Why i am, me

I grew up with this phrase hammered into me, ‘Children are seen, not heard.’

When i was younger and ‘did not know my place’, i always tried to interrupt adults speaking and even got slapped for it once, it seemed like i never learned; until that slap.

No more

*REWIND*

However, i realize my natural speaking pattern was not one that interrupted people talking; it was something developed as a ‘survival’ technique, if you will.

I had always been a quiet kid.

Then i realized somewhere along the line, if i was quiet, i would not get what i wanted (there are 4 of us siblings, and we fought over things like normal kids). i couldn’t just sit there like a doll, i had to talk to get the thing i wanted.

So i began to speak out and up. But i, not having much experience speaking (because i am originally quiet), spoke up at the wrong times. I had such bad timing, and always got reprimanded for it. But that didn’t stop me (oh, boy, i was on a roll), i just kept at it.

Until that slap; cause i interrupted my dad, with only one word: ‘But’.

After that, i became quiet. Even more quiet than i was before. I would only talk freely to my uncle David cause he is the nicest man, and he never once raised his voice at us kids or in any conversations with the adults. So i trusted he would not scold me.

Being quiet taught me many things, e.g.:

i learnt to observe human behavior, especially body language. Nervousness, irritation, annoyance, anger beneath the surface, etc. all the negative emotions were picked up first, because i had to watch out for them, because i would RUN as soon as i saw the tell-tale signs. Or if i couldn’t run, i would stop talking with whoever i was talking to, to not draw attention to myself, excuse myself and observe the person from afar. If it was at a dinner table and i could not get away from the person, i would make sure i was not doing things which annoyed that person.

Disclaimer: I don’t think i’m good at reading people though

i learnt to act. Act like the mask was my real face. Why? Because no one wanted to see my real emotions anyway, all they wanted; rather, all people want is for us to react in the way they expect us to react. And even when we don’t, they’ll still see it as that. Because people believe what they want to believe.

i learnt that everyone has a weakness. And i do admit to using it against them.

Lemme give you an example: i used to favourite my youngest sister among my sisters. And she had this friend who had just met me at the time in high school. My youngest sister would tell me things about her friend, H, about H’s family who, favourited H among her siblings. It was quite obvious that the dad favourited H, through the stories H told my sister, and that H’s eldest sister did not like the favouristism (who would? moving on..) Conclusion: H is very loved by her family and was not on good terms with her sister. So, one day when H was in the car with us on the way home (we gave her a lift) i started to be mean to my youngest sister. Really, really mean, until she almost cried, but she did not, cause H was in the car. I felt so SO bad. But anyway, i could tell H was really uncomfortable in the car and prolly felt bad for my sister. The next day, i saw H and my younger sister holding hands on the way to class after break time. They were smiling and laughing together. H saw me, and she prolly smiled insincerely towards me because of how bad i’d made her friend (my sister) feel the day before.

You see, my sister had told me about a week ago, before the mean incident that she was feeling left out of the clique of friends she had at school. She wasn’t petite like M&M, nor was she slim and sweet like K,H&S, or hot like Rachel. She was tall, for her age, average sized (No, she was not fat), and not mysterious like the other girls. (guys always like the mysterious ones?) Anyway. H & my sister weren’t that close before the mean incident. Honestly, which friend can ignore another friend who has been humiliated by their sibling, in front of them? Unless, of course, that friend isn’t a friend who cares. But, anyway, i totally made sure of that before i initiated H could catch a ride home with us that day.

i manipulate people unconsciously
i tell a lies like its the truth
i piss people off for the fun of it
i react in a way i think people want me to react
but, mostly, i do it in the name of love.

Does that make it right? NO

Do i care? YES..

..But, its hard (i know it sounds like an excuse..); trying to live ‘right’ after doing these things for so long, its like tearing off my own skin. Cause my mask became my skin, that’s why I don’t know if I will ever really find out who i am.


The question you need to ask yourself about me is..

Is the person i thought xxx is, really xxx? Or just someone she (i) wanted me(you) to See?


I know that there is at least one person in this world that i have shown my truest (iiiii think) self to.

You, Jean.

*Edit: Another two are YL and Krys.

 

Unhinged thoughts

Sometimes i think about what a blade might feel like against my skin, will it be prickly or ticklish or painful..

Sometimes i think about what it’d  be like to smash my car into the divider, will the glass fly in slow motion, will my life flash before my eyes, or will it be sudden darkness..

Sometimes i think about ways to suffocate people because i wonder how long it takes a person to die..

Sometimes i think about whether i should kill my dog by poisoning because he’s really annoying..

Sometimes i wonder if i can keep being nice because its easier to be mean..

Sometime i wonder about the blood patterns if i stab someone:

  • with a sharp knife
  • with a jagged knife
  • with a crude knife

..will it look like CSI..

Sometimes i wonder if i should play with people’s feelings, sincerity is undervalued and sometimes just not worth it..

Sometimes i wonder if i will really find out who i am.


 

 

A blacked out blur

These past 5 years of my life.. (18-23yo) is really like a blur of diversified events, I really can’t pinpoint certain milestones. Happy times, angry times (pent up frustration) sad times, mourning times, joyful times, fun times, etc are all tumbling about in my mind’s eye.. It seems like it was just yesterday that I’d stepped into college; and now, I have one final semester till I graduate.

I have this one question I’m feeling extremely guilty about : “Why am I taking so long to graduate?” I know I Will graduate, duh, obviously, but why am I taking so much longer than my friends?

Is it the lack of love towards studies?

Is it lack of discipline?

No focus?

Lack of motivation?

Wrong course?

Etc.

I. Really. Do. Not. Know. I think it’s not just one thing, but many reasons; for sure. I know I’ll only make myself more miserable if I actually dig up every single sorry reason/excuse as to why I did badly. The only thing I can do is to learn from these mistakes and misjudgements. And I hope and pray that I will leave it at that. Althoughhhhhhh, if an interviewer asks me (next year) why am I starting to intern at 24 years old…I wonder if it’ll be too cheeky to reply her with a question, “Why not?” (I guess worst case scenario, I might even be kicked out of the interview room :o)

Only one way to find out! Wish me luck? Hahahh

In the mean time, I am sitting for ADVANCED AUDIT & ASSURANCE on 7/12/2015. Yes it is as hard as it sounds. Wish me luck or all the best! Cause I need plenty of luck to have a kind marker and analyse the exam questions in the correct way (but I’m practising on my end too!!) 

One thing I’ve learnt, and keep learning to do this past 5 years is.. 

(Lettering by Zhiling, Instagram name: Crayzhi)

(Lettering by Zhiling, Instagram name: Crazhi)