10.28PM

I’m going through the motions.

I thought of you again today, yesterday, the day before that, and every day I was on holiday; I thought of the things you would’ve liked had you been there and knew what you would say about the animals and the food, etc. It’s like I had you with me, there.

I’ve been missing you. But the thing about nostalgia is that.. we tend to focus on the happy times – only those; forgetting how many times I got sad. And I got sad a lot dear reader. A relationship can’t only be about the happy times; because that would be unrealistic.

My nostalgia was unrealistic.

I wanted to remain in those memories, but I also know, it’s been three months and I need to let us go.

You told me you let us go; two weeks after we broke up, it only took you so short for an almost 2 year relationship. How nice it must be to so easily let go of things, sighhh..I wish I could to.

We flirted. We chased. We loved. We cried. We fought. We are no more.

I thought it was really immature of you to flirt with other girls while we were together. I thought it was inconsiderate of you not to turn the other girl down when she confessed. I disliked you not praying in all situations. I disliked your smartass comebacks even if they hurt someone, usually a girl. I disliked how you said you liked triggering girls (while we were together) just to make them remember you. But now, I just don’t care anymore.

I didn’t realize it then because I was blinded by how I felt about you but you are a pretty immature person.

 

[And if I could take a guess at why you did all those things with other girls, it would be – you have an inferiority complex; you want to be popular, but you aren’t naturally.. so you use words to trigger people, to make them be aware of you, mentally. There is nothing wrong with wittiness, but being mean while you’re at it…is something else. You said so yourself, you’re dark. Knowing that and knowing how a Christian should be, shouldn’t you work against it rather than with it?

Interestingly, your brother also has low self esteem.. but he responds in a more positive way of being punny, making people laugh and really listening to people when they talk.]

 

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2.55am

If I could go back to before we started, I would. I’d let go of it all. I regret us. Every kiss, I want to be untouched again. Take me back, oh father time.

Every night in the car, every heated argument, every hug, every word heard and said, every look, every feeling jumping out of our skins and seeping into one another, every I-miss-you, every sadness, every laughter, every single time spent waiting, every goodnight and good morning, every 8 letter phrase, sighhhh.

At least I don’t have more to regret, and for that I will always be thankful to my bestie V.

Aside

Weak; a poem dedicated to my dear

weak

/wēk/

adjective

liable to break or give way under pressure; easily damaged.


I’m a little weak when it comes to you, it’s true

The shape of you, the taste of you, it’s hard to resist

I know I’ve said I can live without you, but it’s a bluff;

A fake out

If I start, I may not stop, I’m a bad liar

I’m trying not to think about you

I’m trying not to give up my resolution

Still thinking about it all, caught up in your texture

The hot weather doesn’t help

Just a little indulgence

I had you today, dark

Oh babeh 🍫

 

 

Happy

First off: I would like to thank my followers for being so patient with my lack of productivity on this account. 🙂

And onward to this post..

emotions are temporary. even my sadness and negative emotions Do go away. so today, today is about happy.

I am happy when I choose to be happy.

Personally, I think emotions and perspectives are one of the things people CAN control, if they really put their mind to it. Believing in a greater power or not, does not really affect emotions; temporal ones, that is. STAYING happy and contented though, that’s an entirely different matter.

So, I’m gonna be happy-er instead of picking worrying over the choice of happiness. As the Bible also says, can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (Matt 6:27).

Happy,
Happy,
Me.

In God alone

..is everything.

My future, my present, my very being. Decisions I have made and just, everything.

There are some Christians who split their lives – only certain parts belong to God, and the rest, well, belongs to ‘me’ they say. How can that be – when God is your creator and your saviour. He is the master of your life. You are the submissive.

I went to a missions conference and a married couple there were talking about tentmaking. And the wife, towards the end, talked about her struggle in trusting in God; if her children would be okay to leave their home with them and to move to China where they would start their missions.

And she shared that God called her later than her husband and she was struggling with this very real concern. And she said, “I was washing the dishes one day, (to which most of us who were there,laughed) when God spoke to me.” He said, “I know you have children. [She paused] And they are mine.”

