I know its been awhile, and life got in the way. Well, actually, I got in the way. Sometimes I am so made up of fear, I think fear defines me. It shouldn’t be so, but I do have so manymanymany fears. And insecurity about writing a blog is just a teensy part of my fears.
I want to be really really baring-ly honest in this blog because that’s who I am in real life, honest and straightforward. So, in the spirit of honesty: Let me put it out here that I tend to get sidetracked easily, distracted (I think I’ve mentioned this before..?), and I sometimes don’t finish the things I start because fear (mainly) gets in the way. It comes to a point that I second guess myself until I don’t have the confidence to continue. But sometimes it’s because I wasn’t interested in it in the first place, that I stop. But I know I really like writing, imagining, art, etc So hopefully, passion will see me committing to this till forever.
Chapter 3, 4, 5
Valentines 2014. It was raining that day, and I’d brought a girlfriend (jimui) along to make sure it was not just both of us going out together, alone. Call me old-fashioned, but I didn’t want to go out one on one with him; with any guy I didn’t really know. I mean, I was happy that he’d asked me out and all; and on Valentine’s day at that! But-! Maybe it was part fear too, to go out with a guy I met in class: who seemed nice… But then again I bet even Ted Bundy was nice to the victims he killed. I guess I was just being careful, us girls cannot be too careful anyhow.
The whole date was awkward, but nice. He brought me to his friend’s birthday party, we had steamboat and satay. I was quite shocked when he swore. And I remember thinking to myself, ”So this is how he is like..?” Laughing & talking loudly, swearing too. Well, it’s not..that I have never heard a guy swear before, but I guess the image he portrayed in class of being a little shy and quiet became really shattered. I guess I was naive too for believing what I wanted to believe. Then I remember thinking to myself and scolding myself inwardly, ”Even if swears, he might still have other great qualities ’cause you haven’t known him for long yet.” So, I was somewhat appeased by these inner thoughts.
At the end of the night after dropping me home, he gave me two roses. And I really mean after dropping me home because, he forgot to give it to me the first time..then he came back, called me to come back out, and gave me the rose HAHAHAHAHAH.
We went on other dates after that and after classes he would take the train to my stop, which was on a different line than his. I felt really touched whenever he accompanied me back to my station. It was the small things that he took his time to do. I think that’s my love language: spending time together.
And on one of those after class train ride alongs… while we were hugging; before we parted ways, he kissed me: on my hair, at the side of my head. I literally froze for a millisecond, pulled away quickly while smiling shyly and gave a hurried wave goodbye.
I looked around and wondered worriedly if anyone saw that and thought to myself simultaneously, ”SO WHAT if anyone saw that!? Haahhahahaa 😛 ”