Neither jealous or protective! + more..

So, if you don’t already know or didn’t read my posts with the tag ❤ interest, then let me just say again: I suck at understanding guys.
I’m with this guy and he says he’s not the jealous type but that doesn’t mean he has never gotten jealous. He has, but I’ve never seen it. Yea, I kinda wanna see it, because it makes me feel he has something to protect. Right now, I just feel like he doesn’t really care if other guys treat me better or not.
I get that this is a good thing because jealousy is related to insecurity. But then, I have never seen him get protective either. (Or maybe it’s cause idk what it looks like when he is protective) It seems so so obvious to me when I watch Korean drama but I’m hopeless when it comes to myself. Honest.
So this naturally brings my female overactive mind to wonder if he even loves (he says it out loud often) me at all since he isn’t even protective of our relationship. -_- But boy, sometimes he can do some weird uncharacteristic things.
I’m not used to PDA..even hugging in public will prolly make me go red. And I think that hand holding is pretty much enough for PDA. But I noticed some thing he does is he feeds me his food in public. Like, even if it’s just water, he’ll ask me if I want some or sometimes he just gives it to me straightaway. I mean, I’m talking hereeee. I usually act pretty cool and just accept it tho.
The other day we were at a party and he laughed really loud at something which was not even that funny, 😐 i notice guys do this a lot. Whyyyy? He was irritatingly cute tho. 😏🙃
Lately though, when I read the Bible about Biblical love, it makes so much sense but it’s also very unlike kdramas and how they perpetuate love to be like.
I’ll post a separate article on this Biblical love because it’s too long and it’s talking about an entirely different thread of thought. I really need to be more aware and intentional in what I see and interpret as being loving and what love is which will help me so much in seeing properly if he loves me or not, and what the consequences of that are and whether that affects our relationship so far as it might actually be too soon for love. I think the discovery of any or all of the above will be a good thing for us. 
Another thing he does is during Bible meets, he will raise his eyebrows and make 😚 faces and mouth I labb you. It’s so endearing when he does that. I find it so embarrassing though sometimes I ignore it, yes, confession. Sorry to all the guys out there if you’re offended with us girls ignoring you when you do these things in a group.. Sometimes it’s so difficult to reply esp when everyone else is there ._.
And he also just taps me with raised eyebrows and a nod of his head as though asking me, “what’s up?” When I’m deep in conversation with another one of my mates while he’s talking to another mate. But he doesn’t do it when HE’S talking to a girl. He just passes me by. . . You feel that wind?? Pretty chilly ay?
So based on all my observations, I’ve come to the conclusion that he only does things when he himself is bored not because it’s because of me. 😐 His actions towards me is only because of how he feels about himself-if he’s with a guy, and I’m with another guy.. he’ll just tap me on my shoulder. If he’s with a girl, and I’m with a guy, he’s dandy. Like he said, he doesn’t get those two emotions. Well, it’s okay, that means he trusts me a lot.

But one setback on this though is I end up feeling like I can’t comment on times when I feel he is acting inappropriately with another girl, for e.g. he once commented, “Wow, Hannah just wow” when this girl wore a top which accentuated her boobs. I say inappropriately; not that she’s not attractive, I thought the top was cute too but inappropriately in not respecting me as his gf. Did he even stop to think how I would feel and how other people view me when he comments about another girl in front of me like that. -I’m still hurt about it :(-

So I can’t comment on his actions or words and he knows it. He told me before that he doesn’t hold me back from complimenting guys so he will compliment girls if they’re hot. I don’t compliment guys though. I feel it’ll come off as flirty and what would I flirt when I already have a boyfriend. I’m not that type of girl who goes around doing that, if another girl does it ..I won’t judge her. But, I just don’t have it in me, you know?

Sigh. I know I deviated but I’m kinda down about it. We talked about it and he asked me if I wanted him to stop complimenting girls, and I said no because it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask him that. 


On my side of him trusting me a lot, is it correct to say he trusts me too much? Because hey, I’m human too and because he doesn’t do anything -protecting or wtv you wanna term it- I know I have my own principles about my own conduct as someone in a relationship so I don’t need to rely on my bf to define it for me. My conduct just seems way more free than my girl friends’ ones. 

