A page from her book:
I think, as much as I’m not ready to go on without you, and I know I will miss you a ton; but not as much as I miss Jesus now, I will have to decide soon. He calls me, the calls never end and I don’t want them to; I cannot unhear His call, I yearn to be holy to pursue Him and as Paul says in Phil 3:14 “straining forward, upward” (paraphrased)
In the past, our lives had always been parallel…our paths not crossing and sadly, after this brief meeting point, I don’t know if we will cross paths in this way again. Maybe? I really have no idea.
I learnt that when you leave someone it’s because you don’t love them or you decided to stop loving them. And I know the reason why Jesus still loves me/us is because He has promised to “never leave us, nor forsake us”. I’m brave enough to say that I want to love God more than love you. And because deciding to stop loving means I will leave.. let me tell you firmly: I cannot leave God, He calls me day and night. I know that I will die spiritually without Him, and my soul will cry bloody tears if that happens. Literally bloody tears.
And I’ve decided deep down to stop loving you. Because I only want to love the light and do things in the light, I cannot hide in the darkness when He has changed my life. He has changed it bottom to top, top to bottom. I desire Him so much it makes me sad when I compromise my decisions because of my love for you – to do the things which bind us to sin. I no longer have the yearn to live that life and I am ever grateful to Him who has saved me from that meaningless existence.
I don’t deny that you care deeply for me, and me likewise for you, but I care so much more for God and I want to please Him and get lost in Him.
If you ever want for US to be again, you’ll have to put God first in everything you have, you do, you say, you think, you Are– to get lost in Him too; and that’s where you’ll find me too. (Cheesy line)
I’m sorry but as much as I know that this will hurt you, it will hurt us more if I leave us be even longer.
I don’t claim to know every part of your life but I know that for the parts I’ve seen.. I know, that it’s dark there, and although you know about God; you do not know Him. It makes me afraid, afraid you will never know Him and that you will not be seeking to please Him with both your small and big decisions.
I cannot be part of that darkness anymore.
You see, when I was in that dark room, that place only Felt like it was my freedom when in actual fact I was always in chains.
That place was a place I grew up in and there were many hidden holes; and within some, I still hear the screams and tears of dark memories.
It is absent of my yearn of Him, intentionally I kept myself in that darkness.
I don’t want that anymore, a child of the light cannot. We just cannot, I know my brothers and sisters will agree with me that when we have stepped into the light and made a commitment to continue down this path, we cannot turn back; not because we are robots without a will, but, rather we have chosen His will as our own.
So that’s that.
Photo credit : webneel