It turns out my dad did not molest me, like I thought..all this time. If you are blur, please refer to my ‘Tiny me’ post.
When i was younger, i did not like people in general. In fact, it was so bad that I did not even really trust my own parents, my family, sisters, everyone else around me. As for love, i did not even know what that word meant. I read about love, yes, from books and watched movies and saw how my dad treated my mom. But, love too, at that age..i never really felt love; even at home.
But, i did love (or a very strong feeling of like?) my parents, my mum more than my dad (then), my sisters more than my dad (then) , my friends more than my dad (then). See a pattern?
I guess it had to do with the fact that I hardly saw him, he hardly took care of us or spent time at home. At that time, he had just decided to change from his bank job to work in the church. And for the first 5 years of working in the church, I resented him a lot. It seemed like here was mum; alone at home, feeding us, making sure we did not get into trouble, going to the market, cooking, cleaning, etc. Whereas dad was only home late at night and he could only come home after we’d been tucked into bed. I resented him and he seemed like a stranger to me, so much that my love became less and my trust in this man who was supposed to be there for me when i was having a hard time in school (cause i was really shy and found it hard to make friends), was not. On the weekends even, he would be working. On Sundays, i remember feeling so jealous of the people who were talking to my dad, adults and old people. So much so that I began to resent the institution of Church itself. I hated church that took my father away. And i hated my father for putting his work first. He became just a man, an unknown stranger to me.
And so of course, if a man you hate, distrust, a man who was like a stranger but is actually your own father; hugged you closely like how a dad usually hugs a daughter, it’d feel really weird. I guess that’s why i felt that way because of my own misconstrued impression of him. [He never touched my private parts underneath clothes. He just patted / stroked me to sleep and sometimes his hand would so happen rest at certain places. But I honestly do not think it was intentional. It’s just because of the negative way in which i saw him which made me think that he was touching me, when he was not.]
I was so young, my very impressionable mind took something innocent and twisted it into something dark, and horrible. Maybe it was too much of Jennifer Garner’s Alias which i liked to watch, or CSI Las Vegas with all their gruesome scenes and rape / murder cases or maybe it was just the devil who entered my mind and whispered lies which sounded like the plausible truth. Whatever it was, I believed the lie over the truth, the truth that my father loves me very much in a fatherly way and nothing more. And because of that lie, i lived 15 years in fear.
I do not live like that anymore, I love my dad and respect everything he has sacrificed for us, though I could not see it at first. But the negative effect of having believed that lie is, now, i have pistantrophobia especially among christian guys.
I was not a happy kid. I do not know when it started, but i do not trust easily nor love easily. I realized quite early in life ( I’m talking.. primary school kid’s age) that all is not milk and honey and that people cannot be trusted, people’s actions need to be questioned (ALL THE TIME), and that the world we live in is a broken one.