Why do I do this to myself?

There are so many things I want to say, but it seems like everything is jumbled out in my head and if I say it here and now; it will sound like an awkward mess and not quite how I want it to be told.

So, another time. A future day, wait for me dear reader.

I’ve probably said this before but I’ll say it again – ‘I believe i use this space as a stress relief outlet’- because it seems like I find myself often here when I become most stressed — today.

It’s 5 days before my ACCA exam (not another one :o) yes, another one, the final one in fact. I’m at the last hurdle, the last step, the last whatever-pleases-you-to-call-it before too long hours at an office at which I won’t have my own table to name. Funny, isn’t it? Why do I do this to myself?

The paper I will sit for had a 32% passing rate the last sitting #sept2016. Why do i do this to myself?

I am scared shitless because I’ve been interning and not focusing on my paper because I was too afraid I would be the only one to start work at an age other people would sneer at, and give me a funny look, “what took you so long to graduate!?” Why did I do this to myself?

When, in actual fact, most of the auditors at the firm are still taking their professional papers at ages older than I am now, with many many many more papers to go; and me at my final one, now.

Why did I think that of myself? Looking down on myself? Consumed with fear and other people’s opinions, me.

Don’t live like that, I tell my sister! And yet, I do. #hypocrite

A friend said to me recently:

It’s not as bad as you think it is. So keep it up, keep going, you!

I say to you too, this time with me living it, “it’s not as bad as you think it is :)”

That job, that exam, that recital, that review, that performance, that LIFE – yours… Its not as bad.

And you just have to believe in yourself, like how I am trying my best to. I call it keeping my head above the waves; mainly cause I can’t swim so I’m really afraid of the sea. But despite all that I am afraid of, I’ll keep moving and keep my head up. (And of course I have that thing you may not – God. My assurance, my rock.)

Before I leave, if you ask: then why didn’t you count on him in the first place? Well, sometimes, I’d forget and THINK I know better and just flail around the water and do it my way – I tend to do this.

I’m human, (it’s not an excuse, but this is my best explanation) and I’m so full of pride and self assurance that I can overcome these things alone. I am sorry  to God. As Christians we are supposed to fully rely on God. Fully. (Can you imagine how hard that is for a person like me, who solves her own problems and then only tells people about it way after it’s resolved. 😂)

But, almost always, I find I can’t overcome them alone. I can ignore them and wait until I’ve suppressed it too much and it bursts forth. But resolving it has always been done with God’s help.

And today, at times like these, I find myself reaching for God all the more. Processed with VSCO

Anyways. That’s all for tonight.