So, I’m facing this in my relationship now:
Why does your SO treat you less than your worth? Because you let them.
In my case, it is, “why did I let my SO treat me as though I was worth less than his ex?” Because I let him; I justified (understood) it the first time, and so, he pushed the boundary and repeated it a second time 4 days later.
When we justify allowing someone to treat us less than our worth; our value – it’s called cognitive dissonance.
This means: the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change.
Some of the reasons people try to justify being treated this way is: because you like your SO, because you love your SO, because you’re understanding, kind, etc.
You keep justifying it, he keeps pushing it, until it goes higher onto a pain threshold. Until you snap.
Thankfully, that’s not how it is with me. I love him but I also know my worth, and to ensure that I am not justifying it away – I ask myself:
If my friend was the one in my position, would I advise her to stay or leave? Would I allow her to be treated this way? Hell no.
I know my self worth. I believe I deserve to be treated like how a normal GF is to be treated. To please, accept my gift when I give it to you.
Sooooooo, the story goes thay I sent food (like Uber eats) to his workplace and his response was to change the address because his ex will be there.
As any normal gf would do, I flipped. I apologised to him for flipping because I couldn’t control my reaction. But I decided to respond instead, after thinking it over. During my brain juice sessh..I realised:
ONE. His apology 4 days earlier we’re just words. NATO. Because apologies mean repentance of not doing the same shit again. But to have it repeated so close to one another, got me. 😐 [edit, 14/4/18: okay, this is not fair, sorry. Making mistakes is part of sin, and I will be more understanding of it from now on. And to take an idealistic view of repentance from sin was something i should know better than to do. I was just emo because it was a few days apart from the first time..I guess I put you on a pedestal, but you’re only human, I’m sorry.]
TWO. He may say he doesn’t care about his ex, but he does. He prolly does not realise it, but his actions are pretty clear. And to my gut instinct, he is still not over taking care of how she feels. He’s been the one catering to her needs of getting closure, so it might have been an unconscious thing, and it spilled over..IDK. I mean, look, it’s not a bad thing to be a nice guy, but a nice guy to your ex when you hassssss a new GF? Uhmmm so which one is your girlfriend again? [edit, 14/4/18: he said he doesn’t care about her la, he did say. And that his reactions are based them having mutual friends and so it would affect their view of him. Sigh, I think it’s a tricky balancing act also, but discussing it would have helped.]
THREE. I don’t deserve this.
As hard as it was for me to ask him to think about this relationship – that’s what I did.
Sigh, someone once said that it takes courage, to do the right thing because it can be scary as fuck. Your emotions and time is so invested in the person and also because it’s terrifying to start over. I was scared at first that I’d lose him.. but treating me this way, is not worth having and I’d rather not waste my time. But I’m okay, this was the right thing for me.
I’m all about being direct and being honest and don’t get me wrong with the rant above, I’d loveeeee for my guy to see where I’m coming from and talk about it and meet each other halfway; instead of a,”because xx can’t handle it, so you shouldn’t do anything right now.”
That kinda really threw me off because it was as though he was shutting down the conversation because he didn’t trust me. It was HIS decisions, bam bam bam. And also, it’s stupid, but idk why after he said that (because xx…right now), it made me feel like I DID SMTH WRONG. But all I did was show him my heart. 😦 He did clarify later about how I should not do anything like that right now; but it was only because I asked what can I do/not do in light of this situation.
Bottomline, his first response hurt me.
What I’m trying to achieve when I asked for time off was not primarily because I was angry. I know, emotions are part of it.. but, he kept apologising to me in that situation above. And I don’t want that for him. It must’ve not been a nice feeling to know that he was hurting me. I want him to be happy. To be 100% okay with every decision he makes. And seeing as he was apologetic, made me realise he was not 100% okay with it. And so, I’m giving him the time off he needs to think about it. I got into a relationship with a man, and I am 100% for this relationship to work. But, we’ll see..
Could I have asked for wisdom from God before I messaged him? (Yes)
Could I have treated him with more love? (I think I’ve loved him a lot already though 🤔, but since love is neverending, yes)
After all, on the flip side… Idk what the hell he’s facing. Cause I’m not him. And I’ll never be him.
I want to understand him more, sure, but if he wants to decide for himself, I’m not going to push him to let me be included.
If you are facing this with your SO – you have got to take that leap and ask them straight up about it, no half truths, no lying to yourself.
On a bright note, I bought some things online and they’re arriving next week!! 😀
I’ve been praying for:
his ex: for healing in her mind, emotions & complete let go.
him: that God will help him work thru his thoughts and feelings, for clarity & a complete break and for boldness to draw a line in the sand & whole-hearted love & commitment to the Lord and towards me.
self: For patience & love, healing for my heart, forgiveness to flow, wisdom throughout the rest of our week long cool off.
God has been helping me to understand and have patience & love (I’d already forgiven him earlier), by this:
I was driving home last night from work and there was this car on the left lane who slowed down and anticipated a car who was turning into his lane from the junction. In that moment, God spoke and said, that’s like Tim..he was just anticipating the car coming out into his lane. What you’re asking him to do is not care about her(the car coming out) and keep going on the lane. But if he does = collision. Either he gives way or she does. But she’s not going to, so he is. Can you see it from that way? I was subdued for awhile but then I responded with a, I’m in a relationship with him, not a passenger, more like.. he’s not the only one driving that car. He’s the right hand of the wheel and I’m the left or, he’s the brake and i’m the gas pedal. He needs to discuss before deciding merhhhh, how can he decide on his own. The gas pedal thought he will go straight, but he decided on his own to press the brake.. So, the car itself has a problem then if both are doing different things without discussing. Then God was like, yeah not the best way to do it, but you get where he was coming from? And I did. Only last night, but BEFORE last night, I reallyyyyyyy could not reconcile it. Thank you God. Your grace is my sufficiency always.
There is something I rather regret in asking for this cooling off period and that is that I promised to be by his side throughout this time. Sorry I broke my promise.