I think what God said to her, what she shared was very powerful and very in-your-face, with the fact that waittaminute.. yes, all our future children’s lives are his and OUR lives now are His. Her husband then asked after her sharing, “so whyyyy, why , why, why are we waiting?” He was talking about doing missions and submitting to God (to go forth and do missions) when he asked us this.

Coming back to this.. I’m here talking about surrending control of your life to God. I think the moment He has control is when we leap off the plane. Ironically true.

Also, I think to Christians whom God has not spoken to before, they may brush it aside and say, “well, that’s you then, I’m different, I know that God knows that I can take charge of certain parts of my life. I do let Him have most of it anyway.” I believe that that statement is a contradiction in itself. We need to go back to the Bible, what does it say about our lives in relation to God? What does it say we need to do in order to obey God? What does it say about our flesh, our human nature. If we do not surrender it all, what does Jesus mean when he says, take up your cross? Is it only part of the cross..like the tail end? Or the whole gigantic cross?

Submission is not a weakness. Submission to God is not you being less decisive or you being less sure about the paths you need to take.
Submission is not you not doing anything.
Submission is not you blindly following.
Submission is knowing full well, understanding and DECIDING, yes submission is active not passive, submission says there are other ways but I choose yours God, submission is love putting Him first and putting yourself second, submission is constantly giving up your right to live the way you want. Again, it is active. (Just felt the need to emphasise the ‘active’)

Anyways, I struggle to submit. On a daily basis. I struggle because I want so much to do things I think is the best way. I, I, I , me, me, me.

Dear Lord, help me to take up my cross and follow you. Your ways and your all. You. I want all of you, I need all of you. Amen.

On a side note, it’s not abnormal to feel afraid if you’re also praying this prayer. Fear of the unknown right? It is just fear though, nothing solid so don’t let it hold you back.

Aside

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde

I’m scared to be me. Honestly, what if people think I’m so weird and they don’t wanna be my friend. Ugh there are so many thoughts in my head about being me or being an acceptable version of me.

Besides, being me is so weird (yes even I find myself weird or maybe it’s cause I know what’s normal which makes me think that whatever I do IS weird?? Does that make sense):

I’ve talked to random people in the train stations, i ask why even though i know the answer to a question, but i just don’t know why is it that answer; you get me?

There are so many other oddball things only i do, or, at least it seems that way in my family.


i think people who are 100% themselves to other people are courageous. Because they put themselves out there for people to criticise, to understand, to find.

 

 

 

A dark room (Christian content)

Imagine you are in a dark room. You neither know how big or small it is — but you know that along one of the walls there lies a switch. And this switch will lead to a lightbulb, with a brightness bright enough to light up the whole room, every corner, every crack, every part.

But you don’t. Because you’re comfortable in this darkness, doing the things you do, saying the things you say, living life as you please. You KNOW of the existence of the switch – like how you know about God and that He exists – but you don’t want to change the room from dark to bright. Why? Because you’re holding on to it all – YOUR decisions, YOUR pride, YOUR anger, everything that was done without the desire to please Him but please yourself; you’re holding on to these.

You say sure, I know that when I flick the switch, the light will fill the room, but ah, if I could just find out more about where it is first, then only I’ll start searching. This points to the people who think they need to find out more about God in order to know Him. Does the Bible say this?? That we need to know enough about God to know Him? And enough- what is that? Who gets to judge? Your pastor? Your parents? Why do they get to judge? They are human too. The only True reference is the Bible and if it doesn’t say that – then why are you complying to it??

And then there are those who let fear consume them – what if the light bulb bursts when I turn it on? Then won’t I get electrocuted? You’re afraid of the consequences of lighting up the room. And you let this fear get in the way of you turning the light on.

Let me say to you, fear not, from the Bible we know that the consequences of sin is death and death on the cross which has already been done (IT IS FINISHED!) by Christ and His ressurection allows us to have hope over death.

So have hope, not fear, that when you turn on the light, you too, will be of the light and no longer being in darkness, you are no longer partakers of sin but have rejoicing with the angels that Jesus has overcome the power of sin. And while being in the light, you will desire and yearn towards a life which is pleasing to God. He will guide you, He is our Shepherd and we the sheep will know His voice; as said in Psalms.

Do not fear. We have hope, hence have faith my fellow brothers and sisters and turn that switch on today.