Beyond the present – he asked me out!

I know its been awhile, and life got in the way. Well, actually, I got in the way. Sometimes I am so made up of fear, I think fear defines me. It shouldn’t be so, but I do have so manymanymany fears. And insecurity about writing a blog is just a teensy part of my fears.

I want to be really really baring-ly honest in this blog because that’s who I am in real life, honest and straightforward. So, in the spirit of honesty: Let me put it out here that I tend to get sidetracked easily, distracted (I think I’ve mentioned this before..?), and I sometimes don’t finish the things I start because fear (mainly) gets in the way. It comes to a point that I second guess myself until I don’t have the confidence to continue. But sometimes it’s because I wasn’t interested in it in the first place, that I stop. But I know I really like writing, imagining, art, etc So hopefully, passion will see me committing to this till forever.


Chapter 3, 4, 5

Valentines 2014. It was raining that day, and I’d brought a girlfriend (jimui) along to make sure it was not just both of us going out together, alone. Call me old-fashioned, but I didn’t want to go out one on one with him; with any guy I didn’t really know. I mean, I was happy that he’d asked me out and all; and on Valentine’s day at that! But-! Maybe it was part fear too, to go out with a guy I met in class: who seemed nice… But then again I bet even Ted Bundy was nice to the victims he killed. I guess I was just being careful, us girls cannot be too careful anyhow.

The whole date was awkward, but nice. He brought me to his friend’s birthday party, we had steamboat and satay. I was quite shocked when he swore. And I remember thinking to myself, ”So this is how he is like..?” Laughing & talking loudly, swearing too. Well, it’s not..that I have never heard a guy swear before, but I guess the image he portrayed in class of being a little shy and quiet became really shattered. I guess I was naive too for believing what I wanted to believe. Then I remember thinking to myself and scolding myself inwardly, ”Even if swears, he might still have other great qualities ’cause you haven’t known him for long yet.” So, I was somewhat appeased by these inner thoughts.

At the end of the night after dropping me home, he gave me two roses. And I really mean after dropping me home because, he forgot to give it to me the first time..then he came back, called me to come back out, and gave me the rose HAHAHAHAHAH.

We went on other dates after that and after classes he would take the train to my stop, which was on a different line than his. I felt really touched whenever he accompanied me back to my station. It was the small things that he took his time to do. I think that’s my love language: spending time together.

And on one of those after class train ride alongs… while we were hugging; before we parted ways, he kissed me: on my hair, at the side of my head. I literally froze for a millisecond, pulled away quickly while smiling shyly and gave a hurried wave goodbye.

I looked around and wondered worriedly if anyone saw that and thought to myself simultaneously, ”SO WHAT if anyone saw that!? Haahhahahaa 😛 ”

Beyond the present – learning how to..

So, let me just put it out there that I have not ever been in a relationship before. No sireee, never! It’s not that no one asked me and it’s also not because my parents are crazy asians who will arrange our marriage for us i.e. my sisters and I (that shiz still exists??! ..YES); they will, eventually, for me. Anyway, I’m getting side-tracked here, my point is that: since I have never been in a relationship, I Really do not know how to flirt with a guy; nada, nothing. Come to think of it, all I know is how to make friends, and while most of friends are guys, I have only seen them as ‘bros’. 

With this lack of knowledge..I went to Google to look for my answers. I found some pretty helpful tips from MATTHEW HUSSEY (okay, his British accent is hella sexy and that was part of the reason I watched his videos) I remember a site online which told me how to touch a guy to make him realize ‘Oh, this girl is real.’ Not that they don’t know we’re real, its just that ALL girls will attract a guy; so a girl is no different from the next one that comes along, in a way. (I have a feeling I’m not explaining it quite right, anywhos..) I guess instead of the word ‘real’ they could have used ‘exists’, which makes more sense.


Chapter 2

ARMED WITH SOME knowledge on how to make the opposite sex realize I exist, I went for class. (I felt really excited to try out these new ‘practices’ like a kid who was learning how to ride their tricycle..) But excitement doesn’t warrant that you won’t fall down from that tricycle or that you will even successfully ride it at all. I’d like to say I went right ahead and gently touched the guy on his arm to: emphasize a point or when he told a joke which I found funny, made eye-contact all the time, bit my lip when he looked at me, invaded his private space just a little bit when crossing the road, etc.

Funnily enough, I think the only thing I did successfully was smile all the time around him. (which didn’t require any physical contact i.e. right in my comfort zone)

I agonizingly thought to myself why is this so hard? why do i have to do touch him? can’t i just say ‘hello, i exist?!’ ?…gosh, it makes me squirm and this kind of stuff is SO out of my comfort zone’ I wondered how other girls could casually hold a guy’s arm or put their own arm around a man’s waist without much of a reaction. But, I realized it’s not because its something negative therefore making me squirm, but, rather the fact that I was awkward for not having ever done things like these before, which made it hard, negative even.

And that’s how we humans are sometimes, when we feel like it’s not something we feel ‘comfortable’ doing, it’s not meant to be/it’s not correct. We misjudge based on emotions rather than logic and thought and thoroughly thinking it over.

So, for the next few weeks I accustomed myself to doing these things, with every guy I knew but him, but all my guy friends, everything above as well as expressing the ‘Thanks! I really had fun today/night. We should do this again some time.’ It’s amazing what this little sentence does to a guy’s ego. It’s funny, I thought that all this time just saying thanks and smiling sufficed, but apparently expressing it works better; for the men at least. I did all these over and over again with other guys until it became second nature to me and only then I started practicing it on him. So natural that it seemed like nothing.

Upon doing these little skinship moments, I somehow borrowed someone’s guts (”Borrow” ’cause, till now; I still have no idea where and how I could do that) and touched his tummy after class one night, teasing him about it.

Him

Me

I touched his tummy lightly and felt him flex under my touch.

I thought you go to the gym…but, what’s that? 😛

He smiles self-consciously.

I’m bulking

Bulking?

Gaining weight to cut later on.

Wow, so much work. So do you have to eat a lot?

Ya, I eat a lot.

Okay, I see.

I notice his replies are quite short and not wanting to sound like I’m a crazy eager girl wanting to know everything about him, I wait until he asks a question, which he doesn’t. I am kind of disappointed, but I don’t really mind.

I mean, he’s the kind of guy girls just get attracted to, he somehow just catches people’s gaze, I think it has to do with his swag, ’cause he walks rather confidently  and some may even say arrogantly. But he doesn’t flirt with the girls in class, he mostly just jokes around with his mates. Even though I was initially miffed at his no-further-questions that night, I sigh and just tell myself to wait and be patient and if he does not like me, there are so many other guys out there anyhows. 


..It was raining that day and I’d braided my hair, as a separate braid & tied it together with my ponytail. He reached out to touch it and complimented me that it was really pretty. It was weird, my feeling at that time was..I want to run away but I want to hug you too.