Tiny ME

MY ROOM DOOR CREAKS OPEN..THE LIGHT FROM OUTSIDE SOFTLY FILLS MY DARKENED ROOM AND MY SISTER, OH, MY SISTER IS ALREADY SOUND ASLEEP BESIDE ME; SHE SLEEPS SOUNDLY AND DOES NOT HEAR HIM COME IN. HE THREADS HEAVILY INTO THE ROOM, AND SITS AT THE EDGE OF MY BED. I AM AWAKE UNDER CLOSED LIDS, AND I; WANT TO SCARE HIM, PRANK HIM AT FIRST… TO LAUGH AND SAY, ”GOTCHA DADDY!” BUT MY TIMIDNESS AND MY FEAR OF HIM FINDING ME AWAKE GETS THE BETTER OF ME..SO I FAKE MY SLEEP.

AS MY TINY BODY LIES WRAPPED UNDER THE SHEETS, I WONDER WHEN HE’LL KISS ME GOODNIGHT AND LEAVE..I FEEL A HAND STROKE ME, FROM BACK TO BUM AND THE CARESS ON MY BOTTOM ESPECIALLY AND THEN, A SQUEEZE. MY HEART JUMPS TO MY MOUTH, MY BREATH COMING IN QUICKLY. ”WHAT IS THIS FEELING COMING OVER ME?” I WONDER. WHATEVER IT IS, I DISLIKE IT. SO I FAKE AS THOUGH I AM MOVING IN MY SLEEP, BUT HIS HAND STAYS ON ME AND AS I MOVE FROM LYING FACE DOWN TO FACE UP, SO DOES HIS HAND; WHICH NOW LIES ON MY WEE-WEE AREA. I SLOWLY IDENTIFY THE FEELING AS FEAR..”WHAT IS MY FATHER DOING? WHY IS HIS HAND THERE??? MUMMY SAYS THAT AREA IS DIRTY, AND NEEDS TO BE CLEANED. IS HE CLEANING IT??!” THE THOUGHTS TUMBLE JUMBLED INTO MY MIND. I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE AND I SCOLD HIM IN MUFFLED SLEEP-LIKE VOICE, ”DAD! YOU WOKE ME UP!” HE LAUGHS. I FEEL EVEN MORE CONFUSED AND SCARED.. ”WHY IS HE LAUGHING?” I THINK TO MYSELF. HIS TAKES HIS HAND AWAY ABSENTMINDEDLY, KISSES ME GOODNIGHT AND TELLS ME HE LOVES ME.

IT TAKES TINY ME AWHILE TO SLEEP, TO FIND PEACE. BUT I DO, AND AS MY HEAD NODS OFF, SO DOES THE MEMORY; LIKE A BAD DREAM. LITTLE DID I KNOW I WOULD ONLY BE ABLE TO START HAVING THAT (A LITTLE BIT OF THAT) PEACE MANY YEARS AFTER. TO THIS DAY, I AM AFRAID OF THE CREAK OF THE DOOR, AFRAID OF MY FATHER’S DARK FIGURE AGAINST THE LIGHT AT NIGHT, AFRAID, AFRAID, AFRAID.

BLOGGERS USUALLY START WITH A BEGINNING, BECAUSE ITS THE THING THAT HAPPENS FIRST; BUT FOR ME, I AM STARTING WITH AN END. BECAUSE SOMETHING HAS TO END, IN ORDER FOR THERE TO BE A BEGINNING.

 

AND SO, HERE MY CHILDHOOD ENDS; THE MOMENT MY FATHER STARTED TOUCHING ME IN THIS WAY, THE MOMENT LOVE BECAME LUST, THE MOMENT ALL LOVE MEANT (TO ME) WAS SOMEONE TO: CONTROL, POSSESS AND DOMINATE.


 

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3 thoughts on “Tiny ME

  1. I have tears in my eyes, there are no words. This is an extremely power post and you are so incredibly brave for being able to write this out. There are times now thinking back on my story that I wished that I could remember the first time, wished that I could remember how it all “started or ended”, but it’s just this maddening jumble. You will get through this. Keep writing. I look forward to going on your journey with you.

    Like

    1. Hey,

      I didn’t expect anyone to read my WordPress let alone comment honestly. Thank you so much for the encouragement. And I definitely agree with you on the ‘maddening jumble’ it seems like I’ll only remember the first time.

      Like

    2. You are welcome. Hopefully you will be surprised by the other support you get. You deserve to be encouraged and supported and hopefully you find others that will offer you the same. ***hugs**** to you.

      Liked by 1 person

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