Some girls may see it as “lucky you” but I don’t really see it as so. Sigh. I was talking to a friend of mine, a guy and we were alone in my car at night, and it was quite late and my car is small and I could feel this tension between us during some silences. I’m not even attracted to him in that way, but because we’re opposite sexes, it was night time, enclosed and tight space and moments of silence and I was telling him something really private and relating it to him. I just don’t want my bf and I to be in those situations with other people and only then think of the safeguards post-situation because it might be too late then, you know what I mean? He says he trusts me, and I him, but here’s where the “too much” comes in, we haven’t actually put out limiting parameters on what can/ cannot be done with members of the opposite sex so much that that situation in the car almost became something else. It would have been all too easy for me to do something or even my friend to do something because I sense that he may like me; but if there are limitations  for my bf and i so it does not even lead there to those situations, then it helps us both, to stay committed to each other. Becoming committed to someone isn’t difficult, staying that way is. And the difficulty I’ve been facing is exactly this, where do we draw the lines? There are so so many situations out there. 

15 years

On 31st December, i will be sharing on my perception of my dad’s love being lust because he was an absent father when i was young..

the only love he showed me was through physical touch of hugging and kissing my forehead, and holding my hand, etc. so i thought he did not love me, or rather i thought love was lust because every time he interacted with me physically he said, “i love you”. 

*he was never inappropriate, no under the sheets thing*

which led to me having sexual lusty thoughts about guys because i thought that was love 

which led to me being sexually aware of the opposite sex at a very young age, like 13

which led to me fantasizing about guys cause i thought that was love

basically. i am girl. who will be sharing on sexual sin. 

i am afraid. i keep thinking, “am i doing the right thing?” i know it is the right thing. But this will really kill my social life at the religious place i think. “How will my friends view me?” will they even be my friends afterward.. SIGH. i know it is the right thing to do by God, but this fear and uneasiness is not diminishing but growing and having sleepless nights is the least of my worries as the day draws nearer. what if i chicken out? What if i can’t finish my testimony? Maybe i should get high or drink some dry hard drink before the testimony. go there drunk. wow. that’s an idea, and this, THIS is obviously a rant.

Despite my rant, i know it will be okay. i got these nerves before.. the other time i shared about my eating disorder. i cried so much then, the bulimia only lasted for about 3 months, but i cried so MUCH. 

This had gone on for years without me seeking help and without me speaking about it because of the shame, guilt and anxiety i felt, at the time. 

It has been 15 years from the age i started to perceive my dad in that way, an abuser.

15 years since I’ve loved and hated him.

15 years i kept silent.

15 years i cried, off and on about this disgust toward myself, toward (Christian) boys and towards this man called my dad.

15 years of fear living in the same house as the man i perceived to have had abused me.

*again, he was never inappropriate, no under the sheets thing*

15 years of not being able to really love my dad as how a natural familial love should be.

15 years.

i feel better blogging. God, this is so hard. 

Why i am, me

I grew up with this phrase hammered into me, ‘Children are seen, not heard.’

When i was younger and ‘did not know my place’, i always tried to interrupt adults speaking and even got slapped for it once, it seemed like i never learned; until that slap.

No more

*REWIND*

However, i realize my natural speaking pattern was not one that interrupted people talking; it was something developed as a ‘survival’ technique, if you will.

I had always been a quiet kid.

Then i realized somewhere along the line, if i was quiet, i would not get what i wanted (there are 4 of us siblings, and we fought over things like normal kids). i couldn’t just sit there like a doll, i had to talk to get the thing i wanted.

So i began to speak out and up. But i, not having much experience speaking (because i am originally quiet), spoke up at the wrong times. I had such bad timing, and always got reprimanded for it. But that didn’t stop me (oh, boy, i was on a roll), i just kept at it.

Until that slap; cause i interrupted my dad, with only one word: ‘But’.

After that, i became quiet. Even more quiet than i was before. I would only talk freely to my uncle David cause he is the nicest man, and he never once raised his voice at us kids or in any conversations with the adults. So i trusted he would not scold me.

Being quiet taught me many things, e.g.:

i learnt to observe human behavior, especially body language. Nervousness, irritation, annoyance, anger beneath the surface, etc. all the negative emotions were picked up first, because i had to watch out for them, because i would RUN as soon as i saw the tell-tale signs. Or if i couldn’t run, i would stop talking with whoever i was talking to, to not draw attention to myself, excuse myself and observe the person from afar. If it was at a dinner table and i could not get away from the person, i would make sure i was not doing things which annoyed that person.

