I COULD NOT. It scared me so bad, I thought I had a stroke and was paralysed-It was bad.

 I started to feel suffocation while panic was rising in my chest and my mind raced, ‘Why can’t i move?? what’s happening??!!!!! 

And then i blacked out. I learnt later it was just my mind falling asleep too, finally. It felt like my mind was active for an eternity, but it was probably only 5 minutes at the most.


The scariest thing about being in that state is, for myself at least, being able to hear everything so so clearly, the fan, the cats in the neighbour’s yard, the cars driving along the road behind our house. It was so clear and yet, I could not move. My body had fallen asleep, and straight into REM at that.
Imagine while you’re in that state and a burglar comes in, and discusses with his fellow how to dispose of you and your family members. That was one of the horrible scenarios running in my mind those times and with enough experience of SP, you KNOW that the next state for your mind is REM, you cannot even jump back into consciousness to scare the burglars. You are lying there like a sitting duck, unable to do anything but knowing what is going to happen to you and everyone you love. A bit dramatic, but i am miss worst case scenario 😉 
I’ve tried crying myself out of that state. It does not work. All i get is: I wake up in the morning feeling like i cried in a dream. Except it wasn’t in a dream, not really, more like an awake dream ;(

Sleep Paralysis Pt 1

I hallucinated for a month

Everyday for a month

It didn’t start out often, at least, not as a daily thing

But because of certain habits i adopted

This waking nightmare fell upon me

night turned to day, and well, vice versa

Too afraid to sleep

Knowing i’d experience those things again

Of the thick fog

Of the shadows that would weigh down on me

Of the voices near me, in my head, beside it

Of the touches-stroking my hair

Of what they would do, they could do

It still rings clearly in my head as though it were but last night

I shudder to think of those nights and early mornings

As i type this, i’m maintaining a monotonous-as-if-i-could-care mood
But i know, if i write it with too much emotion, it’d get to me
And so close to bedtime
it’d be bad…

I may sound cold and unfeeling but as coping mechanisms go, I’d rather do it this way than deal with unnecessary consequences, if any.

Video

Questions

tulip-photography-how-to-3
She asks me questions.. about him 

Every few weeks

It becomes more frequent when she sees him

Or when she sees other eligible guys

She hints at it

It sucks to know she disapproves

She means so much

I believe in it

in us

.

If you lack in one aspect to her, you just gotta be better in other things

If she thinks you're not serious, show her

If she says its not viable, we gotta do better!! 

A situation can always be changed, an opinion too

.

.

.

.

Even without mum as a catalyst,

we gotta
keep going, try harder. we need to.

The moment we get comfortable, is the moment we stop becoming better, stop trying harder.
(in all aspects)

PC: http://digitalphotobuzz.com/how-to-photograph-tulips

Why do I do this to myself?

There are so many things I want to say, but it seems like everything is jumbled out in my head and if I say it here and now; it will sound like an awkward mess and not quite how I want it to be told.

So, another time. A future day, wait for me dear reader.


I’ve probably said this before but I’ll say it again – ‘I believe i use this space as a stress relief outlet’- because it seems like I find myself often here when I become most stressed — today.

It’s 5 days before my ACCA exam (not another one :o) yes, another one, the final one in fact. I’m at the last hurdle, the last step, the last whatever-pleases-you-to-call-it before too long hours at an office at which I won’t have my own table to name. Funny, isn’t it? Why do I do this to myself?

The paper I will sit for had a 32% passing rate the last sitting #sept2016. Why do i do this to myself?

I am scared shitless because I’ve been interning and not focusing on my paper because I was too afraid I would be the only one to start work at an age other people would sneer at, and give me a funny look, “what took you so long to graduate!?” Why did I do this to myself?

When, in actual fact, most of the auditors at the firm are still taking their professional papers at ages older than I am now, with many many many more papers to go; and me at my final one, now.

Why did I think that of myself? Looking down on myself? Consumed with fear and other people’s opinions, me.

Don’t live like that, I tell my sister! And yet, I do. #hypocrite

A friend said to me recently:

It’s not as bad as you think it is. So keep it up, keep going, you!

I say to you too, this time with me living it, “it’s not as bad as you think it is :)”

That job, that exam, that recital, that review, that performance, that LIFE – yours… Its not as bad.

And you just have to believe in yourself, like how I am trying my best to. I call it keeping my head above the waves; mainly cause I can’t swim so I’m really afraid of the sea. But despite all that I am afraid of, I’ll keep moving and keep my head up. (And of course I have that thing you may not – God. My assurance, my rock.)

Before I leave, if you ask: then why didn’t you count on him in the first place? Well, sometimes, I’d forget and THINK I know better and just flail around the water and do it my way – I tend to do this.

I’m human, (it’s not an excuse, but this is my best explanation) and I’m so full of pride and self assurance that I can overcome these things alone. I am sorry  to God. As Christians we are supposed to fully rely on God. Fully. (Can you imagine how hard that is for a person like me, who solves her own problems and then only tells people about it way after it’s resolved. 😂)

But, almost always, I find I can’t overcome them alone. I can ignore them and wait until I’ve suppressed it too much and it bursts forth. But resolving it has always been done with God’s help.

And today, at times like these, I find myself reaching for God all the more. Processed with VSCO

Anyways. That’s all for tonight.

Waiting (a bit) too long, and its consequences.

o-long-lines-facebook

January. We dated. I dated around due to parental issues. You didn’t; you didn’t want to. But we talked about it, and you let me go out with other men.

 

February.

 

March.

 

April.

 

June. I started to have a crush on my friend. I didn’t know it, but you saw and knew how i felt regardless. You said, ‘we’ll see how it progresses.’ I didn’t know what you meant. 

 

July.

 

August.

 

September. My parents relented. We started dating exclusively.

 

October. We don’t go out much.  i’d like to though.   We’re both busy. You in your final semester of second year, me with my internship. (Yes, my dear readers, my special person is younger.)


Through it all though, and this is the part I get my thoughts out aka thinking of myself first.. I think waiting too long before dating exclusively has unintended consequences, of which one of it is us being accommodating of each other’s busyness. Too accommodating. Maybe its because we want to be depicted as patient people. But, we’re human, and i can be sure, we’re not patient people all the time. I know I’m not, sometimes i get impatient with you, but i suppress it. And for what? To remain nice.. sigh, its not a big thing. But its there. 

Also, I want some passion (maybe passion isn’t the right word..)  like the, ‘i won’t take your busyness as a reason to keep putting off our dates. Even 15 minutes of seeing each other is fine.’

Or even some romance. I really love romance. And its soo soo underrated. Also, its silly and i swear I’m not materialistic, but i like that you paid for that octopus. It showed me that you liking me wasn’t just words but you’re willing to spend money on me- even though we’re both students. Its silly, but it touched me.

I want someone to reassure me that its okay to want these things, to ask for these things, but i don’t want to burden him when he’s not earning. 

We can do some other things which doesn’t require dollars haha, just time. Nature related or cooking together or serving together or studying together. I’m happy with time too, for now. When he earns, he would know how to do those things..right? x) 

Also, idk if we are together or not. He said he wants to do the proper thing and take me out and ask me out officially and i stupidly said ‘its okay, you don’t need to cause we’re still studying’ (did i just emasculate him :o). But regardless, like R said, might as well call a spade, a spade. Wise guy. 🙂

p/s waiting too long was a fault on my side tho, cause i was the one who was not ready to take the plunge. so unwilling to deviate from my parents’ wishes.