-The pain of growing up
I really like the song Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men, and after hearing the Alex and Sierra cover it, i like it even more..if that’s possible.
I hate people judging me but I think judgement is inevitable, no matter what I do; I cannot please everyone. I will only please myself and it really is too bad if they judge me for it.
Like this blog, no one else in my family has a blog. And my younger sister disapproves of the amount of time I spend on it: the editing time, finding images online (when needed), editing the sentences, checking for grammar mistakes, re-reading it to see if its too boring, etc. she disapproves of me spending my time on it, ”Its not productive, its distracting you from your studies, it’s not something you should do, you’re wasting your time.” I know. Something that does not pay, that does not benefit me is a waste. And i need to think efficiently in terms of time and what things i can do to bring me monetary benefits (now and in the future). I GET IT. But, you (my sister) you don’t seem to get it.
Like piano. I loved it initially. And then the expectations came in, the greed in their eyes, they could only see me as someone who could provide something to them because of what I’d started learning, something that started from passion, and innocent curiousity…they (my parents) turned it into a possible business venture for my future (more like their own future which they never managed to live out).
Like accounting. I fell in love with it when I first heard my tuition teacher talking about it, he was on one of his semi serious rants on how there are hardly any ethical accountants/ auditors. And I remember thinking to myself; I want to be an ethical accountant, I’ll make you proud teacher. (I think I’ve told you guys about this rant before and how my love for accounting came about; no?) Teacher Derrick, the best accounting teacher I had in high school, no matter that you were only a tuition teacher; you are the best, sir. But now, everyone looks at it like something like like LIKE something so worldly, I hate it.
Like my art. I love making accessories, cards, drawings, etc. i love using my hands to create art. But my parents wanted to use that for me to open a shop online, blog shop to sell it all, everything I made. At first I tried to play along to their plan, to try venture and look at it from a business perspective, but I just can’t.
Like dancing, performing, acting, singing. I love it. I’ve even choreographed routines for camps, been in plays. i dance when I’m stressed and dancing and performing has not caught the attention of those around me partly because I’ve never had any formal training for it to be good enough for people to notice but I also keep it under wraps cause I really don’t want to ene up hating it.
Its just. I still can’t absorb the fact that you guys want to take things I love and turn it into something so dirty as ‘business’.
”You’re weird” ”That’s not what we want to do” ”We just want you to reap the money that you deserve” ”it’s only natural” ”People need money to survive” I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW..but to me, these are precious things, things I turn to when I am depressed, sad, angry, etc. Where I see no way out, THEY lead me out, from suicidal thoughts. You can’t just sell these. they’re a part of me, it’ll be like selling parts of me. (ew, i ain’t no organ seller OK. jokeee! Lame)
I’m not the only one who thinks like this surely?? I feel like I’m going crazy, hating the things I used to love, its driving me to unending emo-ness. Surely there must be other people out there who are struggling not to grow up; because it requires us to sell ourselves, sell our innocence, our passions, our loves, our simplistic way of thinking. I want to keep thinking I can just do these things without people butting in and wanting to make it into some sort of money cow out of it.
For people who ARE currently doing stuff they love, without having to think of it as selling yourself, tell me: How do you do it? I believe where there is a will, there is a way. Maybe its just in how to think correctly?
Up till here for today! x
I’m taking Audit & Assurance and Financial Management this sitting for ACCA. It shall be over in 36 and 37 days respectively.😓😐😉