Disclaimer: I don’t think i’m good at reading people though

i learnt to act. Act like the mask was my real face. Why? Because no one wanted to see my real emotions anyway, all they wanted; rather, all people want is for us to react in the way they expect us to react. And even when we don’t, they’ll still see it as that. Because people believe what they want to believe.

i learnt that everyone has a weakness. And i do admit to using it against them.

Lemme give you an example: i used to favourite my youngest sister among my sisters. And she had this friend who had just met me at the time in high school. My youngest sister would tell me things about her friend, H, about H’s family who, favourited H among her siblings. It was quite obvious that the dad favourited H, through the stories H told my sister, and that H’s eldest sister did not like the favouristism (who would? moving on..) Conclusion: H is very loved by her family and was not on good terms with her sister. So, one day when H was in the car with us on the way home (we gave her a lift) i started to be mean to my youngest sister. Really, really mean, until she almost cried, but she did not, cause H was in the car. I felt so SO bad. But anyway, i could tell H was really uncomfortable in the car and prolly felt bad for my sister. The next day, i saw H and my younger sister holding hands on the way to class after break time. They were smiling and laughing together. H saw me, and she prolly smiled insincerely towards me because of how bad i’d made her friend (my sister) feel the day before.

You see, my sister had told me about a week ago, before the mean incident that she was feeling left out of the clique of friends she had at school. She wasn’t petite like M&M, nor was she slim and sweet like K,H&S, or hot like Rachel. She was tall, for her age, average sized (No, she was not fat), and not mysterious like the other girls. (guys always like the mysterious ones?) Anyway. H & my sister weren’t that close before the mean incident. Honestly, which friend can ignore another friend who has been humiliated by their sibling, in front of them? Unless, of course, that friend isn’t a friend who cares. But, anyway, i totally made sure of that before i initiated H could catch a ride home with us that day.

i manipulate people unconsciously
i tell a lies like its the truth
i piss people off for the fun of it
i react in a way i think people want me to react
but, mostly, i do it in the name of love.

Does that make it right? NO

Do i care? YES..

..But, its hard (i know it sounds like an excuse..); trying to live ‘right’ after doing these things for so long, its like tearing off my own skin. Cause my mask became my skin, that’s why I don’t know if I will ever really find out who i am.


The question you need to ask yourself about me is..

Is the person i thought xxx is, really xxx? Or just someone she (i) wanted me(you) to See?


I know that there is at least one person in this world that i have shown my truest (iiiii think) self to.

You, Jean.

*Edit: Another two are YL and Krys.

 

Medium ME

It turns out my dad did not molest me, like I thought..all this time. If you are blur, please refer to my ‘Tiny me’ post.


When i was younger, i did not like people in general. In fact, it was so bad that I did not even really trust my own parents, my family, sisters, everyone else around me. As for love, i did not even know what that word meant. I read about love, yes, from books and watched movies and saw how my dad treated my mom. But, love too, at that age..i never really felt love; even at home.
But, i did love (or a very strong feeling of like?) my parents, my mum more than my dad (then), my sisters more than my dad (then) , my friends more than my dad (then). See a pattern? 
I guess it had to do with the fact that I hardly saw him, he hardly took care of us or spent time at home. At that time, he had just decided to change from his bank job to work in the church. And for the first 5 years of working in the church, I resented him a lot. It seemed like here was mum; alone at home, feeding us, making sure we did not get into trouble, going to the market, cooking, cleaning, etc. Whereas dad was only home late at night and he could only come home after we’d been tucked into bed. I resented him and he seemed like a stranger to me, so much that my love became less and my trust in this man who was supposed to be there for me when i was having a hard time in school (cause i was really shy and found it hard to make friends), was not. On the weekends even, he would be working. On Sundays, i remember feeling so jealous of the people who were talking to my dad, adults and old people. So much so that I began to resent the institution of Church itself. I hated church that took my father away. And i hated my father for putting his work first. He became just a man, an unknown stranger to me. 
And so of course, if a man you hate, distrust, a man who was like a stranger but is actually your own father; hugged you closely like how a dad usually hugs a daughter, it’d feel really weird. I guess that’s why i felt that way because of my own misconstrued impression of him. [He never touched my private parts underneath clothes. He just patted / stroked me to sleep and sometimes his hand would so happen rest at certain places. But I honestly do not think it was intentional. It’s just because of the negative way in which i saw him which made me think that he was touching me, when he was not.]
I was so young, my very impressionable mind took something innocent and twisted it into something dark, and horrible. Maybe it was too much of Jennifer Garner’s Alias which i liked to watch, or CSI Las Vegas with all their gruesome scenes and rape / murder cases or maybe it was just the devil who entered my mind and whispered lies which sounded like the plausible truth. Whatever it was, I believed the lie over the truth, the truth that my father loves me very much in a fatherly way and nothing more. And because of that lie, i lived 15 years in fear.
I do not live like that anymore, I love my dad and respect everything he has sacrificed for us, though I could not see it at first. But the negative effect of having believed that lie is, now, i have pistantrophobia especially among christian guys. 

 So basically: 
I was not a happy kid. I do not know when it started, but i do not trust easily nor love easily. I realized quite early in life ( I’m talking.. primary school kid’s age) that all is not milk and honey and that people cannot be trusted, people’s actions need to be questioned (ALL THE TIME), and that the world we live in is a broken one. 

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My Life

ACCA I love it! I love accounting, as much as I struggle, as much as people younger than I have already completed it and I feel like crap that I have not; its okay. Really. The life of a student is quite fantastic! Especially at my new Uni (:
 
HOWEVER, I do dislike one thing about it; the students. A lot of people are willing to step on each other, i.e. their friends, to get to the top. I just wonder what they will be willing to do in the office to get what they want when that time comes. And I am currently irritated with one girl in particular; who i can tell is rather fake, she’s only friends with me because she sees me as someone who has benefits for her student life (which I will explain about later.)
 
I just wanted to check in and post this! and let it GEROFF!! (like how Mr Goon says it) my chest.. *ahh, I feel better already*
 
Much love to myself and hopefully I’ll be able to sleep well before I awake at 830am for Uni (:
Take care and have a good week
 
P/s: My mocks are next week, SO I may be a gone from here for awhile.
 
Will be back in October or sooner; i Hope. 

Beyond the present – he asked me out!

I know its been awhile, and life got in the way. Well, actually, I got in the way. Sometimes I am so made up of fear, I think fear defines me. It shouldn’t be so, but I do have so manymanymany fears. And insecurity about writing a blog is just a teensy part of my fears.

I want to be really really baring-ly honest in this blog because that’s who I am in real life, honest and straightforward. So, in the spirit of honesty: Let me put it out here that I tend to get sidetracked easily, distracted (I think I’ve mentioned this before..?), and I sometimes don’t finish the things I start because fear (mainly) gets in the way. It comes to a point that I second guess myself until I don’t have the confidence to continue. But sometimes it’s because I wasn’t interested in it in the first place, that I stop. But I know I really like writing, imagining, art, etc So hopefully, passion will see me committing to this till forever.


Chapter 3, 4, 5

Valentines 2014. It was raining that day, and I’d brought a girlfriend (jimui) along to make sure it was not just both of us going out together, alone. Call me old-fashioned, but I didn’t want to go out one on one with him; with any guy I didn’t really know. I mean, I was happy that he’d asked me out and all; and on Valentine’s day at that! But-! Maybe it was part fear too, to go out with a guy I met in class: who seemed nice… But then again I bet even Ted Bundy was nice to the victims he killed. I guess I was just being careful, us girls cannot be too careful anyhow.

The whole date was awkward, but nice. He brought me to his friend’s birthday party, we had steamboat and satay. I was quite shocked when he swore. And I remember thinking to myself, ”So this is how he is like..?” Laughing & talking loudly, swearing too. Well, it’s not..that I have never heard a guy swear before, but I guess the image he portrayed in class of being a little shy and quiet became really shattered. I guess I was naive too for believing what I wanted to believe. Then I remember thinking to myself and scolding myself inwardly, ”Even if swears, he might still have other great qualities ’cause you haven’t known him for long yet.” So, I was somewhat appeased by these inner thoughts.

At the end of the night after dropping me home, he gave me two roses. And I really mean after dropping me home because, he forgot to give it to me the first time..then he came back, called me to come back out, and gave me the rose HAHAHAHAHAH.

We went on other dates after that and after classes he would take the train to my stop, which was on a different line than his. I felt really touched whenever he accompanied me back to my station. It was the small things that he took his time to do. I think that’s my love language: spending time together.

And on one of those after class train ride alongs… while we were hugging; before we parted ways, he kissed me: on my hair, at the side of my head. I literally froze for a millisecond, pulled away quickly while smiling shyly and gave a hurried wave goodbye.

I looked around and wondered worriedly if anyone saw that and thought to myself simultaneously, ”SO WHAT if anyone saw that!? Haahhahahaa 😛